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Know Your Enemy: South Carolina Gamecocks

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So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles. —The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously)

Yikes! I am running out of time to get this thing posted and haven’t had the capacity to devote to KYE this week due to the economic meltdown that I’m trying to stave off. And, of course, the Bush Administration and the Congress have come running to me to fix this whole money mess thing, so I’ve been a bit preoccupied. Now I could have solved the thing a week or two ago, but I told Dubya, Nancy P., and Hank Reid that I had to get Know Your Enemy locked and loaded so our Cats would have a chance to destroy the Big Red Elephants down in Tuscaloosa. Nance and Hank liked this idea for some reason, and, despite the Prez’s protestations, I proceeded to fulfill my blog requirements. However, I will admit that I was a bit distracted with everything going on in the world (Dancing with the Stars is in full “swing”, after all–pun sooooo intended) last week and failed to give my best efforts. As a result, our Troubadors of Truth went down to Tuscaloosa and displayed much heart and resiliency against the steroid-taking, test-cheating, out-of-the-carton-milk-drinking Crimson Tide in a hard-fought loss. I accept this blame, but will endeavor to do better next time. This financial mess won’t be cleared up until after I get my welding certification, so in the meantime we all are going to have to make some sacrifices. Mine, you ask? Instead of wasting money and precious carbon on a new post, I am going to cinch up our collective belt a little and recycle last year’s South Carolina KYE. My effort against Bama got us beaten, but I am so confident that Richard Brooks will outfox the un-fox-outable one that I am comfortable with the post you see below. Cats go to 5-1 and position themselves to get back in the national title hunt. After all, LSU won the title last year and had like 5 losses. Streaks on the china, never mattered before, who cares. When you dropped kicked your jacket, as you came through the door, no one glared…at Know Your Enemy.

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Location

The University of South Carolina is located in the state capital of Columbia–one of only 3 state capitals appearing on the SEC schedule, which I find strangely interesting. The University itself is more than 200 years old, and actually ceased operations during the Civil War due to a lack of students. In the 30 years or so since the War, South Carolina has tried mightily to regain its former position of being the “flagship” university of the state. That’s not an especially difficult task as its only competition is from Clemson University, which I have learned must be pronounced with a “p” in the middle by all natives for some reason (CLEMPSON). The oldest building and center of campus appears to be The Horseshoe although this would seem more appropriate on UK’s campus than USC’s. The nickname “Gamecocks” has always struck me as odd as it doesn’t just name an animal, but an illegal activity in which said animal is involved. The University’s explanation goes like this: “A gamecock, of course, is a fighting rooster known for its spirit and courage.” Those are strange words to describe a chicken who is made to fight another chicken by its owner. Spirit and courage? Really? “That’s perverse”–Frank Costanza.

Notable Alumni

Aside from such political luminaries as Andy Card, Lindsey Graham, and Renaldo Balkman, Carolina’s most famous alum would appear to be none other than Leeza Gibbons. You remember Leeza as being the perky co-host of Entertainment Tonight through much of the nineties as she would attempt to have interesting interviews with ambivalent celebrities. Each of these resulted in failure. She then went on to host a talk show that proved to be just as interesting and popular as “The Tony Danza Show”, “The Tempest Bledsoe Show”, and the “Larry Hagman Show” (later renamed “Dallas”). Leeza most recently appeared on “Dancing with the Stars” where she was one of the few “celebrities” that an average person would have a chance at recognizing as a celebrity. Once again folks, this is the best that our competition can do in terms of graduates. Pity them. And now let’s go to Mary Hart who caught up with Christian Slater to discuss his reaction the the Cheerleader Scouting Report.

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Renaldo Balkman

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Cheerleader Scouting Report

For the second week in a row, we struggle to find a team picture. I found one, but it’s informal and one cheerleader is even wearing a hat–frustrating indeed. However, I have gone the extra mile and have inspected the individual head shots of the USC cheerleaders to better prepare you for today’s game. All in all, a pretty good collection of ladies, although the stars appear to be Jenna Desavino and Claire Fox. Expect Raycom to focus on these two 8-9 times each as we return from timeouts. Poor Katie Kelly is rockin’ bangs, so there are some weak points in the lineup.

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Football History

As previously discussed, South Carolina’s football history is not quite as good as even they believe. USC’s first season was in 1892 where they were blistered 44-0 by Furman and its first victory came only three years later in 1895. It would be only 100 years between the ‘Cocks first victory and their first bowl victory as USC won the Carquest Bowl in 1995. Wait, did they really not win a bowl game until 1995? In no way can this be described as a successful program. Kentucky has a richer football tradition and that’s not a compliment to UK. Speaking of which, Kentucky and the ‘Cocks first hooked up in 1937 with the Cats (of course) coming away with a 27-7 victory in Lexington. The Bantee Roosters do, however, hold the all-time series lead at 11-6-1.

Players

A lot of possibilities here. One player not to look out for is Coach Spurrier’s son, Scott Spurrier. Ol’ Scott stands 5’4 and weighs in at 154 and the media guide proclaims that the sophomore, “could see game time as a holder on placements”. Gut feeling here is that Scott sees the field about as much as Leeza Gibbons, ’cause Daddy loves winnin’ more than he does family. Other players to dislike include walk-on tight end Foxy Foxworth (real name “Eugene”), junior cornerback Stoney Woodson (real name “Stoney Ray”), and Captain Munnerlyn (real name “Captain”). Stoney and Captain are the two fastest Gamecocks according to 40 times, so it’s safe to say that a ridiculous first name makes you faster, hence Dicky Lyons, Jr.’s 3.9 speed (it’s science).

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Stoney and…

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the Cap’n

Airtight Predictions

The game will be closer than the score indicates. The final score will be 67-15, but it will seem like it should have been 61-19. Cats march on to 6-0 and Bobby Petrino will really question whether he wants to play the Cats and risk maiming his entire team. In a fun twist akin to Rocky surprising Apollo Creed by fighting right-handed, the Cats will lead-off the game with DLJ at quarterback and Hartline at receiver. To no one’s surprise they hook up on the second play of the game for a 54-yard touchdown strike. As things get ridiculous towards the end, Corey Peters is inserted at fullback and South Carolina’s linebackers refuse to play the remainder of the game citing Peters’ reckless hitting ability. Kentucky bravely doesn’t blink and goes on to score on the next play against a South Carolina defense of only 8 players. The game will be well in hand by halftime and instead of a stirring speech, Coach Richie will require the team to take a 10 minute halftime nap so that they will be rested enough for the following week and can devote more time to their studies. Also, Cocky the mascot will continue to be the best mascot in the SEC.

Summary

Amazingly, you now probably know less about South Carolina than you did before you started reading this–I never claimed to be informative. Incredibly handsome? Yes. Informative, articulate, intelligent? I claim none of these. Anywho, feel free to employ the dark arts as you seek to hex The Ol’ Ball Visor Coach and his team and sit back and enjoy the Wildcats continue their utter domination of all things football. Go Cats!

Tomlin: Not bad, but you lost me in parts. For starters, that’s not a picture of Renaldo Balkman. You should do some research first. Also, I don’t understand why there is a picture of Cap’n Crunch in there. Overall, a solid effort, but I think if you want to make it into the next round, you’re going to need to bring it strong next time. Good luck… What? This isn’t…This guy already writes for the site? What contest did he win? Alright. Never mind, I guess.

Article written by Mosley