Dear South Carolina,
It was good seeing you this weekend. I began to worry about you after you never responded to that letter I wrote you back in February. You did get that letter, didn’t you? No big deal if you didn’t. We certainly got yours and we took it to heart. Hopefully, through these letters we can try to develop a lifelong pen pal relationship where we can discuss the goings-ons at our universities. Well, I guess you all could just turn on the TV and see us anytime you’d like, but we have trouble following anything South Carolina related up here in Kentucky where people care about what we’re doing. Oh yeah, how’d that lawsuit with Southern Cal go?
Anyway, back to the weekend… I hope you really enjoyed everything Lexington had to offer. I saw many of you wandering around at Keeneland on Friday. It’s pretty awesome, isn’t it? Many people say it’s a lot like your Carolina Cup but with better looking girls, less rednecks, and it doesn’t suck. I hope you enjoyed it. I also saw a lot of you out on the town taking in the Lexington nightlife. Boy, you guys sure do like to fight! And from what I saw, you’re not very good at it. Just keep ice over that eye and the swelling should go down in a few days. I’d also recommend not calling us inbreds, yankees, or hillbillies when you’re obviously outnumbered. We wouldn’t go down to Columbia and make fun of how you think you’re Ole Miss and Alabama but just come off as trash with long bangs and visors. We’d never go to USC… ahem… the University of South Carolina and talk about your lack of tradition, history, or anything to offer to the SEC and the South as a whole. That would be ludicrous!
And we’re really sorry about the whole football thing. We were fully aware that it was “your year” to be the team to beat in the SEC East. We even sat Derrick Locke to help you guys out. You’d think that would be more than enough help for the team that just beat Alabama. I mean, you have Steve Spurrier! STEVE SPURRIER!!! The best coach in the SEC, like, 15 years ago. Hell, Spurrier beat us 17 times in a row. I’m not one to dwell on the past, so, I’m not.
If my memory serves me right, in your letter to us you wrote, “South Carolina is far superior to anything Kentucky can put together.” Well, I’m sorry but that couldn’t be any further from the truth. In fact, since that letter, Kentucky has completely owned you. Both the men’s and women’s basketball teams beat you. The baseball team beat you in a three game series. The softball team swept you in a three game series. The men’s soccer team won. The tennis team won. The volleyball team won. Only the South Carolina women’s soccer team was able to defeat Kentucky after your bold claim. Women’s soccer. We’ll take it.
I’m honestly not trying to rub our dominance in your face. Let me make that clear. I would never do anything to offend you. Let Her Cry is one of my favorite songs ever. I would never say anything negative about you blowing an 18 point halftime lead. I wouldn’t dare mention that you could’ve easily sent the game into overtime had your quarterback not thrown into double coverage when you were well into field goal range. I would completely be in the wrong to question your use of timeouts on the final drive. It makes sense to not use a timeout while the clock is running after an 8-yard completion over the middle but then turn around and use it when the clock is stopped after a player stepped out of bounds. Who am I to question calling the final timeout when the clock had stopped again with 11 seconds left? I mean, why try to get in two plays when you can just throw an interception on one play? It all makes perfect sense.
Well, my hand is cramping up from writing (especially after all of the high-fives I gave last night.) Once again, it was so good seeing you this weekend and we’ll have you back anytime. Long as you promise to leave Randall Cobb wide open again.
I look forward to hearing back from you soon.
Drew Franklin XOXO
Hey, Spurrier – Tell me how Joker’s ass tastes.