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What If Our Founding Fathers Were Louisville Fans?

The United States of America, the land that you and I love, was founded over 236 years ago on principles of courage, equality and fairness. It was founded to form a more perfect union and to establish justice. America was founded to insure domestic tranquility and to provide for the common defense; to promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty to all. American was founded on freedom. America was founded to be great.

But what if things were different? What if our Founding Fathers — those noble political leaders and statesmen who signed the Declaration of Independence, fought in the American Revolutionary War, and established the United States Constitution — were different?

What if…

What if our Founding Fathers were Louisville fans?

I imagine this fine country of ours would be a lot different.

 

What would George Washington be like?

He and his men would’ve been caught dead in their tracks on the Delaware River once the Hessian forces heard the Ying Yang Twins blasting from the 15-inch subwoofers in the back of the Durham boat. And even if the echoing sounds of “Shake It Like A Salt Shaker” didn’t alarm enemy forces in Trenton, the unmistakable smell of smoke from the crew’s Black ‘N Milds, coasting across the frozen water like a dark cloud in the night, would’ve been impossible to hide. The now famous operation, known for its surprise attack, would’ve been a complete failure and quite possibly changed the outcome of the American Revolutionary War.

 

How would the American flag look?

Would it be infrared, white and blue?

Or would Betsy Ross use all of her husband’s old Crown Royal bags as fabric to create a purple banner with gold trim?

 

What about Abraham Lincoln?

His iconic beard and top hat would’ve looked significantly different.

#L1C4ScoreAnd7YearsAgo

 

What about the monumental photos from our military?

The Battle of Iwo Jima was immortalized by Joe Rosenthal’s photograph of the raising of the U.S. flag.

But what if that flag was only raised at Iwo Jima for Louisville fans to grind on?

 

Who would our political leaders be?

Who’s to say Richard Nixon would’ve beaten out this guy to become the 37th President of the United States?

Watergate is one of America’s most notorious political scandals, but it wouldn’t hold a candle to Bongwatergate and other potentially disastrous events under an all-Louisville administration. The thought alone is terrifying.

 

What about American sex symbols?

Innocence would be lost.

STDs would be airborne as soon as she stood over a vent.

Farrah Fawcett would be fat.

 

Would we have the same “Dreams”?

“I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Shelbyville, the sons of former Louisville football players and the sons of former Louisville football players’ parole officers will be able to sit down together and write hip-hop lyrics for an #L1C4 YouTube video.

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a Card Nation where they will not be judged by the brim of their hat, but by the diameter and curvature of their facial hair.”

Dreams would be so different.

 

What about art?

That pitchfork would have a whole new meaning.

 

God Bless America.

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

80 Comments for What If Our Founding Fathers Were Louisville Fans?



  1. Jarrod
    12:02 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Absolutely awesome



  2. juice
    12:02 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    This is too good! #louisvillehateday



  3. PorchDrinking
    12:03 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Keep the hits rolling Drew! PorchDrinking.com would like to join in on the #LouisvilleHateDay fun! http://www.porchdrinking.com/louisvillehateday/



  4. JDH
    12:04 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Abe’s line beard…classic!



  5. Any way
    12:05 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Nice but Matt built it up to much.



  6. Wildcatgal
    12:06 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    I’ve sat in front of my computer for four hours this morning and laughed myself silly. The day is wasted, but what fun!



  7. Rachel
    12:06 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    perfect and hysterical…great work!



  8. Setters
    12:08 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Golden!! hahahaha



  9. Wildcat4life
    12:08 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Epic



  10. Twitter Account Denied
    12:09 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Friggin awesome! Love Abe’s line beard.



  11. KYCatPhish
    12:09 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Absolutely classic! But seriously, where can I get a Crown Royal flag? I could definitely sell those at the tailgate this weekend.



  12. SexnNursinHomes
    12:11 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    This might be one of Franklin’s best. Absolute classic. The Linebeard Abe Lincoln and Crown Royal Betsy Ross flag doesn’t get any better than that.

    KSR #1



  13. kramer
    12:11 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Oh my goodness, hilarious…LOVE Abe’s linebeard and earring!! Go Cats!!!



  14. South Carolina Tim
    12:11 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Drew Franlin for President! Awesome job.



  15. MacGruber
    12:11 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    I am getting no work done today. LMAO!



  16. CardNationz
    12:12 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Let’s finish the new national anthem. I’ll start.

    “I pledge allegiance to DA’ VILLE…”

    Go.



  17. Another Perspective
    12:13 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    You’re gonna have a tough time next year. That bar is gettin’ pretty high!



  18. Slappy
    12:14 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Holy hell, I lost it when I saw the Abe Lincoln picture! Great work, Drew.



  19. TheNewOriginal
    12:14 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Awesome job.



  20. Michael
    12:15 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    On track to be the best set of hate day posts ever. Drew has been in the deep end of the think tank.



  21. Steely Dan
    12:16 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    That Abe Lincoln picture. Man oh man. I wish there were words to describe the laughter



  22. UK Terry
    12:17 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    13) Not to mention the flat bill stove top hat.



  23. Travis
    12:18 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    I don’t know the state of Kentucky or the UK/UL rivalry very well at all, but something about this seems inherently racist. Constant talk of rap, black ‘n milds, etc. Plus there seems to be many more black UL fans than black UK fans. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a black UK fan, actually.



  24. SexnNursinHomes
    12:19 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Abe still making me laugh haha

    Just imagine Lincoln saying “Waddup dog”



  25. HillbillyInBC
    12:20 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    I think I cracked a rib laughing at that last line.



  26. Hartline
    12:20 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    We really need to win this game.



  27. Truth
    12:21 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    23, your post is what you think this is



  28. Crazy Cat Lady
    12:22 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Abe Lincoln with a line beard made me spit out my coffee. I laughed through the rest of the post! Classic stuff!



  29. bluefan
    12:23 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Genius!



  30. jpizzle
    12:25 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    OK, a few smiles until BOOM, I get Abe Lincoln re imagined as a card fan. That was a belly laugh and then the perfect cap was the new “American Gothic” painting. I guess it would be “L1C4 Gothic” now. Brilliant stuff Drew!



  31. thewaitfor8
    12:25 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    The attention to detail is classic. Porcinis in the back of the Pitchfork picture! This was the best so far.



  32. MacGruber
    12:26 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Abraham Lincoln Cardnail Slayer.



  33. question
    12:28 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    does lady liberty have a dip in?



  34. sean
    12:29 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    OOOOHHHH

    Kanada



  35. jbone
    12:29 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    The Iwo Jima picture is going to be hard to top



  36. Crazy Cat Lady
    12:30 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Ha! Just noticed that the Gettsburg Address was changed to #L1C4 and Seven Years Ago! Too, too funny!!!



  37. Common Sense
    12:30 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Drew Franklin is a master with that photoshop. Hilarious.



  38. the ghost of Bill Hicks
    12:30 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Love the Farrah Fawcet poster…..classic!



  39. CATandMONKEY
    12:32 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Drew, LEGENDARY post! However, Lady Liberty is sporting an “L” with her right hand that actually faces the correct direction……A true fan of daville would be throwing up a “j”…from the perspective of the viewer.

    L1C4scoreandsevenyearsago……..epic.



  40. MustangCat
    12:33 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Oh man! Hope ya’ll send this to the UL posts! Classic stuff. #1 for me is Marylnn Sipher and JAmes Dean Pitino! But Abe is a close second. I hope we win, and think we will, but i never wanna “grind” out another one over UL!



  41. [email protected]
    12:34 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    A Louisville Prayer:

    Our Cardinals, who art not in class, flattened be thy brim.
    Thy coach will come, his will be done, for fifteen seconds at least.
    Give us this day our daily Crown, and forgive us our line beards as we forgive those who linebeard against us.
    Lead us not into Rupp Arena, and Deliver us from Cal.
    For thine is the bucket, and the pizza pit, and the rap songs.
    LIC4 (Amen)



  42. Kaboom
    12:36 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    It is pointless for me to be at work right now!



  43. Matt
    12:39 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Best Louisville hate day ever!!!



  44. philip
    12:40 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Not sure why anyone is trying to top you Drew (but the prayer was OK), thanks for that, just keep topping yourself.



  45. gr8ness
    12:41 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    @23…Move along nothing to see here. None of this is racist, just outside observations of lil’ bro. Go to one UK vs UofLOL game and enjoy the show. People watching is the best entertainment……………



  46. Derek
    12:42 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Abe Lincoln with flat bill and line beard…absolutley creative…LMAO! You guys are on fire!



  47. RUPPS_rhetoric
    12:42 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    23- Travis) That’s just it. It’s not their black fans we’re making fun of. They’re the cool ones. It’s their white fans that are so ridiculous. If there are any racist jokes going on here its at the white people. The 20 something white boys who want nothing more than to be black is what makes this so funny. Maybe that’s racism, I just think it’s funny.



  48. Tom Jurich's Turtleneck
    12:45 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    I heard the UofL football team all made A’s this year at UofL. Next year, they are going to teach them how to write the letter B.



  49. Hilarious!
    12:50 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Best Louisville Hate post ever! That’s funny right there….I don’t care who you are.



  50. ElmerFudd
    12:52 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    One of the best post I have EVER seen! Great job.



  51. Joker, Smoker, Midnight Toker
    12:52 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Love the chicken bucket and “L1C4” engraved on the tablet with Lady Liberty.



  52. NotFooled
    12:53 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Please 23, you’re trying to come off as some unbiased spectator making an observation but you failed. I’m white and I love rap. I don’t love Black N Milds but if you’re insinuating that only black people smoke them, you are being racist. There is nothing about race in the posts and most of the pics KSR posts (most, not all) are of the white Loserville fans. It’s the white ones that make themselves stand out so much with their stupid tattoos and line beards. If you don’t know any black UK fans then you must live in a bubble, or just not live close to KY. I’m sure there are many more black UK fans than UofL, as UK has more fans around the entire state than UofL. Hell just got to Fan Outfitters and sit there for 5 minutes and you’ll see some black UK fans.



  53. Those SPD guys
    12:57 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    get over the racist crap. You could say the sky is blue and someone would find a way to say that its a racist remark.



  54. MattD
    1:04 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Drew is the best, absolutely kills it!



  55. Rockfield, KY
    1:06 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    23. So when you think of Black & Milds, you automatically think of black people? Who are you calling a racist?



  56. L1C4 BABY!!
    1:12 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    First off all I am a huge UofL fan, I am white, I do not have a “line beard”, and I do not wear my hats with a flat bill. I assume that this post is not supposed to be representative of all UofL fans, but at least when we win games, we don’t throw furniture out in the street and set it on fire. UK fans are the most arrogant fans in college sports, and feel that they are better than everyone else. I cannot wait until Monday morning when I walk into work and see all of the UK fans who are hating on the Cards this week. At least we have a football coach that is actually worth a damn.



  57. sobriquet
    1:14 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Drew has always known that the difference between something good and something great really IS attention to detail



  58. UKRN
    1:15 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Awesome! Drew you killed it!



  59. dcKY76
    1:21 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Wish Drew would write a parody or have a day dedicated to ilove#L1C4



  60. Steve Kragthorpe
    1:22 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    56- Where were you when I was the coach. Seemed like there were no football fans during my tenure. At least when Billy Clyde screwed up bball the fans were still there. Louisville fans make me puke. I hear the weather won’t be to fair this weekend. Will the fans show? Luck Fouisville



  61. Seabass90
    1:23 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    It just keeps getting better as the day goes on…



  62. crs1089
    1:23 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    56 – You’re going to work on Monday?



  63. Steve Kragthorpe
    1:24 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    62. Haha, yeah WackArnolds doesn’t close for Labor Day.



  64. bbmike
    1:31 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    #56-no one really thinks that ALL ul fans have line beards and flat brim hats. We just agree that ul leads the country in line beards per capita, flat bill hats per capita, swisher sweets with filters per capita and coaches that have a max of 15 seconds of fame…per capita. Ask the fans of other schools in the city-they agree with our research. L2CUSunday



  65. Linda Taylor
    1:42 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    56-Look, about the burned couches, you are talking about drunk college kids being drunk college kids here, not regular fans and you should know that and it wasn’t just about winning games, it was beating you all in the Final Four and then the National Championship, two very BIG games. UL hasn’t won a national title since 86 so you have no idea how your college students would have reacted had you won last year’s championship. Let’s just wait and see, you very well may have to eat your words if you do win the NCAA. I have met some UK fans that are indeed arrogant, but they are no more arrogant than UL fans. I have met a few decent UL fans, but they are usually of an older generation that learned manners when they were young. You can talk all you want to about how great your coach is, but you still lost to FIU and Marshall at home last year and he is only 2 games over 500 in a weak football conference. If he really does turn out to be a great coach, rest assured, you won’t be able to keep him. No matter what you think, another school with much more prestige will scoop him up. Plus there is the cloud hanging over the school of the coach he brought from Miami and the possibility that he will get your school in trouble before he departs to greener pastures. In the end, instead of singing Charlie Strong’s praises, you may be cursing his name.



  66. bec
    1:47 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Absolute Genius. Grateful I’m alive today for #LouisvilleHateDay.



  67. Hayley Minogue
    2:01 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    it never gets old to me drew…. never. love it.



  68. RYNO
    2:01 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    56) Exactly. Anyone with a job is desparately looking forward to having Monday off! lol..

    Drew Franklin- Brilliant PS work my man. Just brilliant.



  69. BBNinHawaii
    2:23 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Drew you are killing it today!! That photoshop of Abraham Lincoln will now come to mind everytime I see another photo of him.



  70. back2reality
    2:39 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    60 – that’s just it, U of L fans are smarter, as a whole, than the mindless zombies that screech-out “GO CATS!” as often as the hit their wives for not bringing them another Milwaukee’s Best Light. Card fans didn’t support Kragthorpe.. So a person of reasonable intellect would naturally not show up. It’s thesporty hong fans can do get change within a sports team, not by blindly following and then piss and moan about it on the postgame kitty call-in show.



  71. CliffFrankLou
    2:40 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    23, you’ve never seen a black UK fan? Wow….you need to get out more. You obviously have never been to a game at Rupp Arena or Commonwealth Stadium, or even walked around Lexington.



  72. Steve Kragthorpe
    2:57 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    back2reality- Ok let me see if I can understand your logic here. You state in your argument that you did not support me. Fair enough, but aren’t you supposed to support your school? That seems to be your way of bashing Cal and the one and dones. How do you all say it, they don’t play for the name on the front of the jersey? You don’t show up for your TEAM due to their coach. UK fans did NOT support BCG, yet Rupp Arena was still packed. Now I would assume that you see yourself as a person of “resonable intellect.” That being said, your comment about hitting wives and what not, you must be confused because I believe that was a certain UofL athlete named Preston Knowles. (The Tale of the Girlfried and the Hairbrush) Oh and the beast is wonderful (Milwaaukee’s Best) Us poor hillbillies can’t afford that fancy Crown Royal. Eat Shi* bro.



  73. CardRealityIsDelusion
    3:00 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    70 thanks for the entertainment. Saying UofL fans are smarter than any fan base is hilarious! Keep the jokes coming!



  74. IsThatEnglish??
    3:03 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    post 70 – the best part of someone trying to show superior intelligence on an internet post is when they make mistakes in their comments while doing so. “It’s thesporty hong fans can do get change”…wth are you trying to say there, genius?



  75. wannabe
    3:11 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    23. Its just that there is soooooo many u of l fans that think they are black. Hilarious. Louisville is a notorious city for wannabes. Disgusting



  76. king cat
    3:18 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Is it just me, or does Abe look like Clark Gable with his linebeard?



  77. DerbyDemon
    3:49 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Could someone please TRANSLATE what that SMART UofL fan said?



  78. DerbyDemon
    3:49 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Oh, I should have included #70 for ID purposes…



  79. UL Sucks Donkey Balls
    5:08 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    23. It can’t be racist when it describes the white, male suburbanites that steal and make a mockery of another culture. Plus the fact that you played the race card only confirms that we’re right.



  80. back2reality
    9:20 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Steve – a lot of the people that root for the school I am partial to ARE idiots. I’m sure you and I can agree on that. What I am arguing about is the fact that there are more uneducated mouth breathers that “bleed blue,” just in Louisville, than ones that cheer for U of L. It’s ridiculous how many of you all I encounter that are unhappy with Joker’s regression last year, yet will continue to drink, tailgate and the fill that second-rate excuse for a football stadium each week. The definition of stupidity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result each time. Wake up you sheep, and change your alcoholic habits if you want a better product on the field. But maybe you don’t care… After all you’re a bball school. I hope you all enjoyed your “hate day.” It merely looks like an attempt to keep yourself amused and laughing until basketball season arrives. And that’s a whole different discussion.