Mosley, a KSR founding father, once had a feature entitled “Know Your Enemy” in order for UK fans to be fully informed about their next opponent. While Mosley has moved on to bigger and better things, our enemies continue to be part of our life. I want to keep us prepared on a weekly basis.
“Tis best to weigh the enemy more mighty than he seems.” -Bill Shakespeare
Honestly, last week could have gone better. That’s no secret. Our football team ran more screens than our basketball team. It’s generally hard to score on us in the red zone because we let you score way before then. To sum up last Saturday, I’ll say this. It’s never a good sign when you walk into the establishment in which you plan on watching the game and have this conversation with the bartender:
Me: Is the UK-Florida game going to be on?
Bartender: Yeah, we’ve got the sound on, too.
Me: Awesome, man. I’m kind of surprised.
Bartender: Well, it’s the only game on right now.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Kentucky football: We’re better than leaving your TV off.
The University of South Carolina is located in Columbia, a city which is featured in 22 different states. This Columbia is in South Carolina, which makes a lot of sense. Columbia, SC is the largest city named “Columbia” in the nation. It’s nickname is “Paradise City.” I’ve never been there, but I assume the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Fairly standard for an SEC town, I’d say (not counting the small area of Nashville where Vanderbilt is located).
According to Willie Taggart, South Carolina is the school students go to when they can’t get into Clemson or College of Charleston.
Notable Alumni (“People named Hootie” Division):
Hootie and the Blowfish- It is widely known that Darius Rucker is a South Carolina grad, but actually ALL the members of Hootie and the Blowfish are Gamecocks. The band broke up so Darius could go make money singing terrible country songs. But Hootie and the Blowfish and music went together like “lamb and tuna fish, or spaghetti and meatball.” If you didn’t like Hootie, I’d question your patriotism.
Hootie Johnson- Apparently there’s a little “Hootie” in the water down in South Carolina. This Hootie was a former chairman of Augusta National Golf Club, the home of The Masters. Johnson directed two significant overhauls of the golf course (also known as Tiger proofing) and allowed 18-hole network television coverage of “a tradition unlike any other”, therefore making him solely responsible for some of the most amazing naps ever taken.
Johnson is widely known for a disagreement beginning in 2002 with Martha Burk over admission of female members to Augusta National. This policy has now changed, but at the time Hootie said “Our membership is single gender just as many other organizations and clubs all across America. These would include junior Leagues, sororities, fraternities, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, and countless others. And we all have a moral and legal right to organize our clubs the way we wish.” That may be true, Hootie, but let’s try to stay away from butt chugging boxed wine and posting tailgate videos on the internet.
Cheerleader Scouting Report:
I thought Florida’s 31 cheerleaders was a lot of cheerleaders. South Carolina laughs at having just 31 cheerleaders. If you don’t have half a hundred cheerleaders don’t even step to South Carolina. While their ladies look very lovely, I’m pretty sure I see some chinstrap beards in the top row. Chinstrap beards are the slightly more tolerable version of their little brother, the line beard. But you don’t want to hang out with either one. Chinstrap and line beard’s parents smoke in the car with the windows up.
So so. They are 555-542-44 all time. They won the SEC East in 2010 and are 55-35 under The Ole Ball Coach in eight seasons. They were also coached by the slobbering mess known as Lou Holtz, who is now on ESPN saying things like “Lecks shtalk de-phents.” However, the only thing that matters to me about South Carolina’s football history is Steve Taneyhill’s mullet.
Stephen Orr Spurrier- Love him or hate him, Spurrier can flat out coach. He won six SEC titles at Florida along with the 1996 National Championship. He is 201-75-2 all time for a .727 winning percentage. And he is one of the most amazing quotes you can find. Most coaches will not come out the week of a game and say they are better than the team they are playing that week. Most coaches are not Steve Spurrier. While meeting with the media this week, he said “I think we are better than them, but if we don’t play better than them, they can certainly beat us.” He then added “Grass is green and Stephen Garcia can’t follow rules.” Umm, duh Steve.
Contrary to popular belief, Jadeveon Clowney did not play Sanka in “Cool Runnings” nor was he ever involved with the Jamaican bobsled team. However, he has been known to kneel over opposing quarterbacks after a vicious sack and ask “Ya dead, mon?” Max Smith might want to put a lucky egg in his helmet on Saturday.
Lattimore has returned from injury to score six touchdowns this season and is averaging 4.6 yards per carry. Despite looking like Omar Little from The Wire, Marcus Lattimore does not carry around a sawed off shotgun (that I know of). He does rob defenses of yardage, much like Omar robs drug dealers. There has been many a safety left being the cheese who stands alone, attempting to take down this very powerful man.
1.) A football game will be played.
2.) Students WILL be there.
While we have always struggled to win football games, we have always held our own at the tailgate. I expect this Saturday to be no different despite the hand smack issued by UK’s President yesterday. College students have been finding ways around the rules since the first syllabus was ever given out. This Saturday will be no different. Just keep the funnels away from your rear ends.
I hold out hope each week that this will be the week UK football pulls off the upset they seem to pull off every year or two. Why can’t this week be the week? Sure, they drubbed us in Williams Brice last year. But keep in mind as far as the last game played at Commonwealth goes, UK is 1-0. “IN YOUR FACE, SPURRIER!! IN YOUR FACE!!” (:29 sec. mark)