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Dear Ashley

(this letter is read best in the voice of the baritone guy from Boyz II Men)

Dear Ashley,

Hey babe.  You know, I can’t believe I’m sitting here right now doing this and you have no idea how tough it is to put all these thoughts together.  Things have been really tough on me lately girl, you know, all the weirdness and stuff.  I mean, I’m not really sure where things really got off track or where we grew apart, but here we are, almost like two strangers. 

I mean, it wasn’t too long ago that we had a rock solid relationship.  We were on top of the world and it felt like nothing could stop us.  You were there to support me, no matter how small or unimportant it was, and I was there to pick you up whenever you fell down.  We had some crazy nights, but it seemed like you were always the smart and responsible one, checking in on my health and holding me snugly against your bosom when times were tough.  We had a special thing going, girl.  I never thought we’d ever be apart.

I always loved having you around, but I always tried to give you your space too.  I mean, that’s why I didn’t flinch when you went to study abroad, babe.  I wanted you to have that experience and it would have been selfish for me to ask you to stay.  But, you didn’t come back to me as the same person.  You seemed to get a little brain-washed by that women’s studies teacher after you changed your major and then the next thing you know, you’re flaunting your goods (probably NSFW) all over town and trying to stop traffic on fraternity row.  That’s not the Ashley I fell in love with.

I know we’re both growing up, babe, but that’s no excuse for treating me like this.  You know, while you were away, I could have had my chance with a number of beauty queens, celebrity boyfriends or ten cent floozies.  But, I didn’t because I love you.  And, where were you when I was battling that sickness?  By the time you showed up to support me, it was too late to help.  That’s not my Ashley.  Not the Ashley that was #1.

But, still, I tried to make this work.  I went out of my way to try to save things by giving you the stuff that no one else could.  I thought things could be saved.  But, once again, you’ve betrayed me. 

I’m not stupid.  I’ve heard the rumors and I know what’s going on.   I know all about you going to that date party tonight and, sorry babe, it’s the final straw.  I know you’re using the “I’m just helping out a friend” line, but that’s no excuse.  You don’t go cuddling up with someone I’ve competed with for years and expect me to get over it.  I’m not that kind of guy, babe.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself lately is that I’m not really treating myself with the respect I should.  I’m not who I used to be and I’m working on getting myself back to that cocky, confident swagger that you fell in love with.  And, the only way I’m going to get there, is to move forward with people who support and love me and you’re not exactly in that crowd right now.

So, to get to the point, we’re done.  Over.  Beat it.  Get out of my life.  I think you started moving on a long time ago, but I’m making it final.  This is the closure I need and I hope it keeps you from feeling dirty tonight as you betray me.

Don’t call or text me anymore…unless it’s for a random, drunk hookup after Two Keys.  I think we can keep doing that for a few more months.

 – The Kentucky basketball program

P.S.  I saw Simon Birch 17 times, but I never really liked it

Article written by Thomas Beisner