We’re a couple episodes into the second season of this Bachelor post so I don’t have to tell you why we’re here anymore. By this point you’ve established your relationship with this post. You have one of four types of relationships with the KSR Bachelor Running Diary:
1. You hate it like cancer and suggest Matt and I be executed in the comments section. Me for writing it and Matt for putting it on his sports website. (small, over the top percentage).
2. You hate it like Billy Gillispie and suggest that this post can continue living as long as it does so elsewhere.
3. You have never read it. You only read the comments section, which you really love (large percentage).
4. You actually read it and enjoy it (again, small over the top percentage consisting of Matt Jones and a handful of women).
That being said, haters keep hatin’ and lovers keep lovin’. That’s what the crazy girls on this show are going to do. Let’s get started.
8:02- Nikki: “On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m a level 15 ready to get out of this house and spend some time with Juan Pablo today.” Someone needs to explain to Nikki how scales work. As I recall, she is a nurse. Numbers come into play in that profession. Here is how I imagine her administering pain meds: “On a scale of 1 tablet every 4 hours you should take 30 right now.”
8:04- Juan Pablo’s daughter just said “I don’t want chicken.” That, combined with a multitude of other reasons (age, language barrier, geography, I’m not allowed in parks, etc…) leads me to believe she and I will never be friends.
8:06- Cassandra, Rodney Stuckey’s baby momma, gets the first one on one date of the night. On this date, the jeep they were driving turned into a boat because why wouldn’t it? TAKE THAT RODNEY STUCKEY!
8:07- Cassandra said her last first date was when she was 18. Then she said her last first date was three years ago. When I do the math on that to get her age, I come up with 21. (Of course, I’ll have to run those numbers by Nikki.) To continue with the math, I conclude that she was born in the 90’s (1991). Juan Pablo is 32. He was born in 1981. I know Pretty Ricky says “age ain’t nothing but a number,” but he was 27 when she got her drivers license.
8:10- Let me give you a numerical summary for what has happened on this date so far:
1. They drove a jeep to the beach.
2. They drove aforementioned jeep into the water.
3. Jeep turned into a boat.
4. They drove around in the jeepboat for a while.
5. They docked the jeepboat at a floating yacht that was waiting for them.
6. They held hands as they jumped off the yacht and into the water.
7. They made out in the water.
(*Commercial*)- For a numerical summary of what happens on realistic first dates and the rest of the diary, click the “more” link below:
REALISTIC FIRST DATE
1. Guy takes his car he has had since high school graduation to the car wash. He doesn’t get it washed. He only vacuums out the wadded up fast food straw wrappers and food crumbles and tries to get rid of that chewing gum stuck to the carpet. He can’t. He also puts those clothes that have been in his backseat for 7 weeks into the trunk.
2. Guy debates on whether or not to actually go pick the girl up.
3. Guy reluctantly picks her up and drives her to Cheddars/Chili’s/Applebees.
4. At no point on the drive there did guy’s car turn into a boat.
5. Guy lets her out at the door because guy’s a damn gentleman, by gosh. And guy wants her to go put their name in while he parks.
6. They eat dinner and split a two for one margarita. One round.
7. Guy holds her hand as they walk to the car.
8. Guy drives her home.
9. Guy at no point kisses her in water because he took her to Cheddars/Chili’s/Applebees.
8:15- In the history of this show, has anyone ever said they didn’t think they deserved a one on one date? “You know, I just don’t deserve to go on a date alone with this guy. I can think of 15 other girls on a scale of 10 that deserve it more than me.”
8:17- If you had “4” in the “Number of Times in 11 Minutes that ABC Will Air Cassandra Saying How Old She Was on Her Last First Date” pool, you’re a winner. If you had any other number, you lose. Ask Nikki if you’re not sure about the numerical system.
8:32- Sharleen, not great at soccer.
8:39- Me:”Hey Cassandra, where’d you and Juan Pablo have your first kiss?”
Cassandra: “In the water after we drove a jeepboat around and jumped off a yacht.”
Me: “Hey Andi, where’d you and Juan Pablo have your first kiss?”
Andi: “Up against a meat cooler inside a concession stand kitchen at the L.A. Galaxy’s stadium.”
8:43- Sharleen, not great at kissing.
8:44- Two quick questions: 1. Is Free Spirit’s hair wet or dirty? 2. Is the “cabbage patch” dance still a thing?
8:52- Chelsie is on her one on one date with Juan Pablo. They are going to bungee jump off a bridge. If you’re ever about to take me to bungee jump off a bridge, don’t feed me immediately before. Also, don’t take me to bungee jump off a bridge.
8:55- My stomach is in my throat. I hate heights like I hate Louisville.
8:56- Same. RT @ChelsieAboutToJumpOffABridge: “I don’t like edges. I get anxiety standing near a window that is really high up, let alone standing over nothing.”
9:01- I don’t know why they show this whole part where she is indecisive about jumping. Wouldn’t anyone be indecisive? We’ve seen the preview 10 times. We know they end up jumping. And when Juan Pablo says, “We can do whatever you want” he means “I don’t want to do this either, this is ridiculous. I’m full of food right now and I might puke on you.”
9:03- Me: “Hey Chelsie, where’d you and Juan Pablo have your first kiss?”
Chelsie: “Hanging upside down off a bridge that we bungee jumped from. Not gonna lie, I had a little pee in my pants.”
Me: “Hey Andi, I forgot. Where’d you say you and Juan Pablo had your first kiss?”
Andi: “*Loud sigh* Up against a meat cooler inside a concession stand kitchen at the L.A. Galaxy’s stadium.”
9:10- Does Elise talk about anything other than Cheslie?
Here are the top four things Elise has talked about in this episode:
9:11- Speaking of Chelsie, what a set of chompers on that girl. Girl’s got a fuller mouth of teeth than Stephen Ames.
9:13- Billy Currington was brought in for the inevitable one on one date private concert. They needed someone shorter than Juan Pablo.
9:14- Chelsie said “Oh my gosh, dancing with Juan Pablo to Billy Currington. There’s just no words for how perfect of a day that it was today” and that is the last time in the history of the world that combination of words will be used in that order.
9:26- The pool party didn’t look like a terrible time to be Juanny Pabs.
9:32- The pool party still doesn’t look like a terrible time to be Juanny Pabs.
9:34- Sharleen, not great at ignoring cameras
9:35- Sharleen, still not great at kissing.
9:41- Renee is involved in every “calm someone down” conversation. All of them. This time she is calming Clare down.
9:43- Girls still coming on this show and complaining about not getting enough attention is mind boggling to me. Have they not ever watched the show before? Of course they have. They know exactly what is going to happen. Insanity is sometimes defined as “doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result.” In relation to this show and this situation, insanity should be defined as “You’ve watched this show for 10 years and you know what’s going to happen but you still can’t believe it’s happening to you.” Insanity can also be defined as “going on national television to find a husband.”
9:45- In Clare’s like two minutes of time on the porch with Juanny Pabs, she like said “like” 8 times when, like, she didn’t need to,like, say like.
9:53- Andi collects the first rose.
Me: “Hey, Andi, one more time. Where’d you and Juan Pablo have your first ki….?”
Andi: “Aaron I will end you.”
9:53:30- Renee gets the second rose. She also deserves a counseling degree.
9:54- Kelly got a rose, proving that you can call someone a whore on television and still be considered a suitable step mother.
9:54:30- Sharleen, though not good at most stuff, is good at getting roses.
9:55- Elise stopped talking about Chelsie long enough to say yes to a rose.
9:55:15- Cat, undefeated in the pool game “chicken,” stays undefeated in the rose ceremony.
9:55:30- Allison, the nanny from Chicago who I can’t tell you one thing about, gets a rose.
9:55:45- Clare, like, got like a rose.
9:56- Something called a Lauren gets a rose.
9:57- Annnnd the final rose goes to Danielle, who we also know nothing about.
9:57:30- Sent packing are Free Spirit and a blonde girl that I’m not sure was ever filmed speaking before her predictable teary goodbye.
9:58- Free Spirit arrived with no shoes and she’ll be damned if she leaves in them. I’ll miss Free Spirit, and wish her the best of luck in the Free Spirit industry. Reports are she is doing fine.
That’ll do it for now. See you guys next week. And in the comments section threatening my life.