While we here at Kentucky Sports Radio – and you posters at home – are, by nature, inquisitive folks, there seems to be no bound to our furious predictions of the future. Will we get Patterson? Another NCAA banner? While I myself have no answers to these questions, nor do I have the phone numbers of this year’s hottest recruits, I did find myself presented with a fantastic opportunity on Tuesday when I made the acquaintance of Wizard Steve.
If you’re not aware of Wizard Steve, you are clearly not schooled in the dark arts and in locating the powerful individuals who have mastered it. You are probably content with “the present,” and think that “the prediction of the future is hogwash.” You are also, most likely, not hanging around at Blimpie enough. Because it was here, as I was eating my Baja Turkey & Cheese, that a soul as old as the ages approached me with promises of future harbingers. As a journalist, I immediately recognized an opportunity, and made Wizard Steve a deal in which he would foretell the future of University of Kentucky basketball in exchange for a ham sandwich. Back at my house, Wizard Steve wolfed down his ham sandwich and then fell asleep on the couch. When he awoke, I was waiting with my trusty recorder and a list of questions that would no doubt dazzle and astound us all. Below, dear readers, is an account of that very conversation:
KSR: Thanks for joining us today, Wizard Steve.
WS: Thank you for the ham sandwich, Carl.
KSR: My name is Chris.
WS: Maybe it’s Chris…NOW….
KSR: …but it won’t be in the future.
WS: You’re getting the idea, Carl.
KSR: I work for a website called Kentucky Sports-
KSR: Yes, right. And I was wondering if you could-
WS: Tell you about the future of radio?
KSR: No, the future of Kentucky Sports.
WS: I know, I was just kidding.
KSR: Great then…is there anything I need to get for you?
WS: The power, Carl, is inside me. But another ham sandwich would be great.
KSR: Sure thing.
(thirty minutes later)
KSR: How was your nap?
WS: Just as I’d expected.
KSR: Now, I have some questions.
WS: Yes, proceed.
KSR: Currently we’re courting a recruit named Patrick Patterson.
WS: Yes, I know him. He’s an old man.
KSR: No, he’s-
WS: In the FUTURE, he’s old, Carl.
KSR: Touche, Wizard Steve. So did he go to the University of Kentucky?
WS: Yes, he did. For two years. Then he transferred to the Rhode Island School of Robotic Sports.
KSR: That seems a bit unlikely.
WS: You may choose to believe what you wish. Patrick Patterson will graduate from RISRU with honors, All-American status, and infrared eyeball that can sense fear.
KSR: In 2009? Really?
WS: The world is changing fast. He will go on to out-destroy every other power forward in the National Basketball Association.
KSR: That’s fascinating.
WS: Can I have this, Carl?
KSR: No, that’s my diploma from college. Please hang it back on the wall.
WS: How about this?
KSR: That’s a light fixture, it’s attached to the ceiling. I have more questions.
KSR: When will the University of Kentucky win another National Championship?
WS: In 2008, 2012, and again in 2015 under head coach Adam Chiles.
KSR: Really? Adam Chiles?
WS: That’s right. His robotic horse legs will cut quite an intimidating swath.
KSR: Sounds like lots of robotics in the future.
WS: You have no idea.
KSR: How about Coach Smith? What becomes of him?
WS: Orlando Smith will win the 2008 championship before his freezing.
WS: Freezing? You were going to say freezing?
WS: Yes, he will opt to be cryogenically frozen in May 2008 to return again in 3014 and lead humans to defeat the birds.
KSR: That seems a little far-fetched.
WS: To you, perhaps. Can I have another ham sandwich?
KSR: Not yet. What else can you tell me about the future of Kentucky Sports? How about football?
WS: Football will be replaced in the future by lego building competitions. Of which Pookie Jones will lead the team to many championships.
KSR: I doubt that.
WS: You’re so naive, Carl. Just you wait.
KSR: What else does the future hold for the basketball team?
WS: You will make me another ham sandwich.
KSR: Not yet.
KSR: The basketball team, Wizard Steve.
WS: Can I have this?
KSR: That’s a fireplace.
KSR: So….back to basketball…
WS: In 2040, Bill Keightley will outfit the team with protective faces.
WS: In the future, he is one of the world’s most powerful scientists.
KSR: This is dumb, Wizard Steve. I think you’re making this up.
WS: Believe what you wish.
KSR: I think we’re finished here.
WS: Can I have another ham sandwich?
KSR: Sure. Whatever.
WS: I told you that you’d make me another, Carl. I see all.