So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles. —The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously)
As I was reading the latest issue of “Seventeen” magazine last night (I subscribe), I noticed the following story listed in the feature, “Traumarama! Real People Share Their Most Embarrassing Moments Ever!”:
“My best friend was throwing a huge soiree and the hot guy I’d been corresponding with online was going to be there. Right before midnight, we’d all gone outside to light sparklers. As the countdown ended, I turned to give my crush a smooch and bumped into my friend’s sparkler–singeing my eyebrow. The sparks were definitely flying, but not as I had planned.” –Alyssa age 16
Actually, that’s the wrong one. That was hilarious and all, but the one that caught my eye was this:
“We had just finished up with a strong pre-game practice and everyone was getting themselves mentally ready for the upcoming game against a fast-playing military academy from somewhere back east. As the game started they jumped out to a huge lead against our vastly more talented team, and, although we kept it close and fought valiantly, we ended up losing to this rinky-dink team that prided themselves on having a perfect crease in their shorts. It was the most embarrassing moment in my entire life. Unfortunately for the rest of the teams on our schedule, this just serves as extra motivation and I’ve responded by cutting my sleep time down to 15 minutes a night so that I can better prepare. This strategy hasn’t had time to take effect yet, so a team with the initials U.N.C. beat us handily as well, but don’t think for a minute that a team of mine forged by sweat, blood, and my yelling of curse words will go through this season labeled a “disappointment”. We’ll get things turned around and my prediction for the rest of the season is the same as Clubber Lang’s: PAIN!…for them…not for us…for us it’ll be good.” Billy, age 49
I’ll be honest–I didn’t expect to see that. I usually go straight for the “Hair+Skin+Makeup” feature, but this caught my eye. I can’t be sure that this is Billy Gillispie, but it does make you think and if it is, I wouldn’t want to be on Kentucky’s basketball schedule for the rest of the year.
My mentioning of the schedule is, I think, a fine place to segue into talking about the schedule. That’s how I set it up because I’m a great writer. The Delaware State Hornets buzz into town (see there, more proof that I’m a great writer–they won’t actually buzz in here since they’re humans, but considering that their mascot is a hornet, I thought it appropriate) sporting a record worse than that of our beloved felines with losses to Lehigh, Dayton, and Ohio State. The Lehigh loss was the most competitive, with the Hornets losing by only 18. Needless to say, it would be less than good if the Cats dropped this one. Little is known about Delaware State, but they are likely to finish the game looking collectively like a dead animal in the middle of the road that has been been there for a few days and has been run over so many times you’re not quite sure if it’s a dog, a cat, a possum, or an elephant. I’m standing at the edge of tomorrow (morrow, morrow), and it’s all up to me how far I go (far I go), I’m standing at the edge of tomorrow, Today!!! (today, today). Know Your Enemy begins….NOW.
I am seriously trying to think if there is a state that I know less about than Delaware. I know that it was the first state to ratify the constitution and I know that’s its capital is Dover–that’s about it. It is also the only state on the eastern seaboard that I have never visited mainly because it’s not easy to get to. It almost has to be a destination because you don’t really need to drive through Delaware to get anywhere else. Other quick facts about Delaware: it is the second smallest state (behind Rhode Island–which is neither a road nor an island), it has only three counties, it was named after the first colonial governor of Virginia: Baron De La Warr, and the blue hen is the state’s official bird because Delaware soldiers in the Revolutionary War brought blue hens along with them to cock fight–no, really. The most interesting note is that the northern border of the state is defined as being an arc extending 12 miles from the top spire of the courthouse in New Castle–this line is known as Twelve-Mile Circle.
I can verify that the state of Delaware does exist as one of my friends not only grew up in Delaware, but also is a proud alum of Delaware State. The school itself is a historically black college and has produced such noted alums as Maryland Congressman Wayne Gilchrist and former 49er John Taylor. However, it also produced my buddy Al White, who, while not being known to any of you is a small, weak man who gets his kicks by making fun of the mullets of the kids he tutors at a local elementary school here in Indy. Al also made a crack about my parents bringing moonshine up from Kentucky when they came to visit, but quickly realized his stereotypical remark and said that I was allowed to make one black joke to make up for it. I will not be taking him up on this as it is a horrible idea for me, but one of our other friends (Ryan) had absolutely no qualms about trying to tie both our worlds together by referencing Kentucky Fried Chicken. It was an awkward point in the conversation.
Cheerleader Scouting Report:
Cute, and although I wouldn’t compare them to our dance team in terms of looks, I would wager that they are better dancers. OK, Al, now we’re even.
Well, they haven’t released their basketball media guide yet, so no history for us to research, but they do play in the MEAC, so I guess that’s something and they won their first postseason game EVER just last year when they upended North Carolina A&T in the quarterfinals of the MEAC Conference Tournament. In their next game, they were taken down by Morgan State and the dream ended. I’m not sure the dream was ever really defined due to their lack of historical success, but it did end.
Who to watch out for? No one in particular, as they will be no match for Patrick Patterson. But at least acknowledge 6’6 forward Frisco Sandidge, who, before enrolling at Delaware State, was a menu item at Hardee’s in the late 1990’s. His friends call him “Sourdough”. The Hornets also have Arturo Dubois whose first and last names are Italian and French, respectively, though I am confident he is neither. Also, the coach’s son, Greg Jackson, Jr., is a sophomore guard which allows you to conclude, then, the the coach’s name must be, Samuel L. Clemens.
Patrick Patterson, tired of being denied the basketball, solves Kentucky’s point guard issues by assuming the “1” and proceeding to finish with the following line: 35p, 19r, 12a. He will then celebrate by forcing everyone to change their locker combinations to these numbers. Jodie Meeks again puts up a lot of shots (30), but this time all of them go in and he finishes the game with 89 points (his toe will be on the line on that one in the second half). At the 18:30 mark, Jared Carter will give Mark Krebs a Wet Willie and Krebs will squeal in horror/delight.
Cats get back to their winning ways in a route and continue protecting Rupp Arena from all foes non-miltary (or those whose names are hyphenated). Delaware State will head back to wherever the state of Delaware is and will begin preparing for the likes of Hampton and Howard again. Hope you’re there and, if you are, say “hi” to one of my buddies that’ll be there–he’ll be the one wearing the blue shirt and yelling “PUT IN LIGGINS!”. Go Cats.