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Know Your Enemy: Mississippi State Bulldogs

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So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles. —The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously)

Mr. Burns: Honestly, Smithers, I don’t know why [Florida] even bothers to
show up. They barely even won.

Smithers: Their cheating was even more rampant than last year, sir.

Fine, so Florida came into Lexington and combined ground and air assaults in such a way that even Ike Eisenhower would be impressed. We could sit around all day and talk about what methods of cheating Florida used to win, but that would get us nowhere (although I theorize it involves Fidel Castro and the Japanese Mafia). No, we must reflect on all the good that came our way last week and forge ahead with a new resolve and with the knowledge that Ricardo S. Brooks will have the unstoppable Wildfelines prepared for whatever may come their way–including offensive tackles that use crowbars on the legs of our D-lineman like Florida’s O-line did…or so I heard.

If you’re bummed about this past week due to the game, you must cheer up and be gay again (unless you’re bummed about the breakup of Simply Red–that’s justified). Just think, in the past week UK has been rated in the BCS standings, has enjoyed hype as the biggest college football game of the weekend, had Kirk Herbstreit’s orange face and frosty tips on campus in the form of College Gameday, and fought valiantly against a well-rested and well-prepared Panzer Tebow and the Meyer Luftwaffe (I’m in a WWII mood today). We should be pleased that we got to be a big-time football program for a week and should rest well with the knowledge that UK won’t lose another football game, not just this year, but EVER.

So that’s the context in which we must face Sly-vester Croom and his Bulldogs of Doom (Lord Byron and Li’l Wayne are both jealous of my rhyming abilities) this Saturday morning on Jefferson Pilot Sports (I know, “LF”), where a myriad of “Daves” is waiting to present the game. Is there any real reason for you to learn more about Miss. State? No. Kentucky will beat the white mustache off of the Dogs and make them long for the days of Joe Lee Dunn. Either way, I will write some more because the government says that writing this once a week counts as community service (Stupid Wal-Mart what with its lack of possum diapers–OF COURSE HE COULDN’T HOLD IT IN FOREVER, OFFICER COLLETT)

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Actually, they don’t have a shot.

Location

Starkville, Mississippi was originally named “Boardtown” due to a mill southwest of town that provided clapboards for the early shacks of the area. It was later renamed Starkville in honor of Revolutionary War Hero and former New York Knick, John Stark. In March 2006, Starkville became the first city in Mississippi to adopt a smoking ban in all indoor public places. To compensate, Jackson, MS has required all children 10 and older to smoke.

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Wonder who was more challenging? Michael Jordan or the Redcoats?

Notable Alumni

Not many. Jerry Clower (Great) and John Grisham (Awful) are the only two that are really notable for anything not sports-related. Therefore, we must go with a Miss. State Athlete. And since we generally use this portion of KYE to shame the opponent, we will go with none other than Rafael Palmeiro. Palmeiro was a professional baseball player that played at a consistent level for 15 years or better ultimately joining the very exclusive 500 Home Run Club at the Major League level. While we could speak in depth about Raffy’s accomplishments, most know Palmeiro as the guy who testified about steroids before Congress and “wagged his finger” to emphasize his words as he related that he had never used steroids, and then was promptly suspended when he tested positive for steroids less than five months later. He has since been demonized as a liar and hypocrite although most is forgiven as he has a mustache that rivals that of Richie Farmer.

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“Mississippi State will absolutely win the game.”

Cheerleader Scouting Report

Finally! Someone has come through with a photo gallery of the cheerleading and pom (dance) squads. Kudos to Mississippi State on setting the bar high for other SEC Institutions. The picture below captures both cheer and pom squads as they pose together following some football game which I’m sure they lost. A quick survey revealed 20 cheerleaders thought MSU had won, 10 thought they had lost, and 4 thought they were at a taping of “Mad About You” (There’s no extra joke to think about with the Mad About You reference–the cheerleaders are just stupid). All and all we have quite a few pretty faces, but the remainder of the photo gallery suggests that these gals would do well to engage in some Tae-Bo or something endorsed by Tony Little (TECHNIQUE!).
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Football History

Football began at MSU in 1895 with the Maroons going 0-2 to christen their football program. It would be a short six years later when the MSU football team would gain its first win. The late 1930’s and early 1940’s looked to be a time that MSU would set itself up as the premier football program in the south as it made trips to the Orange Bowl in 1937 and 1940 including an undefeated 1940. However, during the next 33 years, MSU would make only one bowl game. In total, State has participated in 12 Bowl games with half of these coming post-1993. This last statement I find to be odd–I don’t remember Mississippi State being good at any point. Maybe it’s all that mercury-laced tuna that my mother ate before I was hatched. One last nugget–MSU didn’t adopt the “Bulldogs” mascot until 1961 when Georgia was already well established as the Georgia Bulldogs. “Uh, what can we call ourselves? It hurts to think creatively. I agree. Let’s just copy Georgia’s nickname.” This is exactly how it went down.

Players

MSU has a Junior wide receiver named Co-Eric Riley. Maybe Eric is a title akin to “Captain” that Croomey hands out and this year he happened to name two “Erics”. However, we need to shift focus from Co-Eric Riley to the other Co-Eric, Michael Henig. Never mind, Henig is out with a broken collar bone. His replacement is Wesley Carroll from Parkland, Florida. I can’t imagine he’s very good considering he was backing up Michael Henig, who couldn’t play dead in a western. He does, however, look like a goofy, Irish Beethoven. Take a look and tell me I’m wrong. No other players stand out and I’m too lazy to do any more research.

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Airtight Predictions

DLJ continues to amaze, although we should all be used to it by now. I’m doing this just from memory, but I think he had 24 receptions for 456 yards last week. This week, he again feels the need to back up last year’s comments about MSU and proceeds to play both offense and defense. A pedestrian offensive performance (16 grabs for 321 yards and 9 scores) will be overshadowed by his 14 sacks playing the defensive tackle position. With 14:20 to go in the first quarter, it will already be a laugher as Tim Masthay is inserted as running back spelling the already winded Dixon and Locke (seven 90 yard touchdown runs will do that to you). Masthay then proceeds to rack up 130 yards on the ground. Kentucky ultimately calls the dogs off the Dogs and escapes with a 119-4 victory. State is so shamed that it is forced to, once again, secede from the Union (quitters).

Summary

After a hard-fought, human-growth-hormone induced loss, it will be nice for the Cats to get back to their winning ways by going all Bob Barker on the Bulldogs (Does he mean Bob Barker as in when Bob Barker fought Happy Gilmore, or is that an allusion to neutering your dog? Both, kids.) The thought here is that Kentucky wins in such convincing fashion that College Gameday will actually be on the Vanderbilt campus in a couple of weeks to again witness the majesty that is UK Football. I actually won’t be at this game as it’s my Mom’s birthday (Happy Birthday, Mom!) this weekend and I will be trekking to the LC. It also won’t be much of a game, but everyone needs to step up because my absence from Gameday would have lowered the decibel level from 112 to 64. But UK fans are trustworthy, and I feel comfortable leaving this in your hands. Go Cats. barker317.jpg

Article written by Mosley