LEXINGTON, KY — Just as Kentuckians finally recovered from one disaster, another disaster threatens the state. According to state and federal officials, the newest disaster may make the devastation from January’s storms look light in comparison.
The University of Kentucky Men’s Basketball team, currently on a three-game losing streak including two back-to-back losses at hallowed Rupp Arena, will be hosting the University of Florida in Lexington on Tuesday at 9PM. If the Wildcats lose again, “all hell will break loose”, according to one official on Saturday who wished to remain anonymous.
Professor Dale Y. Brown, Chair of the state-funded Wildcat Madness Warning Index (WMWI), admitted in a press conference on Monday morning that there is no accurate way to predict the exact actions of a disgruntled fan base. “In most Wildcat loss situations, the average upset fan will find non-destructive methods of relieving their frustration. They may phone a friend, post a message on the Internet, et cetera. However losing three games in a row at Rupp would be a cataclysmic event to the psyche of all Wildcat fans. It may drive average men to the brink of insanity.”
Based on the research and computer models presented by the WMWI, Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear said on Monday that he agreed with the group’s conclusions. “Kentucky Wildcat fans, like all Kentuckians, are fueled by passion. During January’s storms and subsequent cleanup, that passion drove their courage, resiliency and concern for their neighbors. A Wildcat loss may shift that passion into a destructive and devastating force.”
“As Governor, I cannot allow the passions of a significant portion of our state destroy what we all have worked so hard to put back together,” he said.
Governor Beshear announced that immediately following a Wildcat loss, he would declare the entire state of Kentucky under martial law and enforce immediate curfew until 6 AM Wednesday morning. All Kentuckians — “even the minority of Kentuckians who don’t follow college basketball”, Beshear claimed — should stay off roadways and public areas. “Reckless destruction of property or assemblies of mobs will be dealt with force,” Governor Beshear warned.
To help enforce the curfew, Governor Beshear has mobilized most of the Kentucky Army National Guard and Kentucky Air National Guard within Lexington. The Governor has also asked law enforcement units from Indiana, Ohio, Tennessee, Missouri, West Virginia and Illinois to reinforce police departments in the smaller towns and cities across Kentucky.
According to several anonymous state officials involved in the planning, a debate rose on whether or not Lexington, Kentucky should have the bulk of troops deployed. Several officials involved with troop deployment argued that Lexington was “ground zero” for the worst destruction and that National Guard troops should be spared. Furthermore, resentment was expressed by some officials when plans were made to provide armed guards for the Wildcats’ players and staff members. “They created this mess! Let them deal with it!” one high-ranking official was reported to exclaim. Governor Beshear, his spokesperson, and other members of Kentucky Government refuse to comment on the details of the National Guard deployment.
The fallout of a Wildcat loss is not contained to the state. City governments in Raleigh, North Carolina and Indianapolis have begun actively hunting out Wildcat fans for placement within detainment camps. Raleigh Mayor Charles Meeker promises that the fans’ rights will not be violated while detained. “We are just applying preventative medicine, so to speak,” the Mayor said in a press conference Monday. Mayor Meeker promised that the game will be televised within the detainment camp, along with, “as much snacks and beer we can provide.” So far, approximately 15,000 persons have identified themselves as Wildcat fans to Raleigh Police.
Speaking on a teleconference call Monday, President Barack Obama promised the citizens of Kentucky federal support in case of a Wildcat loss. “Florida’s proficiency with shooting the 3-point shot makes the situation much more serious,” the President said.
Copyright (c) 2009 by the Fake Press. Duplication or republication is prohibited by law.