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Know Your Enemy: Louisville Cardinals

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So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles. —The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously)

For over a year you’ve waited. No, you’ve pined. You’ve had this day marked on your calendar with a big circle around it written in Sharpie, no less. All discussions with family and friends have been dominated by it. Your dreams are invaded by it. TV news reports on it 24 hours a day. And now it’s here. It is finally here! Of course I could be referring to nothing but this week’s Know Your Enemy! HIP HIP! (now you say “HOORAY”).

This week you have seen stellar pieces written by the likes of the Intern and the Turkey Hunter in our unending quest to stoke your hatred of the Redbirds to its most white-hot-edness. Although I will at best play Tina Yothers to the Intern’s Michael J. Fox and the Turkey Hunter’s Justine Bateman, I must try to add my own remedial brand of dislike to your ever-increasing knowledge base. Without further adieu, the Scouting Report:

Location

Louisville is the state’s biggest city in terms of both area and population and is thought of as the state capital by a surprising number of non-Kentuckians who have never heard of Frankfort. Founded by Kentucky hero and line-dancing contest winner George Rogers Clark, Louisville was named after French king Louis XVI–the same Louis that would go down in history as having lost an entire empire due to his arrogance. Just keep the whole “fall from perceived grandeur” thing in mind, Cardinal fans. But I joke. I actually have no problems with the city of Louisville itself. It is a cool town with lots to do and has been the site of numerous historical events ranging from the first public viewing of Edison’s light bulb to the origination of the phrase, “That’s my Mama!”. No, my problem lies with the University of Louisville Athletic Department. Few know this, but the UofL Athletic Department is actually built on the site of an ancient Indian burial ground (1956-1963). This same site was also used for the hanging of horse-thieves, was the birthplace of Ted Bundy, and played host to “A Very Brady Christmas”. Evil incarnate, folks.

Notable Alumni

While UofL alums include both “The Dollmaker” author, Harriet Simpson Arnow, and current presidential candidate and Q-tip look-alike, Christopher Dodd, the former Cardinal that has received the most pub this past year also happens to be their most greatly accomplished alumni. By now you’ve figured out that I’m talking about Larry Birkhead. What’s that? Can’t quite place the name? You must have let your subscription to Us Weekly expire, then, my friend as paparazzi photographer Mr. Birkhead drew much attention to himself by impregnating a washed-up Playboy model 15 years past her prime and then winning a bizarre custody battle with said model’s lawyer/agent/husband through a heartwarming(?) DNA test. Cardinal fans, does that make you proud? You’re basically on par with the Maury Povich Show. Congratulations?

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Cheerleader Scouting Report

Ever wonder what Shirley Temple would look like if she went to college and became a stripper? Check out the C-leader in the front row second from left. Much like their football counterparts, this set of Cardinals is more talented than both EKU and Kent State, though they’re not as attractive as I would have expected. Most of you by now know the rather randy story about the UaVell cheerleader who had her “private” pictures stolen and then plastered on the internet. Based on this I just assumed that the squad would be a little more photogenic…and more overtly slutty.

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Football History

Louisville’s program was born in the late ’90’s when Chris Redman led the Cardinals to national prominence. While most Louisville fans believe this to be the case, Louisville football actually dates back a few years further and has even produced the likes of Johnny Unitas, Tom Jackson, Ray Buchanan, and my boy Andre Stubbins. Few Louisville fans also realize that the Cardinals were not always in the Big East as they have spent time in everything from Conference USA to the Missouri Valley Conference–a pedigree of outstanding competition to be sure. Now that you know, feel free to share this info if you happen to be cursed with a friend who is a Cardinal fan–it will blow their tiny minds.

Players

Louisville is led by golden boy Brian Brohm, although “boy” is certainly a misnomer. That is because Brohm is not human at all. He was constructed at the University of Louisville in 2000 by researchers in the Football Betterment Science Program and is, in fact, an android. The scientists were able to succesfully equip it with a arm capable of launching the football a long way with great accuracy, but unfortunately were unable to outfit it with the speed to run the forty in under a 6 flat. While it tries to compensate with a high speed processor in its brain that allows it to progress through reads quickly and make appropriate decisions, this processor can malfunction when hit repeatedly or when pressured. Brohm also uses old people’s medicine for fuel.

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Added to the Broadway show that is U of L football are such names as Mario Urrutia, Harry Douglas, Anthony Allen, and Willie Williams aka #587823334. Richard Smythington chooses to play under his Vaudeville stage name, Peanut Whitehead and Art Carmody also plays in an attempt to come out of Jackie Gleason’s shadow. Finally, Louisville’s road record is all the more impressive when you consider 26% of the team is forbidden from crossing state lines.

Airtight Predictions

I have it on good authority that Wesley Woodyard has been preparing a secret finishing move akin to the Stone Cold Stunner for the aforementioned robot of a quarterback. Woodyard calls it “Brohm’s Lullaby” and claims he will break it out at least twice on Saturday’s game. DLJ has also been taking a turn at kicking off in practice and I think this weekend he finally gets the nod, knocking three separate kickoffs into the end zone for touchbacks. He then proceeds to approach running routes with laser-like focus (induced by Ritalin) and winds up with a gentlemanly 6 touchdowns. Cats cover the over by themselves, scoring 79 points on a Cardinal defense that is in constant competition with the cheerleading squad to see who can be scored on the most, and send the Cards back to the ‘Ville with a 61 point loss.

Summary

There you have it my little parole officers. You now have more suspect information than the Warren Commission Report and you are expected to use such information to cheer on the Cats in a loud and verbose manner. Remember, hate the athletic teams, not the city or school. Also, feel free to hate the fans…and genocide…and poverty. The mighty Wildcats have much less to lose than the Cards, but if the Cats do happen to lose, it’s probably the result of some vast left or right wing conspiracy. Maybe both.

Article written by Mosley