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Know Your Enemy: Kent State Golden Flashes

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So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles. —The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously)

Greetings my fellow arthropods, it’s that time of week again when we seek to discover the vile secrets that this weekend’s opponent has sought to hide from us via a web of deceit and the spread option. However, no matter how heinous the past crimes of the future opponent, the sentence of having to play the greatest football team in the history of the world, the 2007 Kentucky Wildcats, is far too extreme. So let us take a moment to pray for these poor lads as they will undoubtedly return to wherever the State of Kent is with their heads hung low and questioning whether all the action being able to use the line, “I play college football at Kent State”, has gotten them at the local Laundromat was even worth it.

Location

I can vividly remember reading a Kentucky football schedule in my grandpa’s service station when I was little and wondering why I had never heard of one of the Cats’ first opponents that year. That opponent happened to be Kent State and it seemed that Kentucky played them every year in the 1980’s at the beginning of the season. I always wondered where Kent State was located and assumed that Kentucky would win this game because “Kent” was only half as good as “Kentucky” (see folks, I’m like Richard Pryor only without the biting racial commentary, crack addiction, mustache, or talent). Turns out, Kent State is located in the Cleveland-Akron area in northeast Ohio and is the third largest University in the state behind Michigan’s second biggest rival(Ohio State) and Cincinnati.

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Notable Alumni

While graduates such as Nick Saban, Lou Holtz, and Antonio Gates lend some credibility to Kent’s football pedigree, a much more interesting list of alumni includes a litany of mediocre entertainers; many of whom did not graduate. Such alums include: Arsenio Hall, Joe Walsh, Chrissy Hynde, Michael Keaton, and all the members of the new wave group, Devo. A quick assessment of those names will prove that, apparently, Kent State was the inspiration for, “I Kind-of-Liked the Eighties” now playing (on a loop) on VH1.

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Cheerleader Scouting Report

Yikes. I would like to go back in time and re-evaluate my EKU cheerleader scouting report upward because the Lady Colonels would certainly play Rue McClanahan to the Golden Flashes’ Bea Arthur. From the looks of it the lassie (I’ve now used both lad and lassie in this post. I’M MACBETH!) just left of center in the back got a hair crimper as part of her scholarship package. Add to that that I think I recognize at least two of these gals as extras that protected Jonathan Moxon as offensive linemen in “Varsity Blues”, and I think you’ll agree that the cheerleading team has been weighed, has been measured, and has NOT been found wanting.

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Football History

Aside from graduating such big football names as the aforementioned Holtz, Saban, and Gates (who played basketball at Kent, not football), the football teams’ history has been about as successful as “Evan Almighty”. In the 87 year history of the program, 56 of which has come in the MAC, Kent has won their conference championship exactly one time (1972) and has played in two bowl games: the Tangerine Bowl in 1972 and the (honest-to-goodness) Refrigerator Bowl in 1954. They also lost 118-0 to Baldwin Wallace in 1923, although I don’t think any of those players are still playing. Add to that fact that they had a losing streak of 16 as late as 1999 and you begin to understand why Kent takes a Mark McGwire approach when the past comes up. However, this year’s edition has been picked by some (I have no idea who, let’s say Montel Williams) to finish first in the MAC East, so Kentucky might not win by triple-digits as I had originally thought.

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Players

First up is quarterback extraordinaire, Julian Edelman. Edelman is a JUCO transfer from California (beautiful–Lloyd Christmas) who stands 6’0 and weighs a svelte 195lbs. I haven’t researched this, but I assume he is from Laguna Beach, or the OC, or hangs out at Les Deux because of this ridiculous display of facial hair. Kids, let this be a lesson: You look ridiculous with facial hair. Maybe at some point style will change to where we are all wearing bowlers on our heads again and wearing three-piece suits to go to market, but until that time, facial hair on college kids will be an attribute to be mocked, no less than a popped collar or a hat bill that is slightly askew.

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Secondly, we have nose tackle, Colin Ferrell. Now while there’s no way to be sure, I don’t think this is the Colin Ferrell you’re thinking about. First of all, he doesn’t appear to be Irish nor does he look to desperately need a bath. Secondly, I doubt the NCAA allows for cigarette smoking during the game.

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Airtight Predictions

Doug Martin will relish the opportunity to play his alma mater, Kentucky wins by 70 or so points, Rafael Little will continue to have fun with Youtube, and the DLJ will have four touchdowns–in the first quarter.

Summary

Having wasted your time reading this, I am certain that all of you are now as well-prepared as a Christmas goose at the Cratchet household. Despite this fact, many of you are still nervous about the game. I get it–Kent State upset Iowa State in Ames last week and therefore we should all go into this game with much trepidation. However, we’re Kentucky. Our mascot actually aligns with our nickname unlike the fools at Iowa State or Kent State (Cyclones do not equal Cardinals nor do Golden Flashes equal Eagles). For this reason alone, there is no chance Kentucky loses. Now off to bed with the lot of you and happy footballing this Saturday.

Article written by Mosley