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Know Your Enemy: Ouachita Baptist University Tigers

So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles. —The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously)

Wait, what? Really? You mean it’s really time for basketball season!? We really get to start watching REAL games now? Oh, this one’s not real? No matter, they’ll be real soon enough, so we might as well start enjoying them in what the experts call the “pre-season”.

Yes, dear readers, while football is fast becoming more and more notable in this here Commonwealth, there’s just something about Kentuckians and basketball that go together like Tara Reid and horrible plastic surgery or carrots and waffles. We’ve all been discussing the upcoming season for months in barber shops and NAPA stores from Mouthcard to Mayfield and burning questions concerning new uniforms, healed injuries, and what exactly constitutes an afro have been tossed around ad infinitum. And while a rising wave of hope is beginning to crest in the minds of Cat fans worldwide, it has largely been based on but a few public outings. Can the optimism that our citizens harbor be sustained? Will new stars emerge before our very eyes? Will the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder meet their end at the hands of the fiendish Penguin? These questions and many more will be answered tonight as Kentucky’s G-Men take on the Oh-wah-cheatah, Oh-wah-cheatah, I can’t stop this feeling deep inside of me, girl you just don’t realize what you do to me, when you hold me, in your arms so tight, you let me know everything’s all right…I-I-I-I-I (pause for two beats) Hooked on Feeling! Baptist Tigers. If you got that reference, great for you, and be advised that me and my Blue Swede tribute band will be playing at the Broke Spoke in Hazard tonight. Set in my ways, losing track of the days…it was you and me and then came you and then Know Your Enemy! Little more difficult this week. Buena Suerte!

Location:

So it looks like I made the above play on Ouachita’s name based on a mistaken pronunciation. The correct way to say Ouachita is ‘WASH-uh-tah”, and the correct way to say Baptist is, well, Baptist. The school is located in Arkadelphia, Arkansas and the city was apparently named in honor of the locals’ mistaken belief that Noah and his cruise ship actually came to rest in Philadephia. Arky-town is also located between Little Rock and Texarkana, so you can be sure that the Bandit has at least passed through the town of 11,000 a time or two. Wal-Mart’s global headquarters is in nearby Benton, and “Ouachita” is alledgedly a Cotto Indian word meaning “eastern boundary of the nation”, but I choose to believe it actually means “Always low prices. Always”.


The local Wal-Mart in Ouachita

Notable Alumni

We’ve already made fun of Mike Huckabee’s “Jared from Subway” impression, so we’ll move on to Ouachita alumnae, Susan McDougal. Old Suse and husband Jim were at the center (OK, so Bill and Hillary Clinton were really at the center) of the Whitewater Real Estate Scandal that blew up in the ’90s. I don’t have the space to recount what happened, but McDougal refused to testify in front of the Whitewater Grand Jury and ultimately was sentenced to 18 months in prison for contempt of court. She was granted a full presidential pardon in Bill Clinton’s final days as president. So Mike Huckabee and Susan McDougal. Those are really the only two you would recognize.

Cheerleader Scouting Report


Surprisingly not bad, save for a few. I say surprisingly, because when it comes to small, liberal arts colleges, the cheerleaders are typically not all that great. Trust me.

Basketball History

None to speak of. They are DII and they haven’t posted their 08-09 media guide on the web site yet. I like UK’s chances.

Players

The roster reads like the cast list for Walking Tall: Rowan Ledbetter, Belford Williams, Jr., Zane Thigpen, Ed Keyes, and Okie Benjamin. I hope the Cats remember to bring their 2×4 repellant, cause by the sound of those names, things could “git awfully fis-cal round here”.

Airtight Predictions

Jodie fo’ fo-die, Pat with a double-dub. Harrelson will laugh and display his pearly whites at some point during the contest. Ramon Harris will be asked which basketball previews he reads to stay on top of the college basketball scene to which he will answer, “All of ‘um. Yeah, I mean just cause we’re up in Alaska doesn’t mean we don’t get college basketball previews.” Perry Stevenson will continue to be thin, and all the girls will incessantly scream, “GIVE US KREBS, GIVE US KREBS!” Oh yeah, and Kentucky wins 651-8. Math not adding up, eh? Uh, then Landon Slone scores 450 points. There you go, it’s all wrapped up in a neat little package.

Summary

I will be in attendance tonight (good Lord willing) and will, of course, be speaking to the team beforehand to go over this scouting report one last time. However, I’ll be sure to tell them you said “hi” and will regale them with a medley of Herman’s Hermits’ songs while they drink their pre-game lattes. Go Cats.

Article written by Mosley