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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Know Your Enemy: Tennessee Volunteers Basketball

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(Based on the above picture I should have labeled this post NSFW. Oh well)

Implications and Ramifications abound as the Cats take on the hound dogs guys dressed up like Davy Crockett Volunteers? in Knoxville this Saturday. First place in the mighty Southeastern Conference is at stake and the Vols come into the game wearing the albatross of a lame duck (that entire metaphor was “fowl”! I’m funnier than David Brinkley!) #1 ranking and having recently lost at Vandy’s place which I have become convinced is a vortex into another universe where Vanderbilt is the greatest team ever.

The Cats have won 9 of 10 behind an amazing turnaround orchetrated by the most wily man in the business, the ever-shrewd Bill Gillispie, Esq. Gillispie continues to use smoke and mirrors to dazzle opponents and win games that a team with this roster just should not win. Beating the Vols, in my opinion, would ensure a spot in the Dance and would give the Cats the inside track on the 1 seed in the SEC Tournament. A win for the Vols pretty much seals an outright SEC title for them and keeps the hopes of a 1 seed alive for the Large Tournament. “Today still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem. If no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire, Know Your Enemy.”

Location

Knoxville is the third largest city in the state of Tennessee (presumably behind Halls and Franklin) and takes its name from Revolutionary War hero and first Secretary of War, Henry Knox. In fact, Knox is so revered by the Vol faithful that Fulmer chose to sculpt his body much in the same way as Hank Knox. Knoxville was also once known as the Underwear Capital of the World thanks to its numerous clothing factories that operated during the thirties. Here’s hoping that the Cats can deposit another skid mark on the city with a devestating victory this Saturday. Extra: State slogan is: Tennesseein’ is Tennebelievin’

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They really do bear a striking resemblance

Notable Alumni

While there are some pleasant surprises (Kurt Vonnegut, Alex Haley, and Dixie Carter), the awful far outweighs the good as evidenced by 60 year old ADHD victim Woody Paige, banned sprinter Justin Gatlin, former running (sniff) back (sniff) and convicted felon Jamal Lewis, and Desperate Housewives middle-aged heartthrob James Denton. Another surprise is the very few number of country music singers listed. The only one I can find is Deana Carter and her biggest hit was “Did I Shave My Legs for This”. Wow.

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Cheerleader Scouting Report

Well, they pass the “30 yards away” test otherwise known as “collective hotness” or “distance attractiveness”. Unfortunately, this is the closest team picture we can find. Rest assured, I have looked at the girls personal profiles (and stood outside their dorm rooms in the pouring rain) and can assure you that these She-Vols do just fine. I do find it odd, however, that the nicest spot for a team picture on UT’s campus include a storm drain and a curb that hasn’t been painted in nigh on ten years.

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Basketball History
Been a long day here trying to get this out, but now I’ve just learned that Patrick Patterson is out for the remainder of the season and I’m too depressed to go on. UT’s history involved the Ernie and Bernie Show, Ray Mears at some point, Isaiah Victor picking the Vols over the Cats, and C.J. Black and Charles Hathaway playing for 7 years. They haven’t won the SEC outright in 40-some odd years (macon_volfan can fill in the blanks very happily) and prior to…well, now, have never been ranked number one.

Players

Again, UT leads the league in points and Smiths. An underreported fact is that Bruce Pearl’s son plays for UT, although I would guess that he’ll get a “certificate of participation” rather than a “letter” at year’s end because I have never seen him on the floor. Also, from the looks of it, to be on Tennessee’s basketball team, you have to do a 5-minute set at a 1980’s comedy club. Thank you, thank you, be sure to tip your waitress.

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So what is the deal with airline peanuts? I mean, who are they trying to keep out of these things?

Airtight Predictions
Gloom. Doom. Before your descent into the abyss is complete, tell your family to keep the sleeping pills and Xanax’s away from you until you get over this Patrick Patterson thing. I keep trying not to be pessimistic but, sigh…. Maybe, just maybe, this will be like when Lou Gehrig took over for Wally Pipp and became a world-renowned star. Jared Carter, think you can play in 2,130 consecutive basketball games?

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This is not Patrick Patterson

Summary
I still think the Cats win, but by a razor-thin margin of only 18 points. I know, I know, but they don’t have Patrick for this game and it is in Knoxville, so it’s possible the Vols could keep it under 20. Anywho, let’s all pray for the miracle and hope that we still have enough combined firepower from Purry, A.J., and Jared to beat South Carolina and Florida. One can hope and, on the bright side, we still have Coach Gillispie. Go Cats.

Article written by Mosley