(The picture on each week’s post will be awarded to the craziest girl from the previous episode. This week it is awarded to Tierra (again), who said the lavish lifestyle of The Bachelor is “torture.”)
When it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for the crazy. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The contestants’ future happiness or despair is of no concern to me. The purpose of The Bachelor Running Diary is to document the crazy things these girls say and do on national television. The Bachelor Running Diary, much like playing basketball at Kentucky, can’t hide crazy girls and is not for everybody.
Last week was a bit of letdown when the roller derby game/match/disaster didn’t happen, so I found myself a bit down on doing my regular post for the show. But I know how much everyone loves it, so I decided I would push through, watch again tonight, and keep a running diary. Here is what transpired Monday night on the Bachelor.
KSR BACHELOR RUNNING DIARY (Episode 5)
8:02- The girls are told they are going to Montana. They become more excited than anyone ever to leave California and go to Montana.
8:04- Daniella’s never been to Montana. I wouldn’t have known that, but she said “I’ve never been to Montana.”
8:05- Selma who won’t kiss Sean on TV says “I’d like to thank Sean for this, because he’s making my every little dream come true.” Every girl’s dream is to spend a week in Montana, right?
8:06- Wedding dress gets the one on one date. Lesley takes it well. “I’ll let her go, I’ll let her have her fun.” I don’t know when Lesley became the fun distributor, but her heart is definitely in the right place. I mean, how fun could the life of a substitute teacher be? Lesley knows that it can’t be great. Nice of her to allow Wedding Dress some fun.
8:07- Sean says what we’re all thinking: “Wedding dress almost went home on the first date. I’m so glad she didn’t.”
8:08- My roommate, Luke, has never seen this show. He is watching with me tonight because we only have one TV. His commentary will be sprinkled throughout. His first comment as Sean and Wedding dress get in the helicopter; “I hope the helicopter crashes.”
8:09- Things seem to be going really well for Wedding dress on this one on one date. Is she about to pull off the biggest comeback in Bachelor history? This is a girl who wore a Wedding dress and got so drunk the first night that SHE FELL TO THE GROUND! Now she’s getting one on one dates.
8:11- Sean says, “I wanna sit down and see if things go a little bit deeper.” Males nod.
8:12- Wedding dress just used the word adolescence. I bet she couldn’t spell it.
8:13- AshLee says Tierra was as happy as a bumblebee full of honey. My roommate is skeptical; “Admittedly, I don’t know a ton about bumblebees, but I’m pretty sure they are not full of honey.” My buddy Kent, of “We almost died in Auburn” story fame tweeted this to me: “They are not full of honey, Aaron. I know a lot about bumblebees.”
8:14- In the meantime, Wedding dress gets a rose. Then they go walking around downtown Whitefish, Montana and WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!? There is a HUGE crowd and concert going on. Man, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?!? I’ll be honest, seems like that was planned.
8:17- Chris Harrison sighting, DRINK!
8:19- Time for the group date. They are going to milk goats and drink the milk. Selma says “just give a little” and makes a hand motion I can’t describe without getting fired.
8:20- These girls may be worse at canoeing than anyone is at anything.
8:27- Desiree didn’t so much drink the milk as much as she just poured it on her face. TJ Lavin would’ve never gone for that on The Challenge.
8:31- Lesley is no long the fun distributor. She had this to say about her team’s loss; “Weak people piss me off. Losing pisses me off. And not getting more time with Sean pisses me off.”
8:40- Tierra, who isn’t supposed to see Sean during the group date, just walked in during Sean’s private interview and covered his eyes. This is The Bachelor, a reality TV show. So this can’t be staged. How did she know where he was?!? Crazy lucky guess by her.
8:48- “The fact that she came out tonight, I don’t know what to make of it.” Well, we do. She’s completely insane.
8:51- “Two women, one rose. One stays. One goes.” This sounds like a promo for a pay per view wrestling match. It’d be like “Jackie vs. Tierra in a cage match for Sean’s heart! No holds barred! First girl to climb the ladder and grab the rose wins! Watch our for the thorns!”, probably.
8:54- After Daniella just cried for no reason and then made out with Sean, all Luke could muster was “THIS IS BRUTAL.” I agree.
9:01- Tierra: “Jackie doesnt know she’s on a date with me and my husband”.
Luke: “I don’t think Sean knows either.”
9:05- Jackie’s plan is to talk crap about Tierra. This has never worked. But it’s a no holds barred cage match. You have to pull out all the stops.
9:06- According to Jackie, Tierra flirted with a guy at the airport when they were on the way to Montana. I totally get how Sean could get mad about that. He’s not flirting and making out with 10 different gir…. Oh wait. Yes. Yes he is.
9:10- Do you guys have friends that occasionally say things that make you blankly stare back at them? I do. I had a friend in college that we called “Captain Obvious.” Sean just joined his team with this brilliant observation: “I feel like Tierra comes with so much drama.”
9:12- Tierra doesn’t look Sean in the eyes when she talks to him. I think she could totally be making this story up about her dead ex-boyfriend. Of course, that could just be fallout from Manti Te’o. I mean, if you can’t trust a star football player with a half sleeve tattoo who can you trust?
9:14- Tierra wins the cage match and gets the rose.
9:16- Forget everything I said about dates ending in confetti. Fireworks>>>>Confetti. Kids, did I use those arrow things correctly?
9:23- Just had the following exchange with my roommate…
Luke: “Wait, does that girl only have one arm?”
Me: “Yes! We’re an hour and a half into the show. How did you just notice that?”
Luke: “Why is it like that?”
Me: “She was born that way.”
Luke: “Like Lady Gaga?”
Me: “Yes. Like Lady Gaga.”
9:25- Tierra just stormed out of the room and told the cameras “”I want to punch every girl in that room. I will beat the s*** out of these (female dogs).” Some other girls followed her. Robyn said she’d turn this into the Bad Girls Club. This ought to end well.
9:26- What happens next is one of the greatest moments I’ve ever witnessed on a television screen. Tierra delivered the soliloquy to end all soliloquies. She even went third person at one point. It took me a little while, but I’ve transcribed the entire thing. These are Tierra’s words to a few of the girls:
“I’m gonna lay it out to you all. I don’t care what people say at the end of the day. Everyone is in each others ears about Tierra (THIRD PERSON Y’ALL!!). This is what I would like. The looks at each other when I walk into the room need to stop. Enough is enough. This is childish s***. Do I have feelings for Sean? Yes. Do I like him? Absolutely. But I’m not about to get threatened. You all are insecure. Not me. I’m like so over this. I don’t even care. I really don’t anymore. If I wanna go get engaged I can easily go get engaged. There are plenty of (f-bomb)ing guys in the world.”
I mean, wow. WOW. WOW!!! She went third person, cursed a few times, said she didn’t care, and then said she could easily get engaged if she wanted to get engaged. I am so confused, but it a good confused. A confused that makes me happy I’m confused. Because if you understand what she did there, YOU ARE CRAZY.
9:34- Desiree doesn’t understand, but she has a solution; “She needs a xanax and to be sent home.”
9:35- Tierra says “I’m not a drama person at all,” which we all know is easily translated to “I am totally a drama person.” We’ve been here too long for you to get that one past us, T.
9:44- Chris Harrison, DRINK.
9:45- Sean said girls are spending time talking about other girls. What he means is “Girls are talking about Tierra.” Maybe, Sean, it’s because you POINT BLANK asked them about her. Just sayin’.
Rose 1- Selma that won’t kiss on TV but made a hand motion I’d get fired for describing. Duh.
Rose 2- Catherine the vegan that loves the beef and sitting in laps.
Rose 3-Lesley the one time fun distributor.
Rose 4- goes to AshLee. That is great and all, but the longer the stays here the less organized people close to her are going to be. Hate that for them.
Rose 5- Sarah the girl that hid the fact she only has one arm from my roommate for an hour and a half.
Rose 6- Desiree.
We’re now down to nine as Robyn the terrible driveway gymnast goes home. Team Crazy is alive and well with Tierra and Wedding dress securing roses before the ceremony. There are 2 more hours of The Bachelor tomorrow night, but due to Kentucky’s basketball game against South Carolina I will not be watching. I plan to recording it and watch it Wednesday. You can look for the next post Thursday morning. I know you’ll be looking forward to it.
In closing, as they preview the rest of the season, my roommate says “If Tierra dies tomorrow night I’ll watch the rest of the season.” Challenge accepted?