[Matt, lookit, I’m gonna be honest, I have to write this post before the NBA Draft, so it’s going to be tricky to make it seem like I am evaluating the results of said draft. Whereas in the past I was confident that I could predict the outcomes of various events (I am a Capricorn afterall), my last attempt resulted in much egg on my face, thanks to my declaration of a McCain presidency and my claim that “Worst Week” would go down as the best sitcom ever. As a result, this time I have created a fool-proof method where I give you three options for what is likely to happen and you merely select the option that ends up being true. It’s a variation of an SNL bit I once saw where they were having Tom Brokaw pre-record news segments so he could take a vacation. I don’t remember how they portrayed the outcome, but I’m confident it ended well.
Finally, I’ve tried including instructions to my posts for you to follow in the past and this has consistently backfired. Therefore, to ensure that you DELETE THESE INSTRUCTIONS!!! before you post my masterwork here, I will include an embarrassing bit of personal information that you have intimated to me when I have been within your trust: It is a fact that you sleep with a full-sized Macy’s department store mannequin with a cutout of Dan Lauria’s (the dad from “Wonder Years”) face pasted over the mannequin’s face. There, that should ensure that you delete this instructional paragraph lest your terrible secret be revealed. Again, just pick the choice that is correct and delete the other two. ]
Hey there kids, it’s your old pal, Mosley, here to recap this week’s NBA Draft and any other associated stories that occurred on the same day. The live blog that we had was a doozey, as much hilarity was created and we managed to make it to the bitter end. Stuart Scott’s eye sure was weird, huh? Also, that Stephen A. Smith is quite the character. Ever notice how he seems to yell when he talks? And, wow, were the interviews by (Erin Andrews, Lisa Salters, Rachel Nichols) pointless? I mean, how much talent does it take to ask a mother, “so what’s going through your mind right now”?
The night’s initial pick, which I was the first to predict, was none other than (Blake Griffin, Ricky Rubio, Hasheem Thabeet). I think that this young man is going to have a (great, mediocre, tall) professional career and will look back on this night as a defining moment in his life. The Clippers certainly have high hopes for him and here’s hoping those hopes are realized.
Pick two sure was something as the (Grizzlies, Kings, whatever OK City is) chose a player with lots of potential. His family sure seemed happy for him and his (mother, aunt, publicist) appeared to tear up in my opinion. That member of his new team’s front office appears confident that he’s a good pick and will fit in nicely with the current lineup.
Pick three was a name you’ve been hearing about, so it was no great surprise for a true fan such as yourself, I’m sure. Great analysis coming from (Jay Bilas, Jeff Van Gundy, random Knicks fan overheard on the broadcast) by the way. If this particular player can get accustomed to the (speed, smell, anti-Semitism) of the NBA game, he should be able to contribute rather quickly.
The rest of the remaining 27 picks went according to plan and our own Jodie Meeks was (ecstatic, disappointed) to (be picked, not be picked) in the first round. As a wrap-up to the first round, that suit (Blake Griffin, James Harden, David Stern) wore sure was wacky. I wonder who picked out that outfit, Marlee Matlin? LOL.
The second round revealed a few more surprises, with (Dejuan Blair, Ty Lawson, Dicky Lyons, Jr.) slipping further than I would have thought. Utah selected (a white guy from Purdue, a white guy from Washington, a white guy from Nebraska) to further complement their squad, and the Spurs took a chance on a little-known player from (Serbia, Israel, some country that sounds like it’s probably in Africa). Towards the ends things got a little silly with Jay Bilas making fun of Jeff Van Gundy for being (cheap, a hemophiliac, a voodoo priestess). David Stern’s number 2 performed admirably, as he capably pronounced all the player’s names and avoided controversy by (remaining sober, putting his clothes back on, not vomiting in the band’s tuba–if there’s no band, replace “band’s tuba” with “Lisa Salters’ hair”). And although a good time was had by all, the night’s celebration of youthful jumping and shooting of balls was marred by the untimely passing of (Michael Jackson, Ted Danson, “Horace, the Goat-faced boy”). This particular entertainer will be long-remembered for his contributions, of that I’m sure.
So there you go, KSR fans. You have just read a thorough and completely accurate account of the NBA Draft that was 100% for certain written sometime after the draft itself. Odd that I should call out the fact it was written after the draft? I think not. It’s a standard literary device that skilled authors employ on a regular basis. It serves as the denouement…I guess. Enjoy the remainder of your “Sunday” (wink) (remove quotations from Sunday and the “wink”–it probably was a bad idea to put either of them in in the first place.), and (Matt, Breisner, Kige) will be along shortly with something both informative and/or witty. Good (day, night, apocalypse)!