I’ll assume you know we have a new football coach. Not because there have been countless posts here telling you that, but because my mom knows we have a new football coach. She asked me, “Who did UK hire?” I could have said any two consecutive words that sounded like a real name, but I went ahead and told her the truth.
“Mark Stoops. He’s a defensive coordinator from Florida State.” Although she didn’t know what any of that meant, she does know we have a new coach. I assume you do, too.
Coach Stoops comes in with great pedigree, a defensive mind, recruiting connections, and ginger hair.
The smarter, more passionate KSR football minds like Rashawn will write about the pedigree, defense, and recruiting he brings. But I want to talk about the gingerness he brings.
Try to name a ginger you know personally and don’t like. You can’t, can you? I’ll tell you why. Gingers are great people. They aren’t automatically popular, therefore they have to make up for it in other ways. However, those ways cannot consist of them going outside during daylight.
For instance, you’re not going to see a ginger mowing an old lady’s grass, teaching the neighborhood kids how to swim, or sealing their parents driveway. But you could definitely count on a ginger to help you move after dark or give you a ride to and from the airport. Just like you would never ask me to be on your limbo team, don’t ask a ginger to play beach volleyball. People thrive when placed in a position in which they can succeed.
For Mark Stoops, Kentucky is a place he believes he can succeed.
Due to Carrot Top, people don’t always have faith in gingers to be good at what they do. So, to encourage the Big Blue Nation to believe our new football coach can succeed, I want to give you examples in which gingers are succeeding/have succeeded in different walks of life. Join me after the jump as we take a look at some fair skinned folks who have experienced some level of success.
Notable Gingers: Basketball Division
Brian Scalabrine- Like any smart, self respecting ginger, Scalabrine loves spray tans. But my favorite thing about Brian is that he enjoys getting buckets from behind the 3 point line and winning championships. Besides making millions of dollars to play basketball and being unable to enjoy an all day trip to the lake, Scalabrine reminds me a lot of Jon Hood. Always the first one off the bench to high five teammates. Always ready to shoot when he is in the game. Always willing to sacrifice playing time to win a championship. Scalabrine played in college for the real USC, which knocked UK out of the NCAA tournament that one year in that one round.
John Pelphrey- Currently an assisstant coach for Florida, Pelphrey did his ballin’ at the University of Kentucky. Though his coaching career has been somewhat up and down, Pelphrey was a member of The Unforgettables. He had the best view of anyone for arguably the worst moment of my childhood. I didn’t post the video because you’ve seen it. Also, I enjoy watching that video about like I enjoyed coming back from Christmas or summer break in college and having people ask me how my Christmas/summer break was.
(Why do people do that? They don’t care how your break was. You aren’t even really friends with them. Yes, they made out with one of your friends last semester. But that doesn’t make you friends.)
Bill Walton- While being most well known for his love of The Grateful Dead, “The Big Red-Head” also spent some time playing the game of basketball at a very “high” level. He was a star for John Wooden’s legendary UCLA teams in the ’70s. He won three consecutive College Player of the Year Awards and led the Bruins to two national titles. He then went on to have a great career in the NBA. He was once the league MVP and won two championships. His professional career was cut short by multiple foot injuries. Walton was inducted into the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame in 1993. Truly a great example of ginger success.
Notable Gingers: Cartoon Division
Jessica Rabbit- She’s the Kate Upton of ginger cartoons. She’s not bad, she’s just drawn that way. Here’s to hoping Mark Stoops can draw up plays as good looking as Jessica Rabbit.
Wilma Flinstone- Wife to Fred and mother to Pebbles. Wilma was always there to try to unsuccessfully talk Fred out of his ridiculous schemes and always there to bail him out of trouble. She is the consummate ginger, always willing to lend a helping hand. I hope Mark Stoops can be the Wilma to our crazy, unpredictable Fred Flinstone-like football program.
Ariel- The character most associated with “The Little Mermaind”, Ariel is the youngest daughter of King Triton and Queen Athena. She kicks it with two dudes named Sebastian and Flounder most of the time and gave up her voice to become a human. Let’s hope Mark Stoops shows better judgement.
Notable Gingers: Musician Division
Reba McEntire- “Rumor has it” the “lights went out in
Georgia Florida” and “a benevolent Mitch took Mark in off the streets.” It’s “his one chance and I hope he doesn’t let us down.”
Ginger Spice- If Mark Stoops wanna be our ball coach, he gotta get with our friends. (Specifically Jeremy Jarmon & Andre Woodson.) I also wouldn’t mind seeing Stoops “zig a zig ah,” either. Sounds like an awesome pass play.
Notable Gingers: Actor/Actress Division
Alyson Hannigan- Best known to most for her usage of the flute in “American Pie”, Hannigan also stars on the hit CBS show “How I Met Your Mother”. Speaking of meeting people’s mothers, I’m ready for Mark Stoops to hit the recruiting trail. How about you?
Christina Hendricks (known to most as “Joan” from Mad Men)- Joan started as a secretary and slowly worked her way up to office manager and eventually to partner. She is the poster child for ginger advancement in the workplace. Like Mark Stoops, she put in her time as an assistant and finally became the boss. I doubt they used the same tactics to get where they got, but they got there none the less.
Buzz from Home Alone- I hope Stoops is tough on his players, but I hope he is more hospitable than Kevin’s brother Buzz. Buzz once told Kevin “I wouldn’t let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my a**.” Buzz had no room to talk. His girlfriend was “WOOF.”
Chuck Norris- I wouldn’t call Chuck Norris a ginger, but the internet does. In fact, I wouldn’t call Chuck Norris anything but “Awesome.” If Mark Stoops can be as awesome as his ginger counter part, he’ll be cutting through hot knives with butter, slamming revolving doors, and beating Nick Saban in no time.
Welcome to the day-walking era of UK Football.
Hoops and Stoops. THAT’S WHAT KENTUCKY DOES!