And so it comes. The end of a memorable era of Kentucky basketball is upon us. Jared Carter, seven-foot wunderkind will take the floor at Rupp for the last time, thus closing the books on a career much ballyhooed. While we spend this time looking back on all the things Jared Carter has done to improve our lives (whether on the floor for five or 15 minutes), the departing big man must think about his future in the vaunted ‘real-world.’ Luckily, Jared is as forward thinking as they come (much moreso than I, who put writing this post off until just a short while ago) and already has the ball rolling on finding an appropriate career path.
KSR has managed to obtain a copy of the results of Jared’s latest career placement test, which matches the marketable skills a graduate possesses with career opportunities and openings that utilize those skills. Jared’s talent is vast and his abilities are many, so he could succeed in virtually any path he chooses, but here are the ones most suited for today’s special little guy.
Skill: Reaching over crowds for the purpose of handing out water/sports drinks
This skill suits you for a position as: Pink Slip Administrator
In difficult economic times, businesses are laying off and terminating workers at an alarming rate. This only means career opportunities are emerging in new areas, and one of these is the field of employee termination. As companies struggle to cut costs, many are attempting to abandon mailing out pink slips. Instead, they’re using people like you, who can perform all the functions necessary to this process. First, they must be able to attract a group of employees to stand near them, which the standard issue Milton Berle mask will accomplish if your spectacular height does not. Then, they must be able to reach out to the people to hand out their termination papers and catch any future former employees who attempt to run away. Your background in human tracking will also serve you well here.
Skill: 40% success rate on all shot attempts
This skill suits you for a position as: University of Louisville Football consultant
Typically, jobs based on past success rates are reserved for those whose rates are exceptionally high, but there are unique positions like the one listed here at Louisville. At UofL, on top of striving to win 40% of their games, there are several other statistics they are hoping to move towards 40. The first is the average IQ of their coaching staff and team. Now, simply breaking into double digits would be a victory, but your abilities make their dreams and goals realistic. In some cases, Louisville is looking to bring down statistics to 40%. Most notably among these is its recidivism rate. We’re directing all those who qualify as ‘miracle worker’ accordingly.
Skill: Bachelor’s Degree in Community Communication and Leadership Development
This skill suits you for a position as: University of Kentucky Basketball consultant
Our research indicates that there is no community more in need of improved communication and the development of leadership than the Kentucky basketball program.
Skill: Exceedingly tall whiteness
This skill suits you for a position as: Professional wingman
This listing comes from an individual employer, identified as Jatt Mones, seeking someone who is taller and whiter than he and can perform very specific job functions, listed as follows:
1: Arrive at club roughly thirty (30) minutes prior to employer, wearing shirt unbuttoned to reveal extreme pastiness
2: Purchase one (1) drink that includes an umbrella
3: Make one (1) complete lap, stopping in each designated area until someone notices and comments on your height/whiteness or flitty drink
4: Alert employer about possible target females; hit on them accordingly; mention how you’d be better looking if you were shorter and more pale, but with a mop top; spill umbrella drink on target female
5: Await employer’s arrival near door
6: Keeping a no-less-than ten (10) foot buffer zone, dance and/or stand in the vicinity of the employer, staying in sight line of target females
7: Execute at least five (5) thematic dance moves, i.e. the shopping cart or reverse osmosis water filter
8: Stay for the duration of employer’s courtship
9: Hurl obscenities at target females when courtship fails
10: Purchase potato soup for the team
So stop worrying about our boy JC. While the NBA may not be in his future, it looks like Jared’s well on his way to being seven feet of success in whichever career path he chooses.
I can honestly say that there has never been a Kentucky player that I’ve been more excited to see in at the end of a game than you, Jared Carter. It wasn’t Todd Svoboda or Matt Heisenbuttel and it especially wasn’t Steve Masiello. And no matter what persons or personalities may grace the floor in the dying moments of a blowout, you’ll always be the best and my favorite. Good luck out there in the real world and please, throw one down for us tomorrow night. Adios.