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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Hello, Tennessee Fans

bruce-pearl-true-lies

Hello Tennessee fans! It’s that time of year again where you get to redeem the remainder of your gift card to the Alimony salon for the second of two ass waxings at no cost to you. Just sit back, bite down on something leathery (Pat Summit keep your shirt on), and know that it will all be over in forty minutes. Do not fear, as the pain of Sundays treatment will be quickly forgotten when the NCAA borrows Jimmy Dykes’ “nail” in a few weeks and shoves it directly up your “Cumberland Cavern”. Bruce, you must know by now that governing bodies do not take kindly to mistakes of veracity and candor towards their investigations. That really should have been a lesson you learned when the ex, Kim Shrigley, wouldn’t accept “individual workouts” as the stated reason for your fingers smelling like cat food after attending 2007 fall student orientation.

What? You thought that an eight game suspension for conference games would appease the Gods of Indianapolis for lying directly to their face when they had photo evidence to the contrary? Yeah, that is about as likely as finding a leprechaun, a unicorn, and a hymen all in Charlie Sheen’s boudoir. The faith that self-imposed punishments will satisfy the NCAA is as misplaced as a Randolph Morris fax or Billy G’s Titleist.

UT fans, it is time to wake up and see your coach for what he’s worth. Pearl has been turned away at more sweet sixteens than Roman Polanski. Last season’s Elite 8 was much like when Cinderella finally made it to the ball – yeah, I know, she coughed – before anything terribly good happened, her dress went to hell, the horses turned into mice, and the carriage turned back into a bright orange Pearl. See UT fans, Cindy tried to hide her flaws behind a well padded bra, a bump-it, and spanx, but in the end, the wheels came off at midnight. UT, when the NCAA tags your school, you’ll definitely know what time it is. Except, in your case, there will be no happy ending, save what Natural Light fueled tug Brucie can coax in a cove at Norris Lake. UT bball fans already know this, but the only ‘glass slippers’ to be found in Knoxville are size 12 Timberlands and they belong to your women’s coach.

If you’re lucky, UT, Sunday will be the last time this calendar year UK will have to hear you scream out your safe word. But then again…. there is always Atlanta. Just grunt or stomp or whatever it is you people in TN do whenever you fake like you ‘read’ something.

Peace and chicken grease,

TH

CC: Hubert B. Going to Atlanta

Article written by Turkey Hunter

39 Comments for Hello, Tennessee Fans



  1. Timp
    11:33 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    HATE DAY!



  2. Shields Eyes
    11:37 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Wow.



  3. The Real Pioneer
    11:39 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    TROY MCKINLEY COULDN’T HAVE SAID IT ANY BETTER HIMSELF! WELL DONE!



  4. Mr. Green Jeans
    11:40 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Flat out hilarious!



  5. Snitches
    11:40 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Tell em’ how you really fell Turkey
    (games on Sunday btw)



  6. Usernametaken
    11:40 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Man, KSR is talking a lot of smack about a game that we could very easily lose.



  7. Snitches
    11:40 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    *feel



  8. Know your UK schedule
    11:41 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Game is on Sunday.



  9. The Scarlet Pumpernickel
    11:41 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    CAT-tastic



  10. Handsome Jimmy
    11:41 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    “Pearl has been turned away at more sweet sixteens than Roman Polanski.”

    Outstanding work TH.



  11. SexnNursinHomes
    11:42 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    hahaha- KSR knockin’ out of the park today



  12. GP
    11:43 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Cat Food + Hymen = BI-WINNING!!!



  13. WildCobb Salad
    11:46 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    The Polanski line made me laugh. A lot.



  14. Roger
    11:47 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    News alert. Just heard on the news that the Governor’s Mansion in Tennessee burned to the ground earlier today, but do not worry, the trailer park was evacuated and no lives were lost.



  15. HoundDog
    11:47 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Hey Turkey Hunter,
    The GAME is Sunday not Saturday,
    I understand you must be working on the Turkey call for the game.



  16. Rockfield, KY
    11:53 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    The Roman Polanski line and cat food line were two of the funniest things I’ve ever read on this site.



  17. TeamSheen
    11:54 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Hymens aren’t winning.



  18. UK fan from loserville(1 of a million)
    11:55 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    I just got a text from Pearl confirming that he did see a leprechaun in Sheen’s bedroom when he stayed there on his last recruting trip. He said he was not sure what a unicorn was, but if he saw one he would take a picture and send it to Bret Favre to confirm.



  19. HiMyNameIs
    11:59 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    6. I agree. I hate Tennessee and these posts are hilarious but lets ease up on the smack talk until we WIN on Sunday. It will be a very tough game and you know how teams that are struggling play against us.



  20. ThankfulCat
    11:59 am March 4, 2011 Permalink

    BREAKING NEWS:
    Legal drinking age in Tennessee just raised to 32 to keep alcohol out of the high schools.



  21. SheenMachine
    12:02 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    I have Turkey Hunter DNA and blood and stuff.



  22. Al's IndiCats
    12:04 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    T.Hunter, I’m so glad I wasn’t drinking anything while reading your post, it would’ve been all over the screen…FREAKIN” Hilarious!



  23. HardinCatFan58
    12:05 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    “That really should have been a lesson you learned when the ex, Kim Shrigley, wouldn’t accept ‘individual workouts’ as the stated reason for your fingers smelling like cat food after attending 2007 fall student orientation.”

    Best line ever?



  24. Bruce's PEARL necklace
    12:09 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Do you all know why they bring cattle prods to basketball games at UT? To keep the cheerleaders from grazing at Thompson-Boling arena.



  25. [email protected]!
    12:11 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    By far the best article ever written on KSR! Very impressed…Keep it up!



  26. Bruceisfat
    12:12 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    WELL SAID



  27. keepinitreal
    12:21 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Classic!!



  28. Oliver Simmons
    12:32 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Beautiful.



  29. 502Cat
    12:39 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    KSR is coming with the heat today! I love it!



  30. Pat Summit
    12:41 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Its not leather… Its pleather!!!



  31. StevieD
    12:51 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Man, I hate Tennessee orange. It’s that old puke orange. That inside the pumpkin orange and I hate pumpkins. Their stadium looks like a garbage truck workers convention. I just hate Tennessee. I can’t stress that enough.



  32. blueballs14
    12:54 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    The “size 12 Timberlands” line did me in. I still can’t stop laughing. FIRST RATE TH!!



  33. CatFan4444
    1:04 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Man o man, I hope this post full of smack doesn’t jinx us for our pending road win in TBA on Sunday. Full of lovely pleasantries aimed at our enemies across the border!!! Bang!!



  34. oldgeezer
    1:07 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Beat up on Brucie all you want, but leave that hottie Pat alone!



  35. justsayin...
    1:12 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Sure as hell hope that you haven’t raised the ire of Karma! Talk to much crap, and it usually backfires. Wat until Monday to toss stones!



  36. GhostVol
    1:19 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    Worthy effort…but what if the ‘Cats, you know, lose?



  37. UK fan from loserville(1 of a million)
    2:09 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    We support them 100% win or lose.



  38. beau
    2:39 pm March 4, 2011 Permalink

    I don’t think all the people saying to hold off on trash talking quite understand. This is UT hate day. Same as UL hate day and UT hate day in football season. We make fun of UT on this day. I understand the game hasn’t been played, but this is a day of celebrating all things hatred toward UT, trash-talking included. And if karma is indeed involved, it CERTAINLY won’t be on the side of Brucie-Bruce and the chain gang.

    Keep up the good work KSR!



  39. tom9698
    11:36 am March 5, 2011 Permalink

    You know what a porcupine and Neyland Stadium have in common? A porcupine has 100,000 pricks on the outside,Neyland Stadium has 100,000 pricks on the inside !