The United States of America, the land that you and I love, was founded over 236 years ago on principles of courage, equality and fairness. It was founded to form a more perfect union and to establish justice. America was founded to insure domestic tranquility and to provide for the common defense; to promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty to all. American was founded on freedom. America was founded to be great.
But what if things were different? What if our Founding Fathers — those noble political leaders and statesmen who signed the Declaration of Independence, fought in the American Revolutionary War, and established the United States Constitution — were different?
What if our Founding Fathers were Louisville fans?
I imagine this fine country of ours would be a lot different.
What would George Washington be like?
He and his men would’ve been caught dead in their tracks on the Delaware River once the Hessian forces heard the Ying Yang Twins blasting from the 15-inch subwoofers in the back of the Durham boat. And even if the echoing sounds of “Shake It Like A Salt Shaker” didn’t alarm enemy forces in Trenton, the unmistakable smell of smoke from the crew’s Black ‘N Milds, coasting across the frozen water like a dark cloud in the night, would’ve been impossible to hide. The now famous operation, known for its surprise attack, would’ve been a complete failure and quite possibly changed the outcome of the American Revolutionary War.
How would the American flag look?
Would it be infrared, white and blue?
Or would Betsy Ross use all of her husband’s old Crown Royal bags as fabric to create a purple banner with gold trim?
What about Abraham Lincoln?
His iconic beard and top hat would’ve looked significantly different.
What about the monumental photos from our military?
The Battle of Iwo Jima was immortalized by Joe Rosenthal’s photograph of the raising of the U.S. flag.
But what if that flag was only raised at Iwo Jima for Louisville fans to grind on?
Who would our political leaders be?
Who’s to say Richard Nixon would’ve beaten out this guy to become the 37th President of the United States?
Watergate is one of America’s most notorious political scandals, but it wouldn’t hold a candle to Bongwatergate and other potentially disastrous events under an all-Louisville administration. The thought alone is terrifying.
What about American sex symbols?
Innocence would be lost.
STDs would be airborne as soon as she stood over a vent.
Farrah Fawcett would be fat.
Would we have the same “Dreams”?
“I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Shelbyville, the sons of former Louisville football players and the sons of former Louisville football players’ parole officers will be able to sit down together and write hip-hop lyrics for an #L1C4 YouTube video.
“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a Card Nation where they will not be judged by the brim of their hat, but by the diameter and curvature of their facial hair.”
Dreams would be so different.
What about art?
That pitchfork would have a whole new meaning.
God Bless America.