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Jason Rosen on UK-Vandy 2003 (I think)

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We are still looking for our next Blogger and have moved onto Round 2. The topic for this round was “Description of your favorite Kentucky REGULAR SEASON basketball game.” Everyone had free reign to go about it in their own chosen manner. Here is an entry:

FIELD TEST REPORT FOR WEAPON KA-24 TEST DATE 03/05/2003

PROJECT HISTORY: Project KA-24 was created in a joint project with the British government as a weapons system capable of delivering a precision nuclear strike to a confined area, maximum allowable range of blast zone set at 50’x 94’. This system was also designed to play the sport of basketball, though not it’s primary function. Weapon was built in the Tulsa, Oklahoma Victory Christian Weapons facility, designed to be a multi-role attack system in either guard or forward applications. Close-range payload delivery system worked beyond expectations and thrusters achieved orbital escape altitude in early lab tests. Payload control and guidance in the paint were found to operate more effectively at high velocities, and defensive functions were tested to be above average. Despite laser-targeting systems maintaining a 50% success rate in low level shooting capabilities, tests were limited under order of Gen. T. Smith until a later date, citing the need to develop projects such as the CH-44 Team Adhesive and the GF-4 Stealth Point Scorer. Order to test full operational capabilities in the field was given March 4, 2003 for detonation on March 5 at 2100 hrs. This weapon would be combined with vehicles in later stages of development to provide support for the project.

TEST: Testing was to be conducted at Rupp Nuclear Testing Facility with a population count around 24000. Test subjects for the experiment were 13 Naval officers from a small bastion of civilization in an otherwise intellectually barren wasteland, selected by their abilities to attempt to play basketball. 4 wranglers for the subjects were also used in the experiment and by association, became test subjects for the weapon. Attempts to challenge C.A.T. weapons systems by the test subjects proved ineffective from the beginning of the experiment, with all components performing at peak level. Garbage Point Accumulation Systems ME-50 and ED-14 paved the way for project KA-24 to begin short range air attacks to “soften” the target area before the primary attack was engaged. The strikes were flawless, a perfect 6/6 on-target impacts.

Most civilians were evacuated shortly before detonation of the basketball warhead to minimize casualties and an embarrassingly high point-to-counterpoint ratio was achieved before clearance was given to launch the weapon. The warhead was to be launched by a Hawkins fast strike system and bounced off the rim at an angle of 30 degrees to a height of 12’6”. This type of launch was necessary to test all ball tracking systems, ensuring accuracy and full incendiary capabilities upon impact. The ball was tracked, intercepted, and detonated successfully over test subject Russell Lakey, vaporizing him instantly. All 16 test subjects involved were incinerated almost immediately and their egos were found only in trace amounts around the blast site. Nothing else was recovered from the test subjects but the area was littered with black and gold fabric saturated with urine and shame. The experiment ended with a 62 pt blast diameter, proving to the world that such a weapon existed. Footage was recovered from several angles. The camera located at the edge of the test area recorded this angle:

Footage from inside the blast zone was also recovered, and you can see the devastation:

POST TEST RESULTS: Successful detonation of the basketball and complete destruction of test subjects led many to call for a ban on such weapons systems and for the project to be closed down. Opinions ranging from “it was awe-inspiring” to “why would they do that to a high school JV team?” were collected from witnesses. Debates on the morality of its use were argued in senate sub-committees and it was judged that the efficacy of the test had proven that it was too powerful for any one country to possess. The machine was thought to have been unstoppable, dismantling teams at will. The campaign finally failed when a natural disaster known now as Hurricane Wade of the Golden Eagle Tournament Plague. The KA-24 remained effective but never was tested at its full capabilities again. It was released into combat quickly and developed into a surprisingly existent NBA career, now being used in the California War against the Zen Empire of the Lakes.

MATT’s TAKE:

Wow…I am not even sure what to say about this. I thought Fake Gimel wrote things that I didnt understand. This was certainly high concept and no one will ever accuse you of playing it safe. An absolute feast of subtle mentions and a diverse way of looking at the topic, no one will ever accuse you of copying other’s works. This is hard for me to judge because I love the creativity, but it took me a long time to even know what the hell you were talking about. I am impressed with that and being difficult to understand is not necessarily bad. But it is strange.

I would like to know what others think…I officially can say it is baffling to me. What say you guys?

Article written by Matt Jones