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Know Your Enemy: Arkansas Razorbacks

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So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles. —The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously)

Not unlike that fever blister you can’t seem to get rid of, Know Your Enemy returns more conspicuous and painful than ever before. Need I remind our good readers that this depot on the Kentucky Sports Radio Railroad correctly predicted that the ferocious Kittens would upend the Avian-flu carrying Cardinals by a final score of 79-18 and that DLJ would have 6 touchdowns? Yes, I’m great with humility; as a matter of fact, you could say I’m the most humble person in the entire world. Despite all of this, and after a long week of reveling in victory, we must now turn our attention to the next participant in the, “Charley, come on out and get yo’ whoopin” Contest hosted by Rich Brooks’ sweat and brawn forged Wildcat Football Team.

This edition of the Razorback Football Team was outlasted by Nick $aban and his Crimson Elephants this past week and were subsequently knocked out of college football’s popularity contest, while the Cats snuck in for the first time since nineteen dickety-two. Traveling to Fayetteville represents quite the challenge for the newly respectable Cats and it is my job to make sure our fans are well versed in all things Hog Nation from concession stand etiquette (none) to the state language, Pig Latin (Hi-yo! Hitting you with the “A” material in the second paragraph!)

Location

The state of Arkansas strikes me as odd due to its inability to agree on the pronunciation of its own name. Ark-ansas is one pronunciation, while the other is the more traditionally heard, Ar-kan-saw. This doesn’t quite reach the same level of annoyance of Matthew Jones’ pronunciation of “Guerrant”, but it’s pretty close. Other states with this problem include Missouri (Missour-ah), and Idaho (Tater-land).

The city now known as Fayetteville was originally named Washington Courthouse, but was required to change after it was noticed there was already another Washington, Arkansas. To remedy this plagiarism, it was decided the town would copy the name of Fayetteville, TN. No word on whether Carlos Mencia was a founding father.

Notable Alumni

No one I found especially interesting, so I’ll dig into the never controversial arena of politics. Turns out two Presidential candidates have ties to the land of whatever Arkansas is the land of: Hillary Clinton and Mike Huckabee. If you will recall, Hillary arrived on the Fayetteville scene with Captain Angioplasty (Bill Clinton) some time in the 70’s to profess at the U of A law school and managed to warm-up to the south like Britney Spears to good parenting. However, Bill is as much a life-long Razorbacks fan as Hillary is a Senate Career-long Yankees fan.

Mike Huckabee is best known for not being known at all. His claim to fame is that he once lost 110 pounds, although I think “Governor of Arkansas” is the crappiest prize “The Biggest Loser” has ever handed out. Since this is all I know about him, my opinion is that he’s almost as qualified to be President as Jared from the Subway commercials.

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Cheerleader Scouting Report

The SEC isn’t just the nation’s best conference in football. No, you can definitely tell when UK hits the SEC schedule by the increase in the talent level of the cheerleading squads. Not only are they all attractive, but there’s something for everyone. Like ‘em pale? Third from the left. Like ‘em small and blond? Second from right. Like ‘em, uh, miscellaneous? First on left (this one gets my vote for hottest). What’s more, they’re all home grown–unless “AR” means Arizona, in which case we need to investigate why so many girls from Arizona are going to Arkansas.

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Football History

Arkansas football history begins in 1894 with an impressive 2-1 record. The loss came at the hands of the Texas Longhorns (54-0), but the two wins came courtesy of Fort Smith High School. I’m sure U of A was hard up for teams to play in 1894, but seriously, Fort Smith High School? TWICE? Arkansas lays claim to a national title in 1964 as they were the only team to go undefeated, although the AP awarded the title to Alabama. Oddly enough, North Carolina’s basketball team also claims a share of this title.

Players

“Dick and Nutt Combination Proves to be Productive”. No, that’s not the title of a medical journal article, but rather a statement about Arkansas’ success with Houston Nutt at the helm and Casey Dick under center. Actually, it doesn’t matter who’s under center because the Razorbacks own the rights to one Darren McFadden and would seem to employ Belfry (KY) High School’s playbook based on their disdain for the forward pass. McFadden is the best Tailback in the history of the World (they didn’t have football in Jesus’ time), and he’s really the only player the Cats have to worry about on the entire team. Keep him under a grand in total yards, and you might have yourself a victory (or a loss).

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Airtight Predictions

DLJ will say or do something ridiculous in the pre and post game, but will also score 5 touchdowns and fix global warming. Kenan Burton will play (18 catches, 321 yards), and Lones Seiber will be moved to defensive tackle at halftime. I’ve got the Hogs keeping it close with the Cats escaping with a 62-14 win. Also, in the year 2120, Arkansas will change its mascot to correspond to the advances made by evolution to the razorback and will be known as the Arkansas Laserback Razorbacks. Additionally, expect CBS’ hard-hitting child labor expose’ “Kid Nation” to be a huge hit and for NBC to find a vehicle for Jerry Van Dyke–he’s too good not to be on television.

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Summary

And there you have it, my fellow cosmonauts. You now have in your possession information akin (in both quality and volume) to that of the brochure that cult gave me at the Laundromat the other day. All real fans will be making the trek to Fayetteville (except me–it’s too far), so be sure to give a good “Hazaah” to our plucky Cats and cheer them on to a 4-0 record. Remember, as of right now, we’re still technically in the national title hunt.

Article written by Mosley