So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles—The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously)
That’s a bloody long name you’ve got there, MTSUBR. Anywho, I’m just back from Orlando where I auditioned for a role as “Pluto” in the breakfast “cast” at Disneyworld (the yahoos that dress up as the lovable characters created by Walt Frozenhead and have breakfast with your kids for a princely sum). Well, I’m sad to say I didn’t get the part, mainly because I think that I’m too real for Disney and they can’t handle that. At least I wasn’t the guy who auditioned for Donald Duck and was told his Donald came off as “effeminate” and “racist”. For the time being, I guess I’m stuck writing for this here computer site and my dreams of acting shall have to wait; at least until I have to feign surprise when we beat Alabama.
The Cats moved to 2 and Oh! this Saturday past with a fine overall performance against that awesome band who just happened to bring their football team. Personally, I like both of our quarterbacks, but every time I hear Hartline’s name, I automatically think of the 80’s song “Heartbeat” by Miami Vice/Nash Bridge’s Don Johnson and this makes me pull for Mikey a little more (HART-LINE! I’m lookin’ for a HART-LINE!). The KSR crew had a fine day of tailgating, although the Turkey Hunter and I played cornhole like the Washington Generals and made Hubby’s performance look transcendent. While we had great fun pre-game, I was quite vexed when we got into the stadium thanks to my habit of never carrying cash and Commonwealth’s strategy of providing 2 ATM’s to serve 70,000 people. This left me without the ability to purchase water, a hot dog, or Oxycontin. But things quickly turned when the Cats got on the board and reminded me that overall, the world treats you pretty well.
Next up for Richard K. Brooks and his dreadnoughts of defense, the Middle Tenne..Blue…ders–I got tired of writing the full name. Chris Douglas-Roberts even thinks MTSU has a long name. The Ray-dahs are coming off of a big win over Maryland and their girthful coach who plays second fiddle in circumference only to Kansas’ girthful coach. While at it’s face, this seems like a good win and that MTSU might be the real deal, don’t forget to remember that Maryland plays in the ACC. Therefore, they are garbage and couldn’t beat a prisoner in shackles. So worry not your little Wildcat heads, friends, because the Cats are soon to go 3 and 0 and might not break a sweat in doing it. “…Sometimes the answer can be hard to find (hard to find), That’s something I will never be. I’m always here, for Know Your Enemy. Maybe our hardest yet–10 points.
MTSU is located in Murfreesboro, not surprisingly, in the middle of the state of Tennessee. In an odd circumstance, Murfreesboro was orginally named “Cannonsburgh” after politician Newton Cannon, but this appelation was later changed to Murfreesboro to honor revolutionary war hero, Hardy Murfree. What I don’t understand is what caused the name change. “Cannonsburgh” was founded in 1811, so why wasn’t Hardy Murfree, again a Rev. War soldier, honored then? And what do you have to do so badly that people rename a town named for you with that of someone else? Poor Newton Cannon. My guess is that this is what really happened: Cannon’s business contract with the city for naming rights just ran out and after a brief flirtation with both Nabisco and Picadilly Cafeteria, the city agreed to terms with Hardy Murfree and has been Murfreesboro ever since.
MTSU’s notable alum appears in the form of one, George S. Clinton, who is not to be confused with the orginal funkadelic, George Clinton. George S. Clinton is a composer who has scored many a film and has written many a ditty that is annoying and gets lodged in your brain. Most obvious among these is the purposefully campy Austin Powers Theme Song. Beyond this, however, Clinton has also written for many other crimes against cinema including Mortal Kombat’s 1 and 2, 3000 Miles to Graceland, Big Momma’s house 2 (apparently Big Momma’s House 1, was too “artsy” for him), FOUR movies starring Tim Allen, and last, but certainly not least, The Red Shoe Diaries.
We have to go Dance Team here. Collective hotness? Check. Individual hotness? I’m not so sure. The girl 2nd from the left in the middle looks like she can bench 300 lbs. with ease and it appears that you could serve a meal on the forehead of the little blonde one in the front row 2nd from the right.
Play began in 1911 where the team went 0-1 with their only game coming against something called “Fitzgerald and Clark”. The following year also saw only one game and it just happened to be old nemesis, Fitzgerald and Clark. This resulted in a loss, too. So, in two years, the squad played two games, losing both. How are you supposed to recruit with that. “Well, son, we expect you to practice a great deal while maintaining your studies. What is your reward? Well, you get to play a single game against Fitzgerald and Clark, but we’ll probably lose.” Since then, they’ve won the OVC 12 times and played in the 1961 Tangerine Bowl, where I really hope that the player in the left-hand corner of the program doesn’t represent Lamar Tech State’s best player, because that would make MTSU’s loss all the more appalling.
When not doing his best Patrick Sparks imitation (right down to the double-chin–he really loses himself in the character), Joe Craddock is running and throwing like a madman. Stop him and you stop the Blue Raiders. Kendall Dangerfield rarely gets respect, but I hear he was something before electricity. Defensive Lineman Wes Hofacker has a ridiculous last name (think about it), but combines that with a “cool” tribal band on his arm and a hairstyle that would make the cast of Grease jealous.
Simply, Cats dominate. DLJ gets jealous of all the attention thrown on the quarterbacks over the past week and injects himself into the controversy by completing 16 of 16 passes for 900 yards and 8 scores. On 6 of those scores, he will also be the receiver. Tim Masthay kicks the opening kickoff out of Commonwealth Stadium and into the Blue lot. Lastly, Braxton Kelly will oddly enough lead the crowd in the following chant: “I say RED SOX, you say NOMAHR! RED SOX! Red Sox! NOMAHR! Nomahr!”
So there you have it, my little pretties. Cats win big, preserve their undefeated record and national title hopes, and in so doing scare Hurricane Ike away from the continent of North America. I will be unable to attend this weekend, but I feel safe leaving the outcome of this game in the capable hands of you, the reader, so you’d better go, and you’d better cheer loud. I’ve told Hubby to take vague descriptions (names would be too hard) of anyone who doesn’t cheer their very loudest and report back to me. Anyone who’s description is on that list will be subject to 4, count ’em, 4 demerits. You’ve been warned. Go Cats.