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Know Your Enemy: Louisiana State University Tigers

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So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles. —The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously)

…and that, kids, is why Ernest Borgnine swore a blood curse on my family name. Oh, hey there, loyal readers! I was just finishing up with a weekly mentoring session that I have with a group of capricious third-graders, but I’m quite finished now so let’s begin.

The Cats are riding rather high heading into the Lousanna State Un-versty (their pronunciation) game having demolished the Fighting Roosters in Columbia this Thursday past. I actually haven’t confirmed that Kentucky won, but I decided that the outcome was a foregone conclusion prior to the game and chose to take a lilac-scented bubble-bath and review a quaint volume of Poe (I recommend the “Oval Portrait” if you have only a few minutes to experience genius) and just assume that everything went according to plan. Therefore, it is with absolute certainty that I state that this weekend’s match-up will showcase a pair of SEC unbeatens as they duel to the death (or until the fourth quarter ends–whichever comes first).

The LSU Unoriginal Team Mascots bring a number 1 ranking into Lexington this weekend having survived an altercation with Tim Tebeaux and having destroyed pretty much everyne else. Neaux matter the outcome, at least our head coach’s name will never be confused with a selling point for a used car. Think about it for a second. I’ll wait. Right! Les Miles! as in “less miles”! “I was killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed!”

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The Tigers are favored by Borg-nine or Borg-ten?

Location

Louisiana State University and Agricultural and Mechanical College (no, really) is located in the state capital of Louisiana, Baton Rouge. The name “Baton Rouge” is derived from an old English term meaning, “to use gasoline as an accelerant”. Baton Rouge is the state’s second biggest city and for a short time (74 days), was the largest city in the short-lived republic of West Florida. Baton Rouge has at various times been under the French, British, Spanish, American, and Conferate flags and blames this unstable home life for its inability to hold down a job.

Notable Alumni

Now the easy target here would be David Duke (’74), and to a lesser extent we could have fun at Pokey Chatman’s (’91) expense. However, the crack team of researchers here at Know Your Enemy (29 strong including 1 botanist) likes to go the extra kilometer ( I will be using the metric system until Les Miles leaves the SEC). As a result, we present LSU alum, James Carville. Carville is best known as the political mastermind/strategist/blacksmith for Bill Clinton’s improbable run at the White House in 1992. He now carries the title of “pundit”, although I can’t think of a worse word I would want used to describe my profession. Carville’s thick Louisiana accent and humorous presentation is fun to watch as long as you don’t look directly at his face. I’m no Rex Harrison, but I really hope I’m better looking than the “Ragin’ Cajun”. To add to the mystery that is James Carville is the fact that this well-known proponent of all things Democrat happens to be married to Mary Matalin, a staunch Republican political strategicst that worked for the Bush 43 White House. After watching them interact on “Meet the Press” I have continually wondered if their marriage was originally just an attempt to sell a sitcom pilot to CBS.

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Carville as a boy

Cheerleader Scouting Report

Now, some will take a look at the picture below and say, “but Mosley, that’s the Dance Team, not the Cheerleading Squad”, or “but Mosley, that’s the 2006-2007 edition and they’re not even on a football field”. My response would be, “Don’t focus on the wrong part of the story.” For you see, we can learn a lot about what to expect from LSU’s cheerleaders from observing the dance team, as I have found there is generally a correlation between the relative hotness of the cheer squad and the dance team (R > .75). And if the dance team is any indication, the cheerleaders will be all right. Athleticism appears to abound as all dancers sport tight abdomens, shapely arms, and long, flowing hair (all athletes have long, flowing hair). Also, is it just me, or does it look like the dancer on the far right forgot her uniform? In my opinion this will be Kentucky’s fiercest opponent so far and might very well be the class of the SEC.

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Football History

LSU’s first team appeared in 1893 and promptly lost its only game that year to in-state rival Tulane 34-0. Los Tigres first bowl appearance came in the 2nd ever Sugar Bowl in 1936 as they managed to be defeated by Sammy Baugh and TCU by the score of 3-2. Baugh hit a sacrifice fly in the top of the eighth to score the go-ahead run. The Bayou Bengals have won 9 SEC titles with the 1988 edition being coached by a certain Mike Archer, although I find it hard to believe you can win the SEC giving up 70 points a game. LSU can also lay claim to two national titles with the first coming in 1958 and the second in 2003. Most impressively, they have played in the Blue Bonnet Bowl twice.

Players

LSU’s roster sports an Early, a Trindon, a Colt, a Chevis, a Stefoin, and a Phelon although I really hope the last one is pronounced Fay-lon. While the origin of all of these names would surely make for an interesting study, we must turn our attention to freshman center T-Bob Hebert. Now ol’ T-Bob is the son of former Saints quarterback Bobby Hebert and apparently didn’t inherit his father’s passing ability, but did inherit Dom Deluise’ love of pastry. T-Bob is as cajun as they come as his last name is pronounced Ay – Bear and apparently “T-Bob” is the cajun way of saying Bobby, Jr. I refuse to believe this is true and would rather the young lineman be called “Bobby: the Sequel” than the ridiculous “T-Bob”. The icing on the cake is that T-Bob recently had his hair styled and now supports a baby mullet as opposed to his more familiar bowl cut. I have no idea if T-Bob gets any PT, but assume that during timeouts the distribution for the offensive line goes like this: water bottle, water bottle, crawfish, water bottle.

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Before…

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…and After

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This dynamite transformation was brought to you by T-Bob’s cousin, Jose Eber

Airtight Predictions

Kentucky has to have their best game this week so everyone will start at their regular positions. I specify “start”, because this one will be a laugher after Corey Peters returns a kickoff for a touchdown to open the second half. DLJ decides to double his Ritalin intake before the game so that he can be extra focused against his home state team and winds up with 38 catches–amazing for anyone not called “DLJ”. When the margin reaches 50 points, the Cats turn the contest into an alumni game allowing Derrick Ramsey to take some snaps against the weak LSU defense. He will turn in a reasonable performance going 8-10 for 122 yards in less than a quarter’s work. Expect the Cats to shock everyone that isn’t me be squeaking by the number 1 ranked team in the country 81-16 to go 7-0 on the year.

Summary

This should be a fun one as the nation’s top team invades Commonwealth this Saturday, only to return to Baton Rouge broken, lonely, and unloved. I will be there at the “Catfight” (I’m pretty sure I’m the first person ever to use this term to describe this game or any other involving two feline mascots), cheering on the Cats and making fun of the Tigers, and here’s hoping that you will witness a Kentucky victory with a belly full of White Castle. This’n’ll be a dandy, I GUAR-RON-TEE so GEAUX Cats and maim the pathetic Tigers!

Article written by Mosley