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Know Your Enemy: University of Mississippi Rebels

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In corporate America (which is where I live), there is a phrase that is often used to signify an acitivity that is done with the intention of just doing something to be doing it. The person performing the activity doesn’t believe it provides any real value and only performs said activity because those he/she is accountable to expect said activity to be done. This generally leads to a half-hearted and lazy effort on the part of the employee anytime he or she is performing a “checking the box activity”.

I say all of this for no particular reason whatsoever and anything that follows in this week’s KYE that would resemble “just checking the box” would be a mere coincidence. Again, don’t think that you’re not getting my best efforts on this mid-week KYE that I have to create completely from scratch (can’t plagiarize myself this week because neither the oblong-team nor the basketball team has played the Ole Miss-tress this year) just because it’s a little bit (OK, a lotta bit) shorter than KYE’s you’ve seen before. You see, I have such faith in the mental abilities of our fair coach (he’s been known to bend spoons telepathically) that I feel I only need to provide a Cliff’s Notes version of the Ole Miss basketball team to help out Billy G. and the boys. That and we’ve been winning when I give one of these, so… “Know-Your-En-e-my, No matter what you do, Know-Your-En-e-mee-ee, No matter where you go, I am standing right beside, I’ll be right behind, No one loves you more than I do, put your hand in mine!” (I award ten points to whoever can guess that one)

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Coach’s Brother, Uri Gell-ispie

Location

Hopefully someone can correct me on this, but if I’m reading the information correctly, it appears that there is a mass grave under the northeast corner of the Tad Smith Coliseum where the Rebels play the basketball. It would seem that the University’s School of Medicine was used as a hospital during the Civil War and numerous soldiers who didn’t quite get well were buried in a mass grave on campus. Legend has it that the ghost of Ansu Sesay will haunt the Tad Pad until Ole Miss wins the SEC Tournament.

Notable Alumni

For the first time in Know Your Enemy history (it’s only been like seven months, though, so it’s not as impressive as it sounds), we will feature notable alumni from the land of make-believe (otherwise known as “television” or “T-V”). Turns out that that the character Suzanne Sugarbaker from “Designing Women” attended the University of Mississippi where she was a member of the Phi Beta Pi sorority. If you’re like me, then you’ve seen every “Designing Women” episode (even the crappy ones where they brought in the daughter from “Newhart” and Jan Hooks) and you have noticed that Suzanne went from super-hot beauty queen in the first season to slightly overweight, but with a still very pretty face midway through the series’ run, all the way to a “Honey, for your children’s sake, please put down the doughnuts” girth in her final episodes. I like to think that it had something to do with the complexity of Suzanne’s character, but reality would suggest that Delta Burke really just liked fried butter on a popsicle stick. In a not-the-least-bit-fascinating coincidence, Delta Burke’s husband Gerald McRaney (“Simon & Simon” rocked, “Major Dad” blew) actually did attended Ole Miss. No word on whether Delta’s character Suzanne ever met Gerald while they were both matriculating.

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Excuse me, ma’am, but…did you eat Suzanne Sugarbaker?

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Anyone else covet that mustache? That alone qualifies him to be Commissioner of Agriculture.

Cheerleader Scouting Report

Not bad, but I don’t know how many times I have to tell them “when you suck in your gut, it shouldn’t look obvious”. Unfortunately, not all of them heeded my advice in this picture. It’s almost like they’re not even opening my letters…that I seal with burnt arm hair.

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Basketball History

None to speak of. Joe Harvell, Ansu Sesay, and that one guy that was really short, but seemed to hit 3’s every time he played Kentucky. That’s about it.

Players

No, I am not about to go after Brian Smith. This blog has been relatively free of the discussion of former coaches (mercifully) as of late, so I will attempt to keep it that way. How about Jermey Parnell? Yes, I spelled it correctly: J-E-R-M-E-Y. Few know this, but “Jermey” comes from the Old English word meaning “to be covered with disease”. And then there is 48 year-old Kenny Williams. I have an uncle named Kenny Williams, though I doubt he is the same person who plays for Ole Miss mainly because my uncle graduated from UK, wears glasses, lives in West Virginia, and is white.

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Best Beards in SEC History: 1. Ralph 2. Kenny Williams’

Airtight Predictions

At some point in the game, Ramel Bradley will make a questionable decision, but will later go and totally redeem himself by doing something wonderful. Joe will wear a white shirt under his jersey and Derick Jasper will wear a knee brace. Bill Keightly will have a mint julep or three on someone’s veranda and claim that it is “mighty hot this evenin'” as he wipes sweat from his head with a white handerkerchief before replacing his hat. He’ll then campaign for governor of Mississppi and win. Kenny Williams’ beard will lead Ole Miss with 7 rebounds and Kenny Williams himself will chip in with 4. This will not be enough to prevent Kentucky’s siege of the Rebels’ offense, which will make Vicksburg look like a picnic. Also, after Coury plays his requisite 3 minutes, he will return to the bench, put on his warm-up, remove his shoes, put on some slippers, light his pipe, then read a newspaper for the remainder of the game.

Summary

Felines win in a route 111-11. The state of Mississippi is so embarressed it again tries to seceed–without sucess (quitters). Andy Kennedy’s bald head generally draws its power from Earth’s yellow sun, but it should be overcast all day in Lexingtonville and Kennedy’s powers will be useless. Here’s to the Cats continued assault on the NCAA bubble and to the completion of Ole Miss’s quest to become the 2008 version of 2007 Clemson. Go Cats.

Article written by Mosley