Since it’s been a while, I thought I’d take a little peak into my mailbag again and see if I can answer any questions to help steer the little people toward the path of awesomeness.
We still haven’t heard if you’re hot or not. Disappointing.
Anyway, my question has to do with picking up women. Not to be cocky, but I am extremely good looking, which along with my debonair sense of style and chivalrous nature, leads me to no shortage of girls in my bedroom (well not bedroom per se, more like basement suite).My main choice of bait in a social situation is to start out with a funny opening line and quickly launch into my best Bobby Knight impression followed abruptly by my recitation of all 119 football schools and their mascots in backwards alphabetical order. What am I doing wrong?
When I was single, the thing I loathed the most-even more than awkward blind dates and the dreaded wedding”plus one”-was married people giving me advice. I know, I know- you blindly lucked into finding the person of your dreams which somehow makes you an expert in all things mating. Seriously, I have friends who never went on one date before they met their spouse who would try and tell me “be patient” and “You’ll just know when it’s the real thing”. Yeah, like you “just knew” when he took you to Golden Coral on your first date where you decided you were just desperate enough to see him again? Or did you “just know” when you broke up with him over his farting habit and chronic case of athlete’s foot, then decided he didn’t annoy you enough to stop seeing him permanently, got back together, broke up, got back together, broke up, got knocked up, and danced to “Take these broken wings” at your shotgun wedding? That’s what I thought.
But since I’ve joined the married ranks (and since you asked), I feel as though I should at least pass down a few pieces of my dating wisdom, incurred over thousands of hours of bad dates and random bar encounters. when I reflect over my time spent in the cesspool that is singledom, I realize how much sports effected my dating life and how my rabid fandom probably saved me from at least 5 divorcesand countless hidden d-bags I might otherwise have mistaken for the “real thing”. Mainly, my pick-up advice can be boiled down to one simple rule, a rule that I have seen bent and broken on numerous occasions to nasty and unforeseen consequences:
Do not use sports to pick up a girl.
I know they say you should stick with what you know, and I really do subscribe to this on most occasions. But unless you play/have played some cool sport competitively and can use this knowledge to your advantage to impress her with your stamina and/or flexibility, steer clear of sports. Chances are she’ll fall into two categories-either she’ll be bored out of her mind and not care one iota who the Pistons are rumored to be acquiring from the Jazz, or she’ll know more about the topic than you and you’ll ultimately lose your dignity. I can’t even begin to tell you how many cocky men have attempted to flirt by bantering about sports with me. It became almost a game for me- how many balls can I steal tonight?
And for the sports-loving gals out there-my advice to you is to play it cool, laughing at his inane sports ramblings and pretending as if you couldn’t tell the difference between a field goal and hockey goalie. Take your time, and when the moment is right-go for the jugular by saying something like “I canceled my hair appointment last week because I was too nervous about the Jones commitment. I think the addition of Jones rounds out the roster pretty nicely, although we might be able to use another forward.” This will knock them for a loop and make them instantaneously rewind the entire conversation, hoping to heaven he didn’t make something up that she could possibly prove as false with her new found knowledge of sports, men like to be surprised. If nothing else, you’ll have a good laugh with your girlfriends later.