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Know Your Enemy: Georgia Bulldogs Basketball: The Sequel

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Just got a call from Coach Gillispie who was all nervous about the game due to an incomplete scouting report. So, to allay the fears of our fair coach and prepare our Cats for the beatdown that they will assuredly put on the Georgia Dachsunds, you are getting the rarely spotted in its natural habitat, Know Your Enemy Mid-Week Edition. I have recognized, through the many thousand of parcels (letter bombs) I have received in the mail, that our readership feels that their is a correlation between KYE and Kentucky victories.

Let me assure you that you are, indeed, correct. The coaching staff generally puts together a complete scouting report on their upcoming opponent and fills it full of strategies, plays, and tendencies. However, on Fridays, the staff not only compiles their normal scouting report, but they also wait to see what genius I will come up with in order to be fully prepared because, presumably, they do not have access to Wikipedia and/or their opponent’s athletics website. The staff was a little skeptical at first and tried to avoid taking advantage of Know Your Enemy, but through some persuasion from Uncle Rich Brooks, Gillispie and his Merry Men began utilizing KYE just prior to SEC play and the results have been staggering.

You’ll note that during SEC play, these felines have lost but one time when a KYE was provided (overtime loss AT Florida). Therefore to silence you vultures, I have done the Commonwealth the service of producing another KYE. You’ll note that this edition involves quite a bit of self-plagiarism (which will make you go blind, or so I’m told) because I certainly didn’t have the time, nor clever-ness-itude to come up with something completely original–it just would have taken too many hours. But look at it this way, you got a brand new intro, a new Summary, and if you didn’t read the body last time, it’s new to you, too. (Set to the tune of the “Full House” Theme) “Whatever happened to predictability, the milkman, the paperboy, and Know Your Enemy?”

Location

Although I grew up thinking that Georgia was an American state situated in the southeast United States, my research indicates that Georgia is actually a former Soviet satellite and is now a, “Eurasian country in the Caucasus located at the east coast of the Black Sea.” Georgia is bordered by both Turkey and Russia and is a member of the UN and the WTO. Furthermore, Georgia counts both Josef Stalin and maconvol_fan as prominent sons.

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Notable Alumni

Some fun and useful persons on this list include: Kim Basinger, Bill Goldberg, Wayne Knight (Newman from Seinfeld), and every member of REM. Despite the goodwill derived from producing the people on the above list, UGA has also unleashed a blight on humanity in the form of one Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest (that isn’t a stage name) was born and raised in the state of Georgia and received a fair amount of his media “training” while majoring in journalism at UGA. Ryan would cut his teeth on local radio shows and appears to have gotten television experience as the host of a number of crappy game shows. His big break came when he was chosen to co-host the first season of American Idol along with Brian Dunkelman. After stabbing Dunkelman in the back, Seacrest became the show’s lone host and preceded to become the most ubiquitous person on the planet. Seacrest can be seen and heard as the host of a weekly pop music countdown, on something for E! News, probably something else on Extra or ET or Access Hollywood or Mr. Belvedere (Broktune), and, of course, hitting on girls both younger and taller than him as the host of American Idol. Ryan Seacrest is why the rest of the world doesn’t like the United States.

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…and I’ll tell you who’s the most worthless person in the world is…right after the break.

Cheerleader Scouting Report

The picture below is about as clear as the Zapruder film, so it makes it difficult to gauge exactly what the Georgia cheerleaders are working with. About the only conclusion we can draw is that the gal seated fifth from the left is in desperate need of a spray-on tan. Why spray-on? Because if she were to climb into a tanning bed, she would explode into flames.

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Basketball History

Georgia actually has had surprisingly very little basketball success. The program has been around since 1905, but they only made their first NCAA tournament appearance in 1983 fulfilling Coach Stegeman’s 78-year improvement plan (having I used that joke before? It wasn’t good then, either). Surprisingly, that 1983 team not only made the Final Four, but did so the year following the departure of Dominique Wilkins to the NBA. ‘Nique is by far the most recognizable former Bulldog, though his nephew Damien eventually found his way to Athens before catching on with the Seattle Supersonics (always Supersonics in my heart). Another tidbit you probably didn’t know: One coach has held the head position at both Kentucky and Georgia (though not at the same time, that’s not legal). Can you name him? I’ll just go ahead and tell you because it’s a hard one. Turns out it was Tubby Smith. I can’t remember much about Tubby’s tenure here, so I thought I would just open it up and let everyone discuss:the 1998 Championship team, whether this year is Tubby’s fault, how he got the nickname “Tubby”, and why Tomlin, “smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan smells like”.

Players

Year after year I make fun of Dave Bliss and his only response is to make his head even more square. Bliss actually played for the aforementioned 1983 team and has sought to make a living out only playing collegiate basketball for Georgia. Honestly, I think he was recruited by Ron Jirsa. WOULD YOU GRADUATE ALREADY? Bliss is slow-moving and not especially athletic and when I first saw him start a game his freshman year, I thought that “whatever team starts this guy, might be one of the worst teams in SEC history”. Bliss had no fluidity to his game and therefore everything he did looked painful to a stellar athlete/astronaut such as myself. He also looked to constantly be sporting a grown-out buzzcut that was forever in need of a good 3-guard to tidy things up. However, over the last dozen years, Bliss has not only found a niche (banger who isn’t afraid to get dirty–poor choice of words), but has, at times, excelled in his role of garbageman. In the absence of Joey Waldrop (my favorite non-UK SEC Player ever), Bliss has filled in admirably as the goofy Georgia player at whom I hurl insults. I will actually miss you when you graduate Davey, and I hope you do well in all games except against the Wildcats.

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SpongeDave Squarehead

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This really is Joey Waldrop in an adapted version of “Henry IV” where he starred as “The Douglas” and was also the fight choreographer. You have to go to his website immediately. It is the greatest thing in the history of time. I might not write a KYE next week, because I will be busy exploring the Waldrop website and checking flights to go see Waldrop master “the craft”.

Airtight Predictions

Smoove good, PPat good, Purry good, Jasper’s knee brace good. Coury again starts, sets the pace, then drops out of the race at about the 17:00 mark leaving the finish line for the others. Dusty Mills will tell a joke about a blonde woman refusing to cook with Old Spice because she wanted something fresher and A.J. Stewart will giggle. Sundiata Gaines will continue to have a name that I’m not sure whether I love or find ridiculous (maybe both). Joey Waldrop will be the halftime entertainment performing a stirring monologue from “Our Town” and the Cats will win by 50. I think the Dawgs will keep it that close because the game’s in Athens. OK, I have to edit this because this game is in Lexing-town. Cats by 116.

Summary

Yeah, everything stayed the same, I know. Our beloved Cats should have been able to find the other KYE I did about Georgia, but they didn’t so what’s a boy to do? Look for Morakinyo Williams to have a fun night (he won’t be at the game) and be sure to watch the Cats continue their assault on the rest of the SEC in their quest for a 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament. What? I still think it’s possible when you look at the RPI and the CPI and you have the lobbying support of the AARP. Go Cats.

Article written by Mosley