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KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 3): Sharleen, Not Great at Stuff

the-bachelor-show-abc

We’re a couple episodes into the second season of this Bachelor post so I don’t have to tell you why we’re here anymore. By this point you’ve established your relationship with this post. You have one of four types of relationships with the KSR Bachelor Running Diary:

1. You hate it like cancer and suggest Matt and I be executed in the comments section. Me for writing it and Matt for putting it on his sports website. (small, over the top percentage).

2. You hate it like Billy Gillispie and suggest that this post can continue living as long as it does so elsewhere.

3. You have never read it. You only read the comments section, which you really love (large percentage).

4. You actually read it and enjoy it (again, small over the top percentage consisting of Matt Jones and a handful of women).

 

That being said, haters keep hatin’ and lovers keep lovin’. That’s what the crazy girls on this show are going to do. Let’s get started.

 

8:02- Nikki: “On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m a level 15 ready to get out of this house and spend some time with Juan Pablo today.” Someone needs to explain to Nikki how scales work. As I recall, she is a nurse. Numbers come into play in that profession. Here is how I imagine her administering pain meds: “On a scale of 1 tablet every 4 hours you should take 30 right now.”

8:04- Juan Pablo’s daughter just said “I don’t want chicken.” That, combined with a multitude of other reasons (age, language barrier, geography, I’m not allowed in parks, etc…) leads me to believe she and I will never be friends.

8:06- Cassandra, Rodney Stuckey’s baby momma, gets the first one on one date of the night. On this date, the jeep they were driving turned into a boat because why wouldn’t it? TAKE THAT RODNEY STUCKEY!

8:07- Cassandra said her last first date was when she was 18. Then she said her last first date was three years ago. When I do the math on that to get her age, I come up with 21. (Of course, I’ll have to run those numbers by Nikki.) To continue with the math, I conclude that she was born in the 90’s (1991). Juan Pablo is 32. He was born in 1981. I know Pretty Ricky says “age ain’t nothing but a number,” but he was 27 when she got her drivers license. 

8:10- Let me give you a numerical summary for what has happened on this date so far:

1. They drove a jeep to the beach.

2. They drove aforementioned jeep into the water.

3. Jeep turned into a boat.

4. They drove around in the jeepboat for a while.

5. They docked the jeepboat at a floating yacht that was waiting for them.

6. They held hands as they jumped off the yacht and into the water.

7. They made out in the water.

(*Commercial*)- For a numerical summary of what happens on realistic first dates and the rest of the diary, click the “more” link below:

REALISTIC FIRST DATE

1. Guy takes his car he has had since high school graduation to the car wash. He doesn’t get it washed. He only vacuums out the wadded up fast food straw wrappers and food crumbles and tries to get rid of that chewing gum stuck to the carpet. He can’t. He also puts those clothes that have been in his backseat for 7 weeks into the trunk.

2. Guy debates on whether or not to actually go pick the girl up.

3. Guy reluctantly picks her up and drives her to Cheddars/Chili’s/Applebees.

4. At no point on the drive there did guy’s car turn into a boat.

5. Guy lets her out at the door because guy’s a damn gentleman, by gosh. And guy wants her to go put their name in while he parks.

6. They eat dinner and split a two for one margarita. One round.

7. Guy holds her hand as they walk to the car.

8. Guy drives her home.

9. Guy at no point kisses her in water because he took her to Cheddars/Chili’s/Applebees.

 

8:15- In the history of this show, has anyone ever said they didn’t think they deserved a one on one date? “You know, I just don’t deserve to go on a date alone with this guy. I can think of 15 other girls on a scale of 10 that deserve it more than me.”

8:17- If you had “4” in the “Number of Times in 11 Minutes that ABC Will Air Cassandra Saying How Old She Was on Her Last First Date” pool, you’re a winner. If you had any other number, you lose. Ask Nikki if you’re not sure about the numerical system.

8:32- Sharleen, not great at soccer.

8:39- Me:”Hey Cassandra, where’d you and Juan Pablo have your first kiss?”

Cassandra: “In the water after we drove a jeepboat around and jumped off a yacht.”

Me: “Hey Andi, where’d you and Juan Pablo have your first kiss?”

Andi: “Up against a meat cooler inside a concession stand kitchen at the L.A. Galaxy’s stadium.”

8:43- Sharleen, not great at kissing.

8:44- Two quick questions: 1. Is Free Spirit’s hair wet or dirty? 2. Is the “cabbage patch” dance still a thing?

8:52- Chelsie is on her one on one date with Juan Pablo. They are going to bungee jump off a bridge. If you’re ever about to take me to bungee jump off a bridge, don’t feed me immediately before. Also, don’t take me to bungee jump off a bridge.

8:55- My stomach is in my throat. I hate heights like I hate Louisville.

8:56-  Same. RT @ChelsieAboutToJumpOffABridge: “I don’t like edges. I get anxiety standing near a window that is really high up, let alone standing over nothing.”

9:01- I don’t know why they show this whole part where she is indecisive about jumping. Wouldn’t anyone be indecisive? We’ve seen the preview 10 times. We know they end up jumping. And when Juan Pablo says, “We can do whatever you want” he means “I don’t want to do this either, this is ridiculous. I’m full of food right now and I might puke on you.”

9:03- Me: “Hey Chelsie, where’d you and Juan Pablo have your first kiss?”

Chelsie: “Hanging upside down off a bridge that we bungee jumped from. Not gonna lie, I had a little pee in my pants.”

Me: “Hey Andi, I forgot. Where’d you say you and Juan Pablo had your first kiss?”

Andi: “*Loud sigh* Up against a meat cooler inside a concession stand kitchen at the L.A. Galaxy’s stadium.”

9:10- Does Elise talk about anything other than Cheslie?

Here are the top four things Elise has talked about in this episode:

1. Chelsie

2. Chelsie

3. Chelsie

4.

9:11- Speaking of Chelsie, what a set of chompers on that girl. Girl’s got a fuller mouth of teeth than Stephen Ames.

mouth full of teeth

9:13- Billy Currington was brought in for the inevitable one on one date private concert. They needed someone shorter than Juan Pablo.

9:14- Chelsie said “Oh my gosh, dancing with Juan Pablo to Billy Currington. There’s just no words for how perfect of a day that it was today” and that is the last time in the history of the world that combination of words will be used in that order.

9:26- The pool party didn’t look like a terrible time to be Juanny Pabs.

9:32- The pool party still doesn’t look like a terrible time to be Juanny Pabs.

9:34- Sharleen, not great at ignoring cameras

9:35- Sharleen, still not great at kissing.

9:41- Renee is involved in every “calm someone down” conversation. All of them. This time she is calming Clare down.

9:43- Girls still coming on this show and complaining about not getting enough attention is mind boggling to me. Have they not ever watched the show before? Of course they have. They know exactly what is going to happen. Insanity is sometimes defined as “doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result.” In relation to this show and this situation, insanity should be defined as “You’ve watched this show for 10 years and you know what’s going to happen but you still can’t believe it’s happening to you.” Insanity can also be defined as “going on national television to find a husband.”

9:45- In Clare’s like two minutes of time on the porch with Juanny Pabs, she like said “like” 8 times when, like, she didn’t need to,like, say like.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

9:53- Andi collects the first rose.

Me: “Hey, Andi, one more time. Where’d you and Juan Pablo have your first ki….?”

Andi: “Aaron I will end you.”

9:53:30- Renee gets the second rose. She also deserves a counseling degree.

9:54- Kelly got a rose, proving that you can call someone a whore on television and still be considered a suitable step mother.

9:54:30- Sharleen, though not good at most stuff, is good at getting roses.

9:55- Elise stopped talking about Chelsie long enough to say yes to a rose.

9:55:15- Cat, undefeated in the pool game “chicken,” stays undefeated in the rose ceremony.

9:55:30- Allison, the nanny from Chicago who I can’t tell you one thing about, gets a rose.

9:55:45- Clare, like, got like a rose.

9:56- Something called a Lauren gets a rose.

9:57- Annnnd the final rose goes to Danielle, who we also know nothing about.

9:57:30- Sent packing are Free Spirit and a blonde girl that I’m not sure was ever filmed speaking before her predictable teary goodbye.

9:58- Free Spirit arrived with no shoes and she’ll be damned if she leaves in them. I’ll miss Free Spirit, and wish her the best of luck in the Free Spirit industry. Reports are she is doing fine.

 

That’ll do it for now. See you guys next week. And in the comments section threatening my life.

 

@AFlenerKSR

 

 

Article written by Aaron Flener

John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here.

43 Comments for KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 3): Sharleen, Not Great at Stuff



  1. Melissa
    8:15 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    I’ve never seen a single episode of The Bachelor. I refuse to miss a single episode of The Bachelor recap. Hilarious, Aaron!



  2. Just seeking information
    8:23 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Any news on Matt Elam. Haven’t seen a story on here the past 30 minutes. Where did he eat breakfast this morning, at UK or Alabama?



  3. asdf
    8:27 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Has anyone ever pointed out that this is not sports related?



  4. Enough
    8:27 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Ughhhhh……..



    • UT gradmary
      10:46 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

      My husband gave me this link so I could get some UKBB info and I did not expect to find this. I knew you UK people were ‘different’, but is this really your sports blog site? UK sports fans coming out of the closet! WAY TOO FUNNY.



    • M
      11:48 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

      Your husband used this site too? Maybe you should ask questions when he wants to hang out with the guys? Does he make you wear a Richard Nixon mask in bed?



  5. I Hate This Crap
    8:28 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    I find it absolutely unbelieveable that this univerally-loathed, inappropriate, ridiculous segment has been brought back…..I would have thought this horrible idea would have been buried below the floor of the ocean and never ever referred to in the future.



  6. Miggity Mike
    8:29 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Comment section preview:

    -“Aaron Flener bends over and spells “run”!”
    -“Why is this on a sports site?!? I’m going to start getting my sport news somewhere else. This is the 500th time I’ve posted this comment.”
    -“WHO READS THIS GARBAGE IT SHOULD NOT BE ON A SPORTS SITE!!!!!!!!!!!”
    -“If you don’t like the post, simply skip over it and go on with your miserable day.”
    -“YAY!! Been waiting all week for the Bachelor comments section! Absolute gold!!!”

    I hope the Escape Goat is ready to go today………



    • Escape Goat
      9:26 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

      Mr. MIggity Mike, I’m here. I’ve got my hooves all shined up. My horns have been sharpened. My pupils are crazy horizontal right now.



  7. classof68
    8:30 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    If no one ever commented on this segment, it would just go away as it should. Yikes, I just commented.



  8. HickPickSix
    8:32 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    The only way this post could be any worse was if Corey Nichols wrote it.



  9. Just Stop
    8:35 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Stop this…I don’t watch this so don’t bring it here.



  10. Call Me Crazy
    8:41 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    After being in the “Who Reads This Garbage It Should Not Be on a Sports Site” crowd for the longest time, I finally decided to see what all the hype was about. After reading through the entire post I have to say I just might have to start watching The Bachelor. This post was fairly entertaining and now I understand why Aaron takes the time to write it.



  11. ClayBob
    8:44 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Reader type #4 right here. Always enjoy it, Flener. And I only wast about 5 minutes of my life instead of two hours!



  12. Escape Goat
    8:46 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    You know what guys? Maybe I’m the one who’s lost. I sure do love reading about these humans acting all crazy and whatnot. Is there someone here who can actually lead me off of this blog? I can’t seem to leave! Maybe I don’t really want to escape at all…

    Yeah, I think I’ll hang around. If anyone else needs to find their way off of this blog, just holler at me. I’m an escape goat. It’s what I do best.



  13. Rockfield, KY
    8:47 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    “Insanity is sometimes defined as “doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result.”

    This quote also applies to the comments section of the Bachelor posts



  14. JDawg
    8:58 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Seriously??? Stop putting this garbage on here. Its basketball season guys. I along with every other MAN doesnt care about this crap



    • Wildcat45
      2:24 pm January 22, 2014 Permalink

      I’m a man and I find this post freaking hilarious. What’s wrong with you idiots that you bash the post, are you all that insecure in your masculinity?



  15. Rod Steele
    8:58 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Flener sucks, the show sucks, the recap sucks, the comments suck, the site sucks & Matt Jones sucks because he wants desperately to be a contestant on the “The Gay Bachelor.”



    • Rockfield, KY
      9:52 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

      Your creative thought process sucks



    • Rod Steele
      12:29 pm January 22, 2014 Permalink

      Sure it does & so do you. Everybody here sucks.



  16. gone fishing
    8:58 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Thank you for another bitch post I will no longer come to this site



    • Rockfield, KY
      9:51 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

      sure you won’t



    • Magnus
      10:23 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

      Pretty sure you will.



  17. K Horton
    9:07 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Since I fit category 4 keep writing. Your hilarious!



  18. ...
    9:26 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO



  19. CatsFan
    9:50 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Shouldn’t the fact that almost every comment to this trash is negative say something about it’s popularity? This diminishes the credibility of this site



    • Miggity Mike
      10:01 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

      Lack of correct punctuation diminishes your comment’s credibility.



  20. UK Freshmen
    9:56 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Right on. Charlene offered up the biggest red flag do far in admitting she’s not athletic. That results in a sure fired fat broad down the road.



  21. Sonny
    11:10 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Great time to move on to a new UK blog as this one clearly is lost in some bachelor HELL theme. Biggest waste of web space ever………………………………….



    • Escape Goat
      11:15 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

      Sonny, do you like goats? I bet you do. In fact, I’d bet lots and lots of bartered moonshine on it. If you want, I can show the way out of here. Follow me. I’ll be your escape goat.



    • Miggity Mike
      3:52 pm January 22, 2014 Permalink

      The Escape Goat for the WIN!!!



  22. sam
    11:33 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    WHY. Hate this crap.



    • Miggity Mike
      4:02 pm January 22, 2014 Permalink

      This comment is incomprehensible.

      It would be great if the comments had a security feature where folks must solve a math problem in order for their comment to post. We’d weed out a lot of the mouthbreathers in a hurry!

      Something like:
      6 × (5 + 3) = ?

      If your answer is 33, please never post anything on the Internet ever again!!



  23. That Guy
    11:39 am January 22, 2014 Permalink

    My theory is that everyone loves the posts and they are so insecure about it that they cannot admit it and have to comment “manly” things to make up for it. Great post as always!



  24. Anna Lea Cothron
    12:28 pm January 22, 2014 Permalink

    I love this and I vote for Miggity Mike to post comments after every negative comment! Fav of today “Lack of correct punctuation diminishes your comment’s credibility.”



    • Miggity Mike
      4:06 pm January 22, 2014 Permalink

      Careful what you wish for. I’d need a lot of help from The Escape Goat!



    • Escape Goat
      4:05 pm January 23, 2014 Permalink

      Anna Lea and Miggity Mike, I have the strength of ten humans. I can support the comedic timing of Miggity for days. There are more than 940,000,000 goats in the world. We could a;; probably pull the moon closer to the earth if we could use our hooves to make a lasso.



  25. I love these
    12:42 pm January 22, 2014 Permalink

    I love these Aaron. My wife watches this crap, so it gives me ammunition without having to watch it. Then she gets mad and turns it off. It’s a win for me. Thanks for taking the bullet for us all!!!



  26. Paul
    12:50 pm January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Gold, Jerry. Pure gold.



  27. Women Everywhere
    2:52 pm January 22, 2014 Permalink

    ‘Matt Jones and a handful of women’ Oo la la



  28. Dylan
    5:35 pm January 22, 2014 Permalink

    Last time I checked, I was coming to a sports website, not a dating site. I can stand that there is other stuff on here that isn’t sports but this? The Bachelor has to be one of the worst shows on TV and we’re blogging about it? Can it be filed in the non-sports section so next time we don’t have to read this crap. Is my comment grammatically correct Miggity or is it diminishing my credibility? Also, who wants to bet Flener writes all the positive comments his self because I can’t see any way on earth that anyone would want to read this.



    • Escape Goat
      4:11 pm January 23, 2014 Permalink

      Dylan, upon further Escape Goat review, you said “we’re blogging about it.” When should we expect your writing to begin showing up where you describe what happened on the Bachelor? Are you co-writing these posts with Aaron Flener and just giving him all of the credit. If so, that is very kind of you.

      Your grammatical credibility was doing ok until you used the phrase “his self.” It’s himself. Even I know that and I’m just a lowly Escape Goat, one of nearly a billion on planet Earth. I’m not feral though, so don’t worry about that. Im straight urbanized.