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Heckling 101: South Carolina Gamecocks

It’s very important that we’re all on our game this weekend for the SEC opener, UK fans.  Not only is this a pivotal game in the bowl fortunes of our heroes in blue, but this game also presents the dangers of falling into a lame name-calling contest centered around “Smelley” and “Cocks” puns.  But, we’re better than that. So, to make sure we don’t make that mistake, take a look at the Gamecock roster with me – a roster which I only perused for roughly 20 minutes last night – and you’ll find that there are plenty of things for the high-minded fan to arm their pointed tongue with. Behold a few of South Carolina’s finest:

gamecocks-tj-johnson.jpg#51 T.J. Johnson

Poor T.J. Johnson.  Not only is he a “Johnson” playing for the “Cocks” (I bet his buddies really yucked it up on signing day), but he is also just another ginger fish in the USC football barrel.  There was a time when being a ginger was unique and a sign of pride for a person.  It really set you apart.  Not on this team, though, because there are somewhere between 5 and 10,000 gingers.  Also, he reminds me of can’t miss lottery prospect Robert Swift back in his “there’s a gun in my backpack” days before he got all “I’m Bill Walton with flava” on us.  I bet he also likes him some of them french fried potaters.

gamecocks-alex-mcgrath.jpg#87 Alex McGrath

As you can tell by Alex’ media guide picture, he’s having some issues with his body.  I can tell you from experience that combing down the thinning parts of your hair in the front means you aren’t very comfortable with that five-head of yours.  Also, doesn’t it seem like Alex is unnaturally thin?  I mean, he is the only one that is actually leaving space for the background on his picture.  Clearly, he should get tested for anorexic. 

gamecocks-foxy-foxworth.jpg#90 Foxy Foxworth

Foxy Foxworth loves to get high.  I guarantee it.

gamecocks-walker-inabinet.jpg#51 Walker Inabinet

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Brodie Croyle had a red-headed, learning-disabled brother?  Wonder no more because I think we found .  If you’re name is Walker and you aren’t a Texas Ranger, then there is a good bet that you’re probably some sort of trust fund baby and you get your jollies off of picking on poor people and pledges.  I suspect nothing less of this guy.  Man, I really wish he never would have gotten those panties.  That gave him WAY too much confidence.

gamecocks-heath-batchelor.jpg gamecocks-ryan-broadhead.jpg#74 Heath Batchelor & #62 Ryan Broadhead

Who would have thought that we’d find so much irony on the offensive line of the Gamecocks?  First of all, Mr. Batchelor is like a bizarro Jesse Palmer with his overgrown hair and womb broom sprouting from his chin.  I’d bet that this Batchelor will never experience in a lifetime what The Bachelor experiences in a weekend.  Also, his linemate, Mr. Broadhead, has an unfortunate last name that brings together an act that he probably never receives from the type of person that wants nothing to do with him. 

gamecocks-jasper-brinkley.jpg#52 Jasper Brinkley

Don’t say a word to this guy.  Seriously.  He will f*** you up.

gamecocks-scott-spurrier.jpg#27 Scott Spurrier

This is the creme de la creme of heckling the Gamecocks. On top of being the spawn of The Ole Ballcoach, The Ole Benchwarmer should earn your hatred for being an example of nepotism at its worst. Remember when you were in school and you were working that full-time job and putting everything on loans so you could be the first person in your family with a degree and really “make it”, only to learn that you’ll be answering to the bed-wetting cokehead from your fraternity the rest of your life because his dad runs the company? Yeah, this is worse. Spurrier is – I kid you not – the backup holder for kicks. Seriously. The dude is so bad that his bio on the site says “came off the bench (literally) to score a touchdown in the annual Garnet & Black Spring game”. Ouch. And, at 5’4″, even this guy calls him “Little Bitch”. He should be heckled without mercy.

Article written by Thomas Beisner