So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles—The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously)
…and we’re back! Yes, lads and lassies, after a much needed respite from the hustle and bustle of blogolopolis (where we were quite prolific in our previews throughout both oblong ball and orange ball seasons), it is time for us to get back to our pre-game reports so that everyone can be well-prepared as we head into what promises to be yet another banner year in the land of the Wildcat.
Since we last interacted, this here computer site has grown considerably in popularity thanks to our recent acquisition by Al-Jazeera. While this has meant that our hits in both Oman and Yemen have grown by leaps and bounds, it also means that there are plenty of new readers who may not be familiar with what we try to do here at Know Your Enemy; our format, the scope, our hopes, dreams, waist size, etc. While I originally planned to explain what KYE is all about in minute detail, I soon realized that my posts are pretty elementary and are sort of self-explanatory. The only thing you truly need to know is that these posts are relied upon by the UK coaching staff to inform their game planning, and that 68% of last year’s success was attributable solely to Know Your Enemy. “Don’t know about the future, that’s anybody’s guess. Ain’t no good-ah reason for getting all depressed. Fire up your pad and pencil, I’ll give you a piece of my mind, and in my opinionation, the sun is gonna surely shine…on Know Your Enemy” (10 points if you can name it).
“now, let’s hear from Ayman Al-Zwahiri–via taped recording–about the Phillies chances in the NL East.” “I’ve got to believe that Jimmy Rollins is going to fade down the stretch. Back to you. Oh yes, Death to America. Thanks.”
State of the Program
Poor Louisville. Eddie Murphy’s post-1990 movie career even feels bad for how quickly you’ve gone from an Orange Bowl victory to being an also-ran in the worst of the major football conferences. Last year, Coach Kraggle Rock engineered a coaching miracle by motivating a top ten team to miss a bowl, then managed to parlay this “success” into a brief flirtation with the SMU head job. Seriously, SMU? Louisville, your head coach underachieved more than Bode Miller and he still had to think about whether SMU was a better job than U of L? That makes me sad. This year he returns with a cupboard stocked with players less recognizable than a medal stand is to an American badminton player and will no doubt fail miserably and saunter off into the midwest following this, his final season in Louisville.
Last year we profiled “photojournalist” and Anna-Nicole-Knocker-Upper, Larry Birkhead as being an example of the worst U of L has to offer. This year, we turn our attention to another Cardinal who has been instrumental in releasing a blight on humanity. I, of course, am referring to James Patterson, co-founder of Long John Silver’s. LJS’s is famous for bucking the whole “healthy eating” trend by insisting that everything on its menu be fried–including the beverages and ketchup. You know you’re a terrible restaurant when Captain D’s has better food and is more innovative. To this day, I cannot distinguish a LJS piece of fish from a LJS piece of chicken in appearance or taste and maintain that both are the same, unknown, mystery meat. Thanks U of L, and James, for your wretched concept of a dining establishment.
Cheerleader Scouting Report
As usual, Louisville comes to the table reppin’ some attractive ladies (it is still in the state of Kentucky, after all) and making a push to not be Li’l Sister to UK’s cheerleading dynasty. While we could say that they have no chance and should really stop trying, in reality, what they lack in looks and talent as compared to the UK squad, they more than make up for in sluttiness with their midriff-highlighting uni’s. Kudos, gals, and good luck in your future careers as ring-card girls.
So here’s what we’ve been able to determine about the redbirds coaching staff:
1. Ron English is probably an alias, and not a convincing one at that.
2. Jeff Brohm was the XFL player of the year at some point. That’s like being the least hairy Ukrainian.
3. Cornerbacks Coach Eric Lewis’ “bio highlight” is that he coached some guy to back-to-back 1st-team all MAC honors. Honestly, he’s got one highlight and that’s it. Usually, coaches are around long enough that eventually some decent player comes their way if by nothing but accident and you can put that on your resume and claim you “coached” them to their success. No such luck for Coach Lewis
4. Linebackers Coach Bill Miller’s career has been steadily going downhill. He was at his peak when he was D-coordinator for Butch Davis at Miami. Then he dropped down to being D-coordinator at Michigan State. Then he was D-coordinator at Arizona State. Then D-coordinator for only 1 year at WESTERN MICHIGAN. Now, he’s the ‘backers coach at Louisville. At this rate, he’ll be coaching D-line for Hyden Elementary in Leslie County under the watchful eye of C.J. Howard this time next year.
5. Also, O-line coach Brent Myers looks just creepy enough to own a conversion fan with no windows. I’m just sayin’.
I try to stay away from pokin’ the old fun at the expense of Kentucky-bred youngsters here, so Hunter Cantwell gets a reprieve. No such relief will come for Matt Simms, however, because while his daddy is a Kentuckian, Matty Rollemup is a Jersey, excuse me, Joisey, boy…and it shows. Simms’ exploits are well documented by other sites, so we won’t spend a lot of time on him other than to say he is currently suspended for “violating team rules” which could mean anything, but I did hear Jeff Spicoli was suspended for the same thing. How can you not love a name like Rock Keys? The Louisville roster makes no attempt to persuade you that “Rock” is anything other than his Christian name and that Keys is certainly his surname. Hey, you think if Rock Keys owned a street, they’d call it Rock Key’s Road? Get it? Rocky Road!! That joke killed so hard at the Sands in ’61 that Dean Martin had martini coming out of his nose.
DLJ is dissatisfied with his 2007 performance (~400 receptions for 13,000 yards and 81 touchdowns), and decides to lead by example by scoring early and often, including picking off a Hunter Cantwell pass in the second quarter and returning it for a touchdown. The official scorers are so impresed with his moving over to defense for a series that they award UK ten points. Hartline settles in nicely and puts up a satisfactory initial performance by passing for 523 yards and 14 TD’s. The third quarter will begin with the Cats putting all three tailbacks in the backfield at the same time. The first handoff will go to all three as they each manage to get both hands on the ball at the same time. Even running together, Louisville’s speed is no match for this three-headed juggernaut. Since gametime is 3:30, Coach Brooks will request that dinner be brought to him promptly at 4pm. It will be tomato soup. He will complain that the soup is cold and that you used to be able to get said soup for a nickel when he was a boy. All in all, the Cats humiliate the Cards again (surprise!) and their greatest challenge will be getting Cardinal blood out of their white uni’s. Final score: 126 – 6, extra point blocked.
All right, so it’s not by best effort, but you have to give me time to get back into it. Come to think of it, this has never been any good so if your expectations were high, you were delusional. That could mean that you’re schizophrenic, so you might want to have that checked out. To do so, send $5 to my home address and I will tell you if you are schizophrenic or not. Yes, you shouldn’t worry about this game kids, as the Cats will depart Little Ceasar’s Stadium with a big “W” in hand. This will be the start of a very entertaining 12 game win streak that will be remembered for quite some time around the bluegrass and many will delight in the exploits of Wilcats along the way. Personally, I will be in attendance on Sunday, so feel free to observe me from afar, but don’t dare try to interact with me. Also, if you have glaring need to “Know” something about “Your Enemy”, feel free to offer the suggestions in the comments section. I tried to switch it up a bit this year (nothing wholesale), but would welcome ideas as to what about the other team/school/city/state you would like to see made fun of. It will probably keep this column “about as fresh as a Foghat concert”, but it would at least keep me from repeating some of the things you saw last year. Anyway, Go Cats.