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Know Your Enemy: San Diego Toreros

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So this is the Know Your Enemy: Cliff Notes Edition. Thanks to my traveling back home for Jesus Day, I was unable to fulfill my duties as author of this week’s column. Tara Connor had been named 1st runner-up for this position, but she was incapacitated courtesy of some vodka and a fistful of Ambien. As a result, I have been instructed to belatedly provide Know Your Enemy due to the potential outcry of my fans (basically my parents and a one-armed drifter named Curtis that hides in my bushes and can’t respect a restraining order).

I was actually very much entertained by the last game versus the Tennessee Technicals as we got to see some of the young’uns get out on the floor and prove their mettle. That was the best effort I have seen from a Cats Team in nigh on 5 year. However, I haven’t seen seniors treated in such a cavalier fashion since my last trip to the local nursing home. This week we see the Cats take on the San Diego Toreros–wait…Toreros? Wasn’t that the name of the mascot for the high school in “Bring It On”?…not that I’ve watched that movie…or that I often employ “spirit fingers” in business presentations. San Diego has a lot to make fun of beginning with the fact that their logo looks like a gay cowboy making up a bed and ending with the fact that they play their games in the Jenny Craig Coliseum (I bet recruits dig that). Well, anyway, the rest will be shorter than W.H. Harrison’s Presidency, so my apologies to Mom, Dad, and Curtis–I will try to do better next week.

Location

I can’t add anything here, because anyone who has seen “Anchorman” already know everything about the history of San Diego:

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale’s [lady parts] (blasted Michael Powell).
Veronica Corningstone: No, there’s no way that’s correct.
Ron Burgundy: I’m sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don’t know what it means. I’ll be honest, I don’t think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn’t it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that’s – that’s what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.

Was that a shameless copy and paste? In a word…yes.

Notable Alumni

Apparently, San Diego excels in professional basketball mediocrity as evidenced by the following list of alums: awful former (maybe current, don’t care) coach of the Sacramento Kings, Eric Musselman, former Charlotte Bobcats, et. al head coach and perennial loser Bernie Bickerstaff (native of Harlan County, KY), and current Cleveland Cavs coach, Mike Brown, who has worked hard to turn his NBA Finals team into a playoff-misser this season.

Cheerleader Scouting Report

Very nice. As has been demonstrated by other teams from warmer climes, the spirit gals tend to be well-tanned and attractive.

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Basketball History

I don’t know, but it can’t be particularly storied or I would have already heard about them, so let’s just say that their basketball accolades are fewer than Kentucky’s and call it a day. Deal?

Players

Gyno Pomare is a 6’8 junior center. Gyno was not born in a different country where his first name means something uplifting like “Heaven’s Breath” or anything. His moms and pops are Leo and Gail Pomare from Oceanside, CA. That’s why it’s inexplicable as to why they would choose to name their baby boy G-Y-N-O.

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Airtight Predictions

The non-Irish kid with the very Irish name goes for 24 and 12 against the Toreroroesres and both Ramel and Joe go and totally redeem themselves by trading the Mutts’ Cuts van to a kid back in town for a petroleum efficient “hog” straight up. Mark Coury will continue to start…and also continue to play fewer minutes than Dusty Mills.

Summary

As I been screaming for the last few weeks, look for progress from this group of Cats in gauging whether they are success or not. See you at the Music City Bowl!!!! Go Cats.

Article written by Mosley