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FAQ: Georgia

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Friends,

How’s it going? Can you believe this weather? Boy, I can’t. What do you think about that popular theory concerning the weather and its effect on the earth? Yes, I agree with your opinion on that. Don’t you hate people who disagree with the opinion that you and I share?

Tonight the Great Kentucky Road Show heads into Athens, Georgia, where — if I know this bunch — they will spend a lot of time waxing on the B-52s and REM’s eighties stuff before heading into Stegeman Coliseum to take on the bottom-lurking Georgia Bulldogs. You probably, before now, didn’t really think Georgia existed, but it it an actual place, and here today Need-to-Know Wednesday is pleased to bring you answers to other questions you have about Georgia in the feature Frequently Asked Questions About Georgia.

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What can you tell me about Georgia?

Georgia is a Eurasian country bordered to the north by Russia and to the south by Turkey. It was formerly part of the Soviet Union and is defined geographically by its snow-capped mountains.

I mean the state.

Oh. Georgia is the last of the thirteen colonies established, in 1733. It is bordered by Florida, South Carolina, Alabama, North Carolina and Tennessee. Georgia’s motto is Wisdom, Justice, Moderation — only in the last three years officially changed from Georgia’s previous state motto This Is My Property and You Are Damn Right I Will Shoot Anyone Who Steps Foot On It Because That Is My Right as an American.

I’ve never been to Georgia before, is there anything I should know?

There are definitely some things you’ll need to know before visiting the Peach State, such as the fact that it is illegal in the state Georgia not to shop at Wal-Mart. You will also be stopped at the border and asked to check any books which exceed fifty pages or were written in England; these will be returned to you upon leaving the state. And it should be noted that at several points in your trip, you will inevitably be swarmed and attacked by fire ants. This is normal.

Whoa! What’s up with this dirt? It’s red.

Ah, yes. That’s what’s known as “Georgia Red Clay.” It’s basically soil which is very high in iron oxides.

Well, it’s totally freaking me out.

Yes, it can seem somewhat odd to newcomers to the state.

What’s the University of Georgia like?

The University of Georgia (UGA) is known as a traditionally strong football school. The basketball team often fails to achieve such heights, but the Georgia Bulldogs, as they are known, enjoy a strong fan following.

My friend has a bulldog.

Yes, they’re interesting dogs. The University of Georgia has actually, in its history, seen seven real-life bulldogs serve as the team’s mascot.

What happened to the other six?

They were sent to live on a farm where they could run and play as much as they want.

That’s good. Can I go see them?

Err…no. The farm is closed to the public or something.

What if I get lost in Georgia?

For the love of God do not get lost in Georgia.

Maybe I should just keep moving on into Florida.

That’s a good idea. Don’t forget to get your British books back as you run screaming across the Georgia border covered in fire ants. Come back soon!

Article written by C.M. Tomlin