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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

If Kentucky basketball was a fireworks show

uk-fireworks

Fireworks, barbecue, picnics, baseball, parades, drinks. You name it, the Fourth of July has some of the best things in the world, outside of UK basketball, incorporated into one holiday. Whether you’re spending it in the city watching the government-funded entertainment, or out on the lake having your own fun, have a happy Fourth of July, Big Blue Nation! I hope you all have a fun and safe Independence Day celebrating this great country. To honor the occasion, I took the liberty of assigning each player on the basketball team a specific firework. When you’re firing off your lot tonight, think of your favorite player and do it for him.

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lee-snake  Marcus Lee: Charcoal snakes

A small backyard magic trick, these tiny pellets grow into an ashen serpent when lit. Marcus Lee might be “small” and undetected right now, but once the fire is lit (and it might be already) he has the potential to take off into something huge. Don’t sleep on Lee because he’s quiet.

young-firecrackers  James Young: Firecrackers

One of the most basic fireworks any young boy or girl can get their hands on. Firecrackers are a solid stand-by and reliable all day long during your Fourth of July celebration. James Young might be underrated versus the rest of the headliners in Kentucky’s class but he’ll always be there and will always be a fun addition to the lineup.

 aaron-smoke Aaron Harrison: Smoke bombs

Among the many tasks that will be assigned to him on offense, one very valuable asset Aaron Harrison can bring to the table is defense. Like a smothering smoke bomb, Aaron must utilize and constantly improve his defensive skills if this team wants to go far in March. Coach Calipari has already said he will be looking to him as a sparkplug and demanded to be a lock-down defender.

polson-bottlerocket  Jarrod Polson: Bottle rockets

Another solid backyard toy for the kiddos, bottle rockets — and modifications to your bottle rockets, like taping a wad of them together, or ripping the sticks off and tossing them in the air while playing “dodge the rocket” — is the childhood boy’s nirvana. The perfect Fourth of July. They can pack a punch; I speak from experience. Polson is like a little bottle rocket for this team, always there, always going full speed ahead.

hood-snappers  Jon Hood: Snappers

These little paper snappers buried in sawdust are fun for the kids. But what happened to John Hood and his career at Kentucky can be summed up in one short phrase: “Aww, snap.” It just never panned out the way many Cats fans thought it would during his recruitment with Billy Clyde.

andrew-powercell  Andrew Harrison: “Powercell”

Twenty-five shots of red, green, white, and blue cracklers… Kentucky lacked a real “powercell” last season without a point guard or any true leader. With so much talent coming in, someone will have to step up and be the frontrunner for the squad. I see no better fit than Andrew Harrison.

malone-bostonteaparty  Sam Malone: “Boston Tea Party”

This firework shoots 12 red and green pearls, with alternating blue and yellow cracklers. No idea why they call it a “Boston Tea Party” but Sam Malone is from Scituate, Mass. which is about 30 miles away from Boston. Sounds good to me.

cauleystein-doubletake  Willie Cauley-Stein: “Double Take” rack

This finale rack features various effects with glittering centers and a crackling barrage. It’s going to impress. If Willie Cauley-Stein ups his game with a second season in Lexington, the post presence combined with Dakari Johnson and Julius Randle will be tough to handle and surely make anyone double take.

lanter-sparkler  Tod Lanter: Sparklers

No party is complete without boxes on boxes of sparklers, and no Wildcat team is complete without a little Tod. The quality Fourth of July item is just one of those things you get by default, and the same can be said about a Championship caliber team: you need those solid practice players.

poythress-attitudeadjustment  Alex Poythress: “Attitude Adjustment”

This 500-gram 12-shooter packs a serious punch for your nighttime enjoyment, and that is exactly what Alex Poythress brings to the table… If he gets an attitude adjustment. Not a major knock on the young kid, because it’s not a serious flaw or something which cannot be fixed. But if he gets his mind right, good things will happen.

floreal-bluestreak  EJ Floreal: “Blue Streak” rocket

This huge rocket flies high and displays large brilliant blue stars with silver flying fish. Floreal is a new resident of Lexington and the newest member of the Wildcat basketball team, but he brings that beautiful “blue streak” of Big Blue Nation pride with him.

hawkins-satellite  Dominique Hawkins: Artificial Satellite

Found in most supermarket value packs, this little guy spins upwards and emits showers of sparks, lasting only a few seconds. For a point guard, Dominique Hawkins has a nice vertical jump that has impressed a number of people. He has no problem dunking the basketball, something many point guards do struggle with.

randle-thermobaricwarheads  Julius Randle: “Thermobaric Warheads”

A thermobaric bomb uses mid-air blast waves to produce its devastating damage, just like this firework of powerful 16-shots of red, silver, green, purple, and gold. Quite simply; Julius Randle is going to be dropping bombs all season long.

long-tanks  Brian Long: Tanks

These tanks with little wheels actually move forward and fire three little blasts of sparks and smoke. They are cool to watch battle, but don’t really see a lot of action during the party. Brian Long is a cool guy, but just doesn’t get a whole lot of praise.

willis-romancandle  Derek Willis: Roman candles

These bad boys can be treated mildly, launching them softly into the air one-by-one. But you can really ramp it up once you start shooting them at your friends. You can go either way: lame-o or hardcore. Nobody really knows what we’re getting with Derek Willis, we know he’s certainly more than a one-and-done, but what lies beyond that is anybody’s guess.

johnson-30kthunder  Dakari Johnson: “30K Thunder Strings”

The only purpose of this firework is to make noise and make a lot of it for a long time. We all know those beauties. Setting off neighbors car alarms and waking the grumpy curmudgeons already in bed. Dakari Johnson enters Kentucky as a solid mass of inside muscle and he can bring the thunder. Just wait for it.

Article written by Stuart Hammer

B.S. Broadcast Journalism from the University of Kentucky. @StuartHammerKSR

21 Comments for If Kentucky basketball was a fireworks show



  1. frankthetank
    3:24 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    Dumb. Just shut ur face bro.



  2. This Post=
    3:25 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    Awful



  3. frankthetank
    3:27 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    getting kicked in the nuts > reading this crap



  4. OMGMattyG
    3:34 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    It’s official. We’ve run out of things to talk about. All Gillispie stories have been told. All Oscar Combs conspiracy theories have been released. All arbitrary player comparisons have been made.

    We’re done. Barrel empty.



  5. Bradley
    3:37 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    Speaking of things that blow up in your face. This post.



  6. CatGrad7072
    3:41 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    4: Yup; barrel empty and hole has been scrapped in the bottom.



  7. Coach Durbin
    3:51 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    Dang folks, asshole much? Good idea Stu. No bees? I love those crazy little things, you never know where they are gonna go. Cliff Hawkins would be the perfect comparison historically but Im not sure it fits anyone for this team.



  8. BigBlue
    4:07 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    This is rediculous



  9. unapreeseeated
    4:09 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    Tanks don’t appreciate the role they have in combat.



  10. Cat lover
    4:10 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    Ricky P. was told to “Lockup Not Knockup”



  11. site update
    4:10 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    Coming soon.



  12. THANKS AMERICA!
    4:22 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    This is a great day. I know we all appreciate our independence and freedom. Thanks!



  13. I Guess
    4:49 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    I will cut these guys some slack since its a holiday. But this is ba



  14. Mike
    4:58 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    I read somewhere that the twins actually are enrolled in some classes and are staying around during the summer. They just won’t have the same class load. Idk about James young though. Confirm or deny anyone?



  15. Jeffrey
    5:01 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    I’d include Kyle Wiltjer until is officially not a wildcat



  16. capt
    5:19 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    this post is almost as bad as the one above it.



  17. atlantacat
    5:22 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    Stuart, I have no problem with your post but I do have a big problem with grammar. Your headline should read. “If Kentucky Basketball Were a Fireworks Show.” If is a supposition and requires a plural verb. You should know this. As soon as I saw that, I didn’t read the article.



  18. TT's Fake Boobs and Rat Face
    6:09 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    More crap. What the Hell has happened to KSR? I have been reading since 2007 and this site has hit the bottom.



  19. CrimsonCee
    10:30 pm July 4, 2013 Permalink

    I thought you guys were eating this up until i saw the comments. You guys thought this was stupid, too. It is unquestionably the dumbest thing ever posted on the Internet and so obsessive that i worry the author is auditioning to become the fluffer for pre (and post)-game escapades. I mean, you just wrote a massive text to jerk off a bunch of college kids, most of whom have never played a game for your team! Pathetic.



  20. True Blue No Doubt
    10:27 am July 5, 2013 Permalink

    Read this yesterday and thought it was awful. Saw it again today and just had to post that this was the biggest waste of time. Not just for the readers, but how much time did Mr Hammer waste putting this crap together. Awful!



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    2:53 pm July 5, 2013 Permalink

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