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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

FAQ: Recruiting

Friends,

With the basketball season over and football season en route, the current “downtime” becomes the perfect staging ground for obsessing over recruits and beginning to piece together next year’s team in our heads. And of course, with recruits making their decisions, now’s as good of a time as any to do just that.

No doubt, though, that any of you who follow recruiting and the recruiting process realize that it’s a dicey situation — there are many do’s and don’ts, on which the NCAA keeps a tight leash, and there seem to be so many regulations and hair-splittings in the recruiting process that indeed it’s often tough to know what’s okay and what isn’t. This is why today, friends, I’m pleased to bring you Frequently Asked Questions about Recruiting, so we may all stay on the same page. As always, you’re welcome.

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I don’t understand the recruiting process for incoming NCAA basketball players. Can you help me?

It’s okay. The truth is that there seem to be so many recruiting rules and regulations that it may sometimes seem difficult to keep track of them all! If it helps, think of recruiting protocol the same way you think about installing that hot tub in the backyard yourself — sure, you could probably manage it, but there are so many unknowns that it’s best that you were just careful about everything.

I would like to recruit a player for my hometown Jaycees intramural squad, and I would like to know how to go about doing this.

You’ll first need to make contact with the recruit directly or the recruit’s parents. As NCAA bylaw 13.02.4.3 states, however, you may not make contact with the recruit during a designated “dead period.”

Okay. Let’s say it’s not a “dead period” and I am having a Fourth of July party and would like the recruit to come. My Fourth of July parties are superfun. There’s tons of food and all my neighbors say it’s the best party in the whole neighborhood.

Very well. You should issue a formal invitation to the recruit inviting him to your Fourth of July party, and make your intentions known to a governing board at the NCAA who will approve the invitation.

I think the recruit will be impressed by the perks of my house, where he will reside when not playing basketball with my team. I have a popcorn maker and 3 seasons of ER on DVD. I also live within walking distance to a particularly clean Arby’s.

That does sound enticing.

And I will let the recruit have our extra car.

Whoa, whoa whoa! Not so fast there. See? You’ve just crossed the line between helping the recruit to feel at home in your residence and promising him material things which will violate NCAA rules.

Oh.

Yeah.

Can I contact a recruit via Facebook or MySpace, FriendFace or Tooter?

No, you must keep your contact with the recruit strictly adherent to NCAA regulations. I’m also fairly sure that not all of those social networking sites actually exist.

Can I leave the recruit a series of clever, rhyming “clues” that send him on a “race” around town and which ends at my house, if I pretend like I’m a “mysterious millionaire” or have a hidden treasure or something?

Probably not.

These FAQs are terrible and I don’t think they’re funny. When are you going to stop writing them?

Never.

What if he wants to bring his friend, but his friend isn’t very good. Do I have to pretend that his friend is really good?

Unfortunately, this does happen sometimes. Just pretend like you really, really want the friend to play basketball for your team too and deal with things later.

Gotcha. What is “redshirting,” and how many red shirts do I need to purchase for my new recruit?

“Redshirting” is when a player sits out an entire season of his or her sport in order to preserve a year’s worth of eligibility.

What if one of my team colors is red? Won’t the referee think that no one is going to play in the basketball game?

“Redshirting” is just a term.

I see. Thanks. I think I really understand recruiting now. My team will be great this year with new recruits.

Yes, good luck with that.

Do you want to come to my Fourth of July party?

No thanks…it’s in a…dead period for me.

Whatever. I hate you.

Hey, they’re the NCAA’s rules, not mine.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin