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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

John Calipari, The Author

caliparibooksign

Photo courtesy of @kaintuckeean

 

By now you have heard that our beloved Coach Cal has announced his fourth book, Players Firstto be released in the spring of 2014; April 15th to be exact. There have been some wonderful excerpts released ahead of the book’s publication (the “burn your village” comment got me hype) and if you haven’t preordered your copy yet, you can head over here and get that done right away. Calipari is teaming up with Michael Sokolove, a contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine and New York Times Best Selling author of books regarding Daryl Strawberry, Pete Rose and women in sports. Following the inevitable success of his newest book, what could be Calipari’s next move? Who could he team up with in the future? Let’s take a look at some possible literary routes he could take and the rumored ideas that are out there floating around:

 

I Hope They Serve Triple Meat Entrees In New Orleans, John Calipari & Tucker Max

No one will ever forget the joy and elation that followed Kentucky’s eighth national championship on April 2nd, 2012 in New Orleans. What they may not know, however, is the incredible stories that came out of Calipari’s night life during that unforgettable weekend. Take a trip with Coach as he teams up with everyone’s favorite story teller, Tucker Max, to relive those days he will never forget. Whether it is reminiscing about ordering the steak/chicken/lamb from room service the night before the Final Four or explaining his nightly rounds to ensure Doron Lamb hadn’t snuck out of the hotel to see who up, you will be rolling on the floor in hilarity as only Calipari/Max could make possible.

 

John Calipari And The Magic Wand, John Calipari & J. K. Rowling

Enter, wide-eyed, into the magical world of Lexington, Kentucky with everyone’s favorite wizarding expert as she spins a tale of magic and mystery! Having amassed an NCAA title, two Final Fours and a double digit number of players drafted into the NBA, there is only one logical explanation to John Calipari’s unrivaled success: the Magic Wand. The legend behind the mythical object is one that will leave you on the edge of your seat; watch as Calipari fights off the vitriol of the Reporter-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named as he inches his way closer and closer to the truth. Who bought you those shoes? Does anyone know where Jeanette Hislope can scarf a ticket? Only Calipari and his powerful Wand can save our program from such probing inquiries.

 

The Rupp Chronicles, John Calipari & Dan Brown

Are you a fan of historical inaccuracies? Do you believe in the Illuminati? Then this is the story for you. Follow along as Dan Brown takes us on an unforgettable ride into the bowels of Rupp Arena to get the story behind the story beside the story you think you’re reading. Is that really Richie Farmer painted on the Kentucky Sweet Sixteen mural, or something more sinister? When John Calipari comes across some ancient writings on the inside of one of Rupp’s famous ice cream cones, he begins a journey that will leave you speechless and begging for more; as Cal uncovers the secrets behind those sweet old men in blue coats, you will be shocked at how wrong you were about everything you thought you knew.

 

What Could Have Been, John Calipari & Nicholas Sparks

On a year-long trip to America, foreign exchange student A.W. falls in love with two women, each with their own unforgettable shade of blue. After decades months and months of sleepless nights and hand-wringing, A.W. chooses his future, leaving behind his southern love for the midwest. Experience the heartbreak that follows when Nicholas Sparks, master love novelist, brings us what’s next in A.W.’s tortured mind as he struggles to cope with what could have been. Through ignored phone calls and deleted texts, your heart will ache for the young man as he watches the one he let go find the type of love and bliss he may never experience.

 

The Curse Of The Joker’s Photoshops, John Calipari & R. L. Stine

Your children will go on a terrifying ride as R. L. Stine brings them into a world of thrills and chills. When the great people of Big Blue Nation realize their Twitter timelines have been littered with horrendous attempts at photoshopped rival players in the name of recruiting, they turn to the one man who knows a thing or two about recruiting success; John Calipari. As he takes on the evil forces behind a Quidditch-playing Harry Potter in Florida colors and a gator head Pac-Man, he realizes this isn’t a job he can do alone. Enter Mark Stoops, UK’s football savior and one man courageous enough to withstand another terrible photoshopped tweet. This dynamic duo will try and bring a sense of safety back to their fans as we all continue to wonder what is really going on in the Sunshine State.

 

The Kentucky Dead, John Calipari & Robert Kirkman

Cynthiana, Kentucky’s favorite zombie writer Robert Kirkman partners with John Calipari for a story that only they could tell. Following the events of April 8, 2013, a group of Kentucky fans awake to a situation that could only be described as the Apocalypse; will our normal, every day fans-turned-survivors be able to withstand the horrors that await them? Each page will leave you in awe as they encounter the dangers that lurk on the darkened, Crown Royal-littered streets of the Bluegrass State. With hordes of stumbling, tattoo-riddled, line bearded creatures approaching the group’s makeshift hideout, you will realize that there truly is an evil far worst than zombies: Louisville fans.

 

Fifty Shades of Blue, John Calipari & E.L. James

Join along for the fun as E.L. James, everyone’s favorite….ok, I can’t do this. I’m not touching this one.

 

Don’t forget to go grab Cal’s newest book before they are all sold out and make sure to keep an eye out for the above stories as they may be hitting bookshelves before you know it.

 

@TylerJohnsonKSR 

 

Article written by Tyler Johnson

12 Comments for John Calipari, The Author



  1. Bradley
    9:34 pm July 28, 2013 Permalink

    Wtf is this site doing?



  2. HicksPickSix
    9:45 pm July 28, 2013 Permalink

    I never thought I’d prefer to read Corey Nichols over anyone on this site…



  3. Rei
    9:48 pm July 28, 2013 Permalink

    I wonder if this is the same Tyler Johnson that went to UK. He always struck me as a dolt.



  4. Big Poppa Pump
    10:06 pm July 28, 2013 Permalink

    Cal needs to work out and lose that gut.



  5. Dylan
    12:01 am July 29, 2013 Permalink

    This is actually funny. What is wrong with all of you? Don’t you have a sense of humor?



  6. Hal
    1:45 am July 29, 2013 Permalink

    50 shades of blue?? ohhh b/c youre talking about big blue nation and 50 shades of grey. witty and hilarious………



  7. bobsacamano1969
    3:32 am July 29, 2013 Permalink

    I agree with number one. Wtf?



  8. Elmer Skaggs
    5:45 am July 29, 2013 Permalink

    A fish rots from the head



  9. good post
    8:08 am July 29, 2013 Permalink

    LOL at the “who up” reference and whole post in general.. made my Monday morning a little better



  10. BravoBigBlue
    8:53 am July 29, 2013 Permalink

    The book should already be written since Cal took a year off from coaching last season.



  11. Linda Taylor
    1:48 pm July 29, 2013 Permalink

    I am anxious to see what the collaboration with J.K. Rowling would bring. Surely a new sport combining basketball and quidditch would be part of it and would be fun to imagine. UK fans doing confundus charms under the breath during the UK-UL games would result in hilarious mistakes made by Russ Smith, et al. Just imagine if someone slipped some polyjuice potion with Karen Sypher’s hair in it to all the UL cheerleaders and dance team.



  12. hahaha
    1:49 pm July 29, 2013 Permalink

    Garbage piece. Quit