Since the blogger contest ended for me (6 years into its decade-long run), I have received quite a bit of mail asking for my opinion/advice/picture/hand in marriage. Though I’d prefer to attribute it to my unique and witty writing skills, I think my gender has a part to play in the type of emails I’ve been getting. In fact, I took a few minutes to make a pie chart (Mr. Clay would be so proud of my Excel skills) of the emails I get the most:
Note: I have since confirmed that the BTI email was actually from his elite World of Warcraft guild needing his level 80 nightelf warrior to help them with their 25 man raid, and not in fact from a girl.
I thought for my first column I’d take it to the people and answer one of the questions from my mailbag. Here is what Kevin from Lexington wrote to me last week:
“Dear Ms. Martin,
Are you hot? Just kidding. I need some advice. I’m having a hard time meeting and picking up quality women. I’m looking for a girl who is a sports fan, and more specifically a Kentucky fan. Could you give me any tips for snagging the woman of my dreams?
Thanks in advance,
P.S. If you could send a picture with your reply, it would really help me understand and judge your advice better. Thanks.”
Thanks so much for your question, and I’m really glad you’ve asked it. Though I’m married now, I remember what its like to be down in the trenches of the dating scene, alone with my cats on Friday nights, praying that that certain someone notices me and that E-Harmony stops rejecting my application (by “my”, I mean “my friend’s”) Here are a few of my “do’s” and “don’ts” when it comes to relating to women of the sports persuasion:
1. Don’t assume that every female sports fan is just a casual fan. Yes, it’s pretty common knowledge that most women who claim to be sports fans either:
a. Change their team preferences based on their current boyfriend/spouse/celebrity crush or
b. Just like the teams colors and how cool they think they are when they wear them. (Look-I’m sure there are many passionate Cubs fans, but with the amount of Cubs hats I have to see on a regular basis, you would think that their entire fanbase consists of 20-something sorority girls.)
However, despite what some would say, there are women who are actual fans. Yes, even the type of fans who can name every starting lineup since the ‘80s in an attempt to prove to a lawyer that it can be done (Bring it Jones).
2. Do utilize the cheesy pickup line. A few examples:
-Is your name Ed Davender? Because you just stole my heart!
-If beauty were basketball teams, you’d be UK ’96 hands down.
-Are you a post-game referee criticism? Because you have ‘fine’ written all over you.
-I hear the UK football team needs a new tight end. You’d be perfect for the job.
– You can be my “Y” anytime.
-Excuse me, but is your name Richie Farmer? Because you are Unforgettable.
3. Don’t use any pickup line involving Porcinis. Self-explanatory.
4. Don’t name drop unless you’ve got the goods. The only way that girls will be impressed with your friendship with “X” player/coach is if you actually know said player/coach. Otherwise the conversation could end up like this:
Boy: You’re a UK fan? Wow, I was just having a pizza with my good friend John (that’s Calipari in case you didn’t know, and we’re incredibly close) Anyway, I was just having pizza with my close friend John last night in Lex Vegas (that’s what John likes to call it, isn’t that funny?) and he told the craziest story about-
Girl: That’s odd because I could have sworn Cal tweeted 35 messages in 40 seconds from his speaking engagement in Florida last night.
5. Don’t challenge her to a UK trivia match. This is a lose/lose situation for you, Kevin. If you lose, you lost to a girl in a sporting event and may never have your manhood redeemed. If you win, you have embarrassed the girl and will have absolutely no shot at picking up her, her friends, or anyone within a 90 mile radius.
6. Do ask her about her favorite player. This is a perfect conversation starter for you. First of all, you show her that you are impressed with her fandom and want to know more about her. Additionally, this is the perfect opportunity to test the waters and see if she is, indeed a true Kentucky fan. If she answers “Kyle Macy, hands downs”, for example, you’ve got a potential first-rounder on your hands. If her answer is “Didn’t we have a player named Tubby once? “, move along. If her answer is indeed sufficient for you, feel free to use the information to your advantage in the future. Invite her over, pop in a tape of her favorite player’s best game and watch the magic happen. I expect your first child to be named Kate.
7. Don’t be too picky. Does she wish Tubby was still the coach? Does she think Pitino was right not putting a man on the inbounds? Is she a fan of coal? Let it go, dude. Thinking Hansbrough is “kind of hot” does not a deal breaker make.
8. Do be picky sometimes, especially about fandom. You will encounter women in your endeavors who are not UK fans. I will tell you this from personal experience, it is much better for you to settle for a non-Sports fan than to ever consider dating a UL, UT, or Duke fan. Now, I won’t say that a relationship between a Cards/Vols/Dorks fan and UK fan has never worked, I’m just saying it’s more trouble than it’s worth. A breakdown of the aforementioned female fanbases:
A. Duke girls- Probably only fans because they spent 4 years begging for the attention of the nerdy boys, plus I’m 99% sure they never really do stop jumping.
B. UL girls- Should come with a warning: does not age well.
C. Vols girls- Really? Eww.
9. Don’t mention how hot you think Ashley Judd, Megan Calipari, or Erin Andrews are. Yes, we think they’re hot too. But as you will learn, Kevin, women like to delude themselves into imagining that they are the hottest woman on the planet. So, please keep your fantasies of being Cal’s son-in-law to yourself, and we won’t mention our secret obsession with all things Mark Pope.
Hope this helps Kevin!