Why Jimmy Buffett, you ask?
It’s not his birthday; he didn’t die; he doesn’t have a new album out; and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been popped for happy drugs lately, although I can’t confirm that.
This week’s Thursday edition of the News and Views is dedicated to Jimmy Buffett because he’ll be at Riverbend in Cincinnati a week from today and this is my last night post before then. I’m going on vacation next week to see Buffett and the Coral Reefer Band in Noblesville, Indiana on Tuesday and then in Cincinnati, his favorite tour stop in the country, on Thursday. It’ll be my 11th and 12th Jimmy Buffett concerts and I expect both to be better than the last. It really gets better every year.
Now before you hate on Jimmy, his music, me, or my fellow parrotheads, let me paint a picture for you.
Close your eyes, if you will, and walk with me through Margaritaville.
(I guess you’ll have to keep at least one eye open to read. You get my point.)
You’re standing in a huge field of happiness and camaraderie on a gorgeous, sunny afternoon. You were wearing khaki shorts and your favorite golf shirt when you left the house this morning, but now you’re wearing a grass skirt, a coconut bra, and you have your right arm around an attractive lady and a giant pink plastic cup full of a delicious, fruity concoction in your left hand. You don’t know how any of them got there. Not the girl. Not the drink. And certainly not the coconut bra. Nor do you care. Your only concern is finding the next delicious, fruity concoction from a generous stranger. And maybe a hot dog, depending on what you ate for breakfast.
You start walking through the long rows of tailgaters and campsites, taking it all in and snapping pictures that won’t ever go on Facebook. Someone hands you a shot of tequila. You respectfully decline, because, well, it’s straight tequila and the sun is still up. They stare at you like you spit in their mother’s face. You take the tequila, smile and keep walking.
Oh, look, they’re wrestling in a baby pool full of ice. You take another picture and keep walking. Someone hands you a jello shot and proceeds to explain it to you like you’re a 90-year-old woman picking up an Xbox controller. They say, “I was up all night making these! I make the best! It’s my secret recipe!!!” They’re lying to you. It’s Jello. Everyone uses the same recipe. You take it anyway because it’s free and looks cold. It wasn’t cold. And it was terrible.
You keep walking. You see a giant wheel of death and the guy in the shark mask dares you to spin. You break down the odds in your head: 5% chance of winning the parrot-shaped beads; 10% chance of a ‘Free Spin’; 85% chance of winning a free shot of tequila. You groan, reach for the wheel, and brace for the worst.
“Dude! The rules clearly say you have to take a shot of tequila before you spin!”
Of course they do.
You spin. You didn’t win the beads and you don’t get to spin again. And they ran out of salt and limes hours ago.
You walk back to your own tailgating spot to rest and chug a Gatorade to refuel and replenish. You take a big swig. That wasn’t your Gatorade. That was your buddy’s Gatorade and he has a vodka problem. You lose all hope in humanity and turn up the music. At this point, the coconut bra is tied around your head, your phone is dead, you can’t stop smiling, and there is a new stranger under your arm. She reminds you of your 5th grade math teacher but that’s okay. Your 5th grade math teacher was kinda cool, anyway. You kiss her — on the cheek, of course.
You ask the guy in the authentic Captain Morgan suit for the time. He pours you a drink from his leather canteen and says, “Halfway there, mate!” The concert is six hours away. You say you don’t care because you’re having the time of your life. You should care, because the ticket was expensive as sh#t.
You get the urge to spin that wheel again. You really want those beads.
You start walking again. The girl follows. She is wearing the grass skirt and the coconut bra. You’re wearing her clothes. You don’t know when the switch went down. You laugh about it and she tells you what a fine young man you’ve grown up to be. You realize she is your 5th math teacher. You kiss her again — on the lips this time.
Oh, look, 14 new people joined the wrestling match in the baby pool of ice.
You scream, “WHOOOOOOOO BUFFETTTTTTT!!!!!!!” and land a textbook bellyflop right in the middle of them.
The day rolls on.
You get my point.
So, see you all there?
Look for George’s Tavern.
Wednesday was a very slow day for fans of UK news. That is the big story of the day: It was slow and uneventful. Let’s hope for an action-packed Thursday!
Kentucky fans got their first glimpse of Andrew and Aaron Harrison (outside of YouTube, of course) on Wednesday night when ESPNU aired the Houston Defenders game against Boo Williams from AAU Super Showcase from Orlando. Texas A&M football commit Derrick Griffin stole the show, but Brothers Harrison did not disappoint. Andrew and Aaron showed TV viewers all over the country why their names are towards the top of the class of 2013 rankings and No. 1 and 2 on Coach Cal’s big board.
Terrence Jones signed his paperwork to officially become a member of the Houston Rockets on Wednesday. T-Jones and Houston agreed to a two-year contract worth roughly $2.5 million. He’ll earn $1,237,500 in his first year and then $1,293,200 the next.
It appears Tennessee quarterback Tyler Bray is going to walk away free after throwing empty beer bottles and golf balls at parked vehicles in the parking lot of his apartment complex. The first accuser, who was scheduled to meet with a detective on Wednesday, dropped all charges after Bray offered to pay for the damages. Knoxville Police Department spokesman Darrell DeBusk said Bray reached out to her and apologized and is going to take care of the vehicle.
Vandalism to a second victim’s vehicle is still under investigation. She accuses Bray and his roommate of intentionally shattering her windshield on Monday afternoon as retaliation for calling the police on him Saturday night for throwing bottles.
Wes Rucker, a senior writer at GoVols247.com, shrugged the incident of as nothing, saying “bros will be bros.” He added, “I won’t be a hyprocrite about stupid college stuff. I once got tossed out of a bar for peeing in a sink.”
While I agree with Rucker that almost everyone has gotten drunk and done something stupid in college (I’ll save my personal stories for another time), I can’t say that I vandalized any vehicles, especially random vehicles in my apartment complex. To say “bros will be bros” and call this “stupid college stuff” is absurd. Bray and his roommate deserve some sort of punishment, at least from the school, if not from the law.
I still can’t believe he hasn’t been cited for possession of that back tattoo.
There is an APB out for Casual Gamer Reed. We have to find him. If you know his whereabouts or anyone who could provide any information about him, please contact me or Matt through the email addresses listed at the top of the site. A man that optimistic about UK football can’t hide forever. We need him to step out of the shadows and lead Big Blue Nation into the 2012-13 college football season. 12-0!
38 days until Kentucky vs. Louisville in Papa John’s Stadium…
Since 99.99% of you don’t even subscribe to the Herald-Leader, I’m going to go ahead and assume you don’t have a subscription to the Times of India – Hyderabad. So you probably missed this…
There’s nothing in there you didn’t already know, but now you can scratch “Read the Times of India – Hyderbad” off your bucket list.
In hip-hop news, rapper Starlito (formerly known as All-Star and All-Star Cashville Prince) referenced Anthony Davis on his new mixtape. On the freestyle “I Go Dumb,” Mr. Lito says, “Savages, all my [acquaintances] savages; and we stick together like the eyebrows of the number one draft pick.”
You can find it on YouTube but be careful if you decide to listen: The language is very graphic and the song is terrible. It’s so bad, you don’t even notice the language.
Thursday will be the last day of counting down to the 2012 Olympic Games in London. I don’t know about you, but I’m very excited about the opening ceremony Friday night. Beijing raised the bar four years ago with the drummers and billions of people dancing as one body, and I expect London to exceed the sights and sounds of that spectacle. I read somewhere online that Lord Voldemert (Harry Potter villain) is going to fight Mary Poppins at some point during the ceremony — that’s almost to weird to make up.
Corey Nichols will be here at 9:00 a.m. with one of his five best posts this week.