We’ve reached the point in the Bachelor season where the girls have convinced themselves they are in love with a man each of them have spent less than approximately 10 actual hours with. From what I can tell, each episode takes place during a real life week (7 days). So, this episode was filmed during the fourth week they were there. Let’s say you dated someone for four weeks in real life where there were no restrictions on the time you could spend with that person and there weren’t 15 other people dating them. Would you be in love? I certainly hope not. However, that doesn’t stop the girls on this TV show. Nope, tonight we will find out that many of them are “falling for him” already. And while this is ridiculous, it’s great. Because girls that love the same things love to fight about who loves them more and question the intentions of anyone else who claims a greater connection to that thing. That thing could be anything from a nail polish to a spin class to a living human being. In this case, it’s a human being named Juan Pablo. Their feelings for him makes them fight and say crazy stuff, which is perfect. That’s exactly why we’re here.
8:03- Juan Pablo, wedgie fixer.
8:04- The girls are excited to go to South Korea. Clare feels unprepared due to her lack of kimono ownership.
8:05- They flew to South Korea in two minutes.
8:07- Nikki, while excited to go to South Korea, was not excited to go on the group date “halfway around the world 5 other girls that annoy me.”
8:14- While not ecstatic about being on the group date, Nikki was pumped up about how many YouTube views their dance instructors’ videos had. “Their YouTube video had 77 million views. Million! That’s a lot of views.” If Nikki’s talking numbers, I’m listening.
8:15- If Nikki is teaching dancing, however, I’m out. She just busted out “the sprinkler” and “the grab your foot and thrust your knee back and forth” dances. They weren’t terribly executed, I just already know them well.
8:16- Kat, you cannot tout yourself as the best dancer in the group when also on the date is RODNEY STUCKEY’S BABY MOMMA WHO JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE A FORMER NBA DANCER!! You think she made it to the pros by only knowing the cha cha slide?! NO. She made it just like everyone else. By being prettier than you.
8:17- The girls are told by the dance instructors that they will be performing at this dance group’s show tonight. Apparently they are a big deal. Kat and Nikki have opposite reactions:
Kat: “*high pitched, while jumping up and down* I’M SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW!! We’re going to be dancing on stage tonight with Twenty One (the dance group’s name). I CANNOT believe this is happening *multiple awkward fist pumps*!”
Nikki: “I don’t know the words I’d use to describe this feeling right now.This is my worst nightmare. Now we’re like getting on stage in front of thousands of screaming Korean teens and I kind of want to crap my pants.” You don’t want to crap your pants in public, Nikki. Trust me. There’s no panic like crapping your pants in public.
8:22- Nikki: “Could this day get any worse? It’s kind of cute and fun that I like suck at dancing in the privacy of the studio. Like, yeah, I get it. Let’s all laugh. But now I have to get on stage in front of who knows how many screaming teenage fans? What makes anyone believe I’m going to be able to do it when I’m terrified?” Nikki, the worst part of your day should not be having to be on the group date and the most terrifying part of you day shouldn’t be having to dance on stage in front of a big crowd. The worst and most terrifying thing you have to do today should be wearing this atrocity on your head:
(click below for Nikki’s awful hat and the rest of the diary)
How much can a person bear in a day. First a group date. Then choreographed dancing. Now THIS?!?
8:25- The girls are dancing now and it was what it was, I guess. But don’t tell this guy it wasn’t great. You cannot show me anyone that had a better time than THIS GUY:
8:31- Kat: “We walk in, we sit down, and we see that there is a rose on the table.” Yes, Kat. Because this is the 400th season of The Bachelor and there is ALWAYS a rose on the table during dates. Every. Single. Time. There is never not a rose. Not ever.
8:32- We have our first allusion to people not being here for the right reasons. It comes from Nikki. If you had Nikki in your “first person to allude to girls not being there for the right reasons” pool, you’re a winner. But you’re also a loser and need to get a life because you were in a “first person to allude to girls not being there for the right reasons” pool. And that’s coming from a grown man who writes upwards of 2,000 words about a reality dating show. Every week.
8:33- Kat’s Dad had 7 DUI’s. Seven. Dude already had six DUI’s and then he got ONE MORE!! Billy Gillispie was like “hey man, maybe you shouldn’t drive.”
8:38- “Sharleen, are you my SEOUL mate” is what Sharleen’s really clever one on one date card said. Man, ABC, you guys are good. I TOTALLY get it because people that are in love are called “soul” mates, but they are in “Seoul” and those words sound the same and you changed them around to make it “SEOUL mate” LOL!!!
8:40- Nikki gets the group date rose, and then gets her face licked by Juan Pablo. Most kissers lead with the lips, but not Juanny Pabs. My man heads in tongue first! He’s all like “Knock knock (who’s there?) MY TONGUE!!!”
SHARLEEN’S ONE ON ONE DATE
8:47- Sharleen’s main problem is that she thinks she is smarter than Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo’s main problem is that Sharleen IS smarter than him.
8:50- I stopped paying attention to a large portion of this date to text Matt about how much I hate this show.
8:51- Sharleen: “I don’t want the early stages of any relationship to have anything to do with the fact that I’m an opera singer.” Guys don’t want any stage of a relationship to have anything to do with the fact you are an opera singer.
9:02- Sharleen gets a rose because Juan Pablo is…. ahhh, who cares?
9:12- Karaoke, foot pedaling boats, fish eating dead skin off their feet, and eating octopus. Every girl’s dream date, basically.
9:13- Clare, it’s calamari without the breading. Stop acting like you just swallowed trash truck juice.
9:21- Andi picks the worst places to spend time with Juan Pablo. Last week they made out in a concession stand and this week they sat down on concrete. There are couches, you know?
9:22- One of the girls: “Lauren, are you going to try to kiss him tonight?”
Lauren: “Probably not.”
9:23- Lauren to Juan Pablo one minute later: “Kiss me.” This is not a joke. This is exactly what happened. Juan Pablo did not kiss her, making up some crap about not wanting his daughter to see him kiss a bunch of girls. Then Lauren cries to Juan Pablo about not getting a kiss when other girls got a kiss. She cried. Actual tears. Seems like a good time for the “Turkey Hunter Text of the Night, “ which you may recall is a feature I provide when I get a text from Turkey Hunter that I can actually print without getting fired. They are few and far between. Tonight’s has to do with Lauren who cried because she didn’t get kissed:
“Lauren went straight from the fish zone to the friend zone.”
He’ll be here all season, folks.
9:32- Clare is prouder about eating octopus than I’ve ever been about anything. And that’s coming from a guy who won a swimming bronze medal in the Bluegrass State games once. To continue my streak of golf references, she’s like “Adam Scott after winning the Masters” proud of herself.
9:33- Juan Pablo, who is not going to kiss anyone tonight, kisses someone tonight. Juan Pablo stuck to his “no kissing” rule for about as long as he’s had a shirt on this season. Not much time at all. I bet when Camila sees this she turns directly to alcohol and drugs and runs away from home.
9:39- The girls with roses (Nikki, Andi, Sharleen) agree to let the girls without roses have more time with Juan Pablo tonight.
9:40- Nikki ends Clare’s time with Juan Pablo.
9:43- It’s like to the point that, like, I like can’t even like listen to Nikki, like, talk. Like at all.
9:46- When Clare says Nikki’s attitude doesn’t warrant a rose, Nikki astutely points out to Clare that she does not hand out the roses. I CANNOT argue this. It’s completely factual. I know because I’ve seen Clare not hand out the roses.
1st rose- Renee.
2nd rose- Chelsie
3rd rose- Kelley. By the way, who is taking care of her dog? They didn’t bring it to South Korea for fear of it being turned into someone’s dinner.
4th rose- Danielle. Danielle still being here is amazing. We’re four episodes in and I’ve watched every second at least once and I literally can’t tell you one single thing about her.
5th rose- Rodney Stuckey’s baby momma.
6th rose- Allison. I also know nothing about Allison.
7th rose- Clare. Duh. She makes out.
8th rose- Kat. Duh. It was between her, Elise, and Lauren the crier. Of course she was going to get it.
9:56- Lauren & Elise go home. Here are the interesting things they had to say on the way out:
9:58- Juan Pablo: “We’re gonna leave Seoul, it’s kind of cold here. So, we’re gonna go. It’s gonna be… hot…. It’s gonna be… gorgeous. Very exotic. We are leaving tomorrow to go to Vietnam!”
How many words to describe Vietnam would come to your mind before “gorgeous” and “exotic?” All of the other words that are words, right?