Mosley, a KSR founding father, once had a feature entitled “Know Your Enemy” in order for UK fans to be fully informed about their next opponent. While Mosley has moved on to bigger and better things, our enemies continue to be part of our life. I want to keep us prepared on a weekly basis.
“Tis best to weigh the enemy more mighty than he seems.” -Bill Shakespeare
The Cats sit 1-1 on the year, and are coming off a big win over Kent State 2 weeks ago. They didn’t play last week, which was weird. But two weeks to prepare for a perennial power can do nothing but help them. I’m not sure how they managed to get an extra off week this year, but we’ll take it. This week they travel to Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, better known as The Swamp, where their record has been dismal. They play in The Swamp about like Billy Gillispie deals with stress or Rick Pitino makes romantic decisions; Not well.
Regardless, let’s get prepared. Ladies and Gentlemen, I invite you to Know Your Enemy: The Florida Gators.
The University of Florida is located in Gainesville, a city in the state of Florida. It is inland, making it less cool than places like Destin, Panama City, and Miami. When it comes to vacation destinations in Florida, Gainesville is not one.
It is a typical SEC college town. It has a academic buildings, a strip of bars, crappy hotels, and people that don’t care about basketball. In 2009, they passed an ordinance restricting soup kitchens to serving only 130 meals per day. I’m not sure where their football team eats pre-game meals now.
Erin Andrews- Erin Andrews recently left ESPN for Fox. Everyone knows Erin Andrews when you see her. Everyone except my friend Ryan.
Quick story that will end up being longer than I want it to be: Ryan and I were in Louisville on Derby weekend two years ago. He was working on a country music tour. When bands are on tour they often use local hotels to shower. He was going to the Galt House to get cleaned up, so I decided to go with him. As soon as we walked in I saw Erin Andrews. She was headed to the elevator. Ryan had to get on the elevator to go up to the top floor workout room to shower, so we were also headed to the elevator. We got on the elevator as Erin and her assistant followed us on. As the doors closed I literally COULD NOT BREATH, much less speak. I thought “Be cool. You’ve got to get a picture with her but you’ve got to be cool. At this point she’s probably uneasy in hotels.”
It was at this point the unthinkable happened. She turned around and began speaking to us. She said to Ryan, “Do I know you? You look familiar.” He says “I work for Justin Moore, have you been to a show?” I wanted to scream at him. “OF COURSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHO JUSTIN MOORE IS!! NOT TO MENTION SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE!”
After a couple floors I’ve tried to speak three times without words coming out of my mouth. (I don’t normally get like that, but this woman is STUNNING in person.) As we got to their floor I finally got the words out. “Hey, can I get a picture with you?” (Or something like that. I think I blacked out when I started speaking.) She said “Yeah, you guys just get off with us here on our floor for a minute.” Ummmm. Okay. Twist my arm. I took the above picture with her, yet it still did not tip Ryan off to the fact that she might be famous. After some small talk I don’t remember, Erin looked at me and said these words; “You aren’t handling this very well, are you?” She was right. I wasn’t.
We parted ways and that is my story about meeting Erin Andrews.
Note: When we got back on the elevator, I yelled at Ryan for 5 minutes. Because he hadn’t known who she was, he played it cool and made me look like an idiot.
Timothy Richard Tebow- Thanks to ESPN, I can’t tell you anything you don’t already know about Tim Tebow. You literally know everything. Did you know he goes on mission trips to foreign lands to circumcise children? OF COURSE YOU DID. Did you know he has an unorthodox throwing motion? OF COURSE YOU DID. Did you know he is running as an independent candidate in the 2012 Presidential Election? He’s not, but would it be unbelievable?
Wendy Thomas- If there is one thing I love, it’s a ginger. If there are two things I love, it’s a ginger and a spicy chicken sandwich. As the namesake of Wendy’s restaurants, Wendy has recently been taking more of a role in the company since her father Dave passed away. I hate Florida, but I love Frosty’s. They are delicious.
Cheerleader Scouting Report:
Florida has 31 cheerleaders. Don’t believe me? Go to their website and count them. I don’t mean they have 31 cheerleaders including their dance team and mascots. I mean they have 31 individuals who call themselves actual “Cheerleaders.” Doesn’t that seem excessive? I don’t know anything about cheerleading, but in high school we had around 12. I haven’t seen this many cheerleaders since the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders had that terrible reality show called “Making the Team” on CMT. Not that I watched it or anything.
Better than most. They’ve won 3 National Championships (1996, 2006, 2008) and 8 SEC titles. They have an all-time winning percentage of .631. That’s pretty good, I guess.
William Larry Muschamp- Muschamp, pictured here with what I assume is a bad case of constipation, has been the Head Coach at Florida since 2011. He was a walk-on safety at Georgia from ’91-’94 and this is his 9th coaching stop since starting as a grad assistant at Auburn in 1995. This is his first head coaching job. From what I’ve seen, he yells a lot and is generally passionate about what he is doing. He was one of the first ever “Head Coaches in Waiting” at Texas. As we’ve seen, that always works out well.
#6 plays quarterback. His name is Jeff.
#24 is named Matt Jones. He won’t play. He has lingering complications from blisters acquired at The Calipari Fantasy Experience.
#8 is a guy named Trey Burton. He spent so much time in the end zone when UK played Florida two years ago that he placed residence there. He had DVR, a microwave, and silverware.
As always, to win this game UK must score the most points. Easier said than done. UK has been outscored 94 to 3 in the first quarter of the last four games combined against Florida. That is 23.5 to .75 per first quarter. The spread is 24.5. My cousin Vinny thinks Florida will have dead legs and UK will cover the spread. I think Florida could have prosthetic legs and cover the spread. I want to pick Kentucky for the upset, but I’ve done that the past four years and it hasn’t worked out. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me five times, take me somewhere to live where people feed and bathe me.
Drew is more confident than I am. I don’t like our chances, but I’ll be watching on ESPN2 and cheering my butt off for the Cats Saturday at 12:21 p.m. If you are making the trip, you are the truest of true fans. Be sure and check out The Swamp (a bar on the strip) on Friday night and Gator City to watch other games after our game on Saturday. Also, be on the lookout for these guys…
Update: I’m an idiot. The game is not on ESPN2. It is on the SEC Network or ESPN3. I apologize for any inconvenience this has caused you on your Friday night.