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Know Your Enemy: Norfolk State University

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So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles—The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously)

Take that Louisville! Aided by a strong defense and an even more stronger-er scouting report courtesy of Know Your Enemy, our beloved blue-clad Romans took their first step toward an undefeated season and national championship this Sunday past. And I got to see it all live as I was in attendance along with Matthew H. JOnesbama, Turkleton J. Hunter, and the beautiful and talented Hubby at filthy Father John’s Pizza Stand, where we sat in the rafters and I managed to get 3rd degree forehead burns due to Louisville’s proximity to the equator. The flow of the game was pretty stale up until the fourth quarter, so I’ll briefly run down what the four of us did to entertain ourselves through quarters 1-3:

-Matt made it a point to very loudly “BOO!” anytime a little kid was shown on the field decked out in red.
-Turkey Hunter managed, amazingly, to find several opportunities to make very inappropriate jokes about New Orleans, hurricanes and Joran Van der Sloot.
-Hubby was inexplicably gone for a good part of the second quarter, all of halftime, and parts of the third before finally returning to take a “power nap” prior to the start of the fourth. The most likely theory as to his whereabouts thus far is that he slipped into another dimension. That or he was some combination of drinking/passed out/giggling.
-I managed to find time to complete yet another novel (available in stores Oct. 16), find some buried treasure, and secure the Libertarian Party’s nomination for president (suck it, Bob Barr).

Then the fourth began and it was a roaring good time for all as Myron Prior turned in a performance that was exactly the opposite of Usain Bolt’s. At game’s end, we poured out of the stadium, soaking up the dejection of Louisville fans like so much gravy with a well-browned biscuit.

But all of that is now in the past and is no longer accessible to us except through the miracle of video and/or flux capacitors (1.21 gigawatts of power). Therefore, Grandpappy Brooks and the lads must now focus their steely resolve on a Norfolk State squad that is coming off of a big? win against something called Virginia State 47-7. While that’s all well and good, their reward for such a victory is that they must now tangle with the wily and handsome Brooks and his fierce Wildcats. Surf dudes with attitudes, kinda groovy, laid-back moves. Sky above, sand below, good vibrations, feelin’ mellow. Won’t give it up…don’t want to stop…reading Know Your Enemy. As always, ten points if you know.

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What’s the difference between U of L and a homeless, meth-addicted, child pornographer? Lipstick.

Location

Norfolk State University must be the Herschel Walker of higher education because it has had a bit of an identity crisis over the last few years as evidenced by the following official names it has worn: Norfolk State Unit of Virginia Union University, Norfolk Polytechnic College, Virginia State College, and Norfolk State College. Norfolk State University is the official name for now, although there are rumors it may soon change again to Norfolk Ocho Cinco. Allegedly, Norfolk is actually a pretty cool town with quite a few things to do. I say allegedly because all I know of Norfolk comes from my buddy Joey Morgan who was stationed there (Navy), although he is so optimistic, he would find a way to enjoy Compton dressed in the team colors of the Houston Texans.

Notable Alumni

Although it was suggested that I profile Tim Reid from “WKRP” and “Sister, Sister” (yes, Venus Flytrap became the dad on the sugary sweet ABC staple starring the Mowry twins), we actually don’t profile folks we like in this section. If we were to do that, we would surely mention that Norfolk State produced the coach off which Denzel Washington’s character was based in “Remember the Titans”. Therefore, we are left with Vincent Brothers. Vince is listed in the “Alumni” section of Norfolk State’s Wikipedia page with the descriptor, “Convicted Mass Murderer”. I could go into further detail, but just reading about it ensured that my regular dream of two stray dogs fighting over a pork chop will be replaced with nightmares. Vince is currently on death row, so I think it’s fair to say that this is an accurate representation of what Norfolk State produces graduate-wise.

Cheerleader Scouting Report

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So either NSU’s cheerfollowers (see what I did there, I…never mind) are incredibly tiny, or the one male cheerleader they have is 9 feet tall. I like to think it is the latter and that this giant cheerleader constantly gets asked if he plays basketball, to which he replies, “No, I participate in cheerleading. I also enjoy puzzles.” OK, so in reviewing the picture, it looks like just the one to his left (from his point-of-view) is Lilliputian in size. In fact, the one chick two to his left (from the point-of-view of the person taking the picture) looks like she has a profound caboose. All in all, they don’t quite match up to Louisville, but I have seen a lot worse from smaller schools whom the Cats play.

Football History

Essentially, the Spartans began play in 1938, they have an overall record of 300-299-14, and, in what’s perhaps the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, they hold an all-time losing record to Booker T. Washington High School (1-2). No, I’m being completely serious. The only championship success that I can find is that they won the CIAA championship in 1984. The CIAA, of course, includes such teams as…

Coaching Staff

Sure, we could spend time on Pete Adrian and his woeful record (OK, fine, he was the MEAC coach of the year last year. The MEAC, of course, includes such teams as…), but all you really need to know is that the Assistant Head Coach/Offensive Line Coach has the following name: Rod Holder. That is all.

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I DO NOT recommend trying to find a picture of the assistant head coach via google images. I think I’m facing disciplinary action now.

Players

Two to know: Quarterback Dennis Brown was the backup at UConn a couple of years ago, so you know he’s…something, although I doubt it’s “good at football”. Also, Deangelo Branche is the leading rusher who sat out last year to “focus on academics” and lists “interdisciplinary studies” as his major. We all know this is code for, “I’m here to play football, get that book away from me”. However, Deangelo does garner some credit for having his last name tattooed on his stomach (Thanks, MySpace). I tried to have the same thing done (the last name “Branche” on my stomach), but my abs were so strong, the needle kept breaking and I ended up owing the tattoo guy forty bucks in new needles.

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This is not a picture of Deangelo Branche poring over his studies

Airtight Predictions

Cats play Athenians to the Spartans’ Spartans. No wait, turns out the Athenians were defeated by the Spartans in the Peloponnesian War, so forget that analogy. Instead, Cats play whoever defeated the Spartans in some war to the Spartans’ Spartans. Much better. By my estimation, DLJ had under 400 yards for the first time in his career against the redbirds and will seek to avenge this sub-par performance by rigging a bet with Michael Hartline that will force Hartline to throw to DLJ on every play. Hartline will also be forced to wear a frilly dress. Game is well in hand at the 13:00 mark of the first quarter as the Cats will lead at that point by 86 points. This allows Myron Prior to get some work in as a kick returner and returns the first kickoff he sees for a touchdown. His kick return lasts 7 minutes, 20 seconds. Also, Micah Johnson will bite off someone’s ear. Cats roll 165-3 (NSU has more offensive firepower than UofL), keeping their national championship hopes alive.

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What’s weird is that I got this same merit badge when I was a cub scout

Summary

If you wait to get tickets after kickoff, you’re going to miss the only interesting part of this game. We’ll all be there, so feel free to admire me from afar, but feel free to approach Matt and pull his hair for good luck. If you’re in Lexington, don’t just watch the game, GO to the game and help make Commonwealth louder than a Rip Taylor shirt/blouse. By the way, if the picture of Sarah Palin wasn’t enough to turn the comments section into a mindless political debate that doesn’t influence anyone at all…Obama is an elitist, McCain is really old, and Biden has hair plugs. There, that should ensure that you spend your time needlessly debating instead of discussing how talented/good looking that I am. Enjoy. Go Cats.

Article written by Mosley