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Know Your Enemy: Florida Gators

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So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles. —The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously)

By the Power of Grayskull, I was right again. As both of you that follow this serial will note, I am now 6-1 in my Kentucky predictions. By my calculations, that means that there is an 86% chance that my prediction for Saturday’s game will be accurate. I will warn you not to think too much about my logic–just trust me that it is as sound as Houston Nutt’s mastery of the passing game. Such an outstanding record has led to mathematicians knocking down my door seeking answers to mathematics problems that have plagued them for years. I turned them all away in an effort to focus completely on this post (and Perfect Strangers reruns) but, in the spirit of giving, I will solve the Goldbach Conjecture for them: The answer is 7. You’re welcome.

What a glorious time was this past weekend. Even the TV timeouts during overtime were welcome diversions as they allowed me the time to explain the mechanics of overtime to my girlfriend (“So, if we score first, we win?), who had the comment of the night when, just before halftime, she very angrily declared, “You didn’t tell me LSU was ranked #1!” as this was apparently my responsibility. Yes, this truly was a remarkable game and probably the most electric atmosphere I have ever encountered at a live sporting event (that Debbie Gibson concert back in ’87 wasn’t a sporting event). While our fearless coach and the brave lads that wear the blue deserve and have received much adulation from this website, it is regrettable that we must now turn our attention to yet another ranked SEC East foe. Surely Hercules had it easier going through labor those dozen times.

Los Florida Crocagators were forced to pack two consecutive losses with them for their trip to Lexington and now have the frightening task of taking on perhaps the best team in the history of college football: The 2007 Kentucky Wilcats. While most previews focus on fifth on the depth chart red-shirt freshman walk-on quarterback Andrew Blaylock, I will take a unique approach and focus on unsung and under-hyped quarterback Jim Teebowl. But first the info you desperately seek:

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Hochulis, son of Zeus

Location

Most kids choose to attend the University of Florida due to its location as a beach town, right? Wrong. Contrary to popular belief, not every city in Florida is located on the ocean. In fact, U of F is able to recruit kids to Gainesville despite constantly doing it’s best Paraguay impression (it’s also landlocked. Also, Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin). Florida is the third largest University in the US by enrollment with over 50,000 students–several of which can accurately name a player on their basketball team. The University itself is also responsible for the invention of both Gatorade and Sentricon Termite Elimination System. No word on whether the same formula is used for both. They also have a $60 million McKnight Brain Institute on campus.

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Did he really spend $60 million to found an institute on Florida’s campus?

Notable Alumni

If you’re like me, then you are loyal to Tide detergent and have also met a few Floridians that seem to think that they are different from the rest of the south and can’t really be included with the rest of us. However, after diligent research by our crack staff (only 4 of them now. Matt says our margins are Keira Knightly-thin) we have determined that the University of Florida has graduated Mel Tillis, Buddy Ebsen, Bill France, Jr., and not one, but two Bellamy Brothers. This solidifies U of F’s southern credentials forevermore. Throw in Erin Andrews (wassup, girl), SNL’s Darrell Hammond, and Academy Award Winner, Faye Dunaway, and all of a sudden, Florida alums don’t seem so annoying. And then there’s Bob Vila. I don’t necessarily have a problem with the former “This Old House” host, but there was always something that I found a little untoward about him in that he was always just a little too upbeat and excited about home improvement. I would liken him to Bob Ross of “Joy of Painting” fame in that he never appeared frustrated and seemed to really enjoy every day. I don’t trust people like that and it wouldn’t surprise me if we one day learned that Vila was an anti-government anarchist aligned with the Michigan Militia.

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Maybe I just don’t trust people with beards?

Cheerleader Scouting Report

Why is it that schools refuse to put a team picture of their respective cheerleading squads on their websites? Are they afraid that an overzealous blogger will use the photos to stalk their cheerleaders? If that’s the case, then I think I’ve demonstrated that I can adhere to restraining orders, so what’s the problem? Again, we are forced to provide a picture of the dance team, although these are the Dazzlers and Erin Andrews used to be a Dazzler pre-augmentation. So, we got that goin’ for us. As you can see from the photo, the Dazzlers were at one point engaged in a promotion with Aeropostale to promote jeans. I assure you it worked as my closet is now packed with 84 pairs of size 2 Aeropostale jeans.

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Football History

So it turns out that Florida has a bit more of a successful track record than our Cats, although their success has come relatively recently. Sure the Gators won national titles in 1996 and 2006, but did you know their first SEC title came in only 1991? Since that time they have added six more league titles, but it is surprising that it took them just a shade under three-score years to win their first SEC championship. Florida’s first season took place in 1906 under the guidance of James Forsythe who would coach for three seasons before handing the reins over to one G.E. Pyle who would coach through the 1913.

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G.E. Pyle ca. 1912

Players

The Gator roster sports a Moses, a Duke, a Carlton, and two players named “Bo”. While these are indeed names to be ridiculed at another time, we will shine a bit of a spotlight on one Percy Harvin. You see, Percy’s name is Percy, and I’m not sure I can think of a less macho name this side of Gloria. Strangely, the only other Percy of which I’m aware is awful rapper and father of L’il Romeo, Master P. These gentleman would have to be mentally tough to even survive to this point, let alone excel (debatable with Master P). This means that P. Harvin is the real deal and one for the Cats to keep an eye on this Saturday. Hopefully, Woodyard et. al will make him say, “Unh! Nuh-nah, nuh-nah”. The Gators also feature receiver Andre Caldwell, brother of bugged-eyed former Patriot receiver, Reche Caldwell. Pay no mind to him, he won’t hurt us. As for Sir Tebow…Tim was born in the Phillipines to Christian missionaries and was home schooled. Wait. Home schooled? One of the finest high school quarterbacks in the last decade didn’t actually go to high school? Interesting. I bet that was a creepy prom. Anywho, despite the Tebow family’s disdain for public education (which learnt me a whole bunch), Timmy decided to attend a public university. So apparently Florida taxpayer dollars weren’t good enough to educate Tim at the K-12 level, but are just fine when they are accompanied by football, women, and the devotion of thousands. Come to think of it, I would change my mind, too. However, Tim is the signal-caller of the enemy and, as such, deserves our hatred.

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Who’s covering my brother? TREVARD LINDLEY?

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To be fair, he actually does carry his team

Airtight Predictions

Is there anything left for DLJ to do? Following his crushing block to Rosemary Steltz in the LSU game, DLJ entered a series of toughman contests in and around the state of Kentucky. He was undefeated in all of them and actually never took a swing as no one would climb into the ring with him. He takes out his frustration on the Gators this weekend with 14 catches for 723 yards and 8 TD’s–all done while eating orange popsicles. The Cats were entertained enough by last week’s overtimes that they decide to sandbag a bit in order to do it again and thereby give the fans the excitement they desire. Look for this to be tied going into the fifth overtime, before the Cats inexplicably end up winning 82-8. Sorry national media, I’m still not ready to buy Tebow as a throwing quarterback. Look for him to throw 9 interceptions (eight of them taken by Trevard Lindley) and to be contained on the ground as the Wildfelines hold him to 8 yards rushing.

Summary

Who would have thought UK would be 6-1 right now? Me. Who thinks UK will win this game? Me and only me. I am the only member of the national media (?) that is picking the Cats. My game-picking ability is only exceeded by my narcissism, and my ability to curl tree trunks. Unfortunately, it looks as if T. Hunter will miss this game as he has been down in the land of the enemy, seeking to buy a condo next to Jack Klompas in Del Boca Vista. Either way, prepare yourselves for a fun game, Cat fans, and Mitch, get your checkbook ready. Go Cats.

Article written by Mosley