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David Hasselhoff…..a sensitive man

Well the Jones Compound only cared about one thing on Wednesday night, and that was the finale of American Idol. It was long….very long, clocking in at over two hours, when the really the only point of the show was to tell the world that Taylor Hicks was the next American Idol. Most of the show was dull and a great deal of it was painful (must they make these kids sing every bad song from the 80s). Nevertheless, in our world of diversified culture, the final of American Idol is one of the few moments that bring us all together. My top 5 highlights:

5. They reunited the “Brokenote Mountain” (and can we now please declare a moratorium on all “Brokeback” jokes….the new thing is “Johnny Cakes” thank you very much) from the casting specials, much to my happiness. For those of you that dont remember, this little threesome included the kid who had never left his ranch in Wyoming, some dude who is pissed that Bucky took his spot in the Final 12 and a black guy who lost all street cred by wearing a cowboy hat and crying while he said that American Idol was “about caring.” The guys came out and sang “Mamas Dont Let your Babies Grow up to be Cowboys” and it was at least respectable. What I enjoyed is that even though all three guys were made fun of for their cowboy getup, they re-created it nonetheless….I can respect that.

4. A number of “famous” musical guest stars graced the stage ranging from divas (I truly cannot stand Mary J Blige) to old fat men (who in the world allowed Meatloaf to come back into public) to the coolest people I know (Prince). Once again, the man from Minnesota showed that he is one of the baddest men alive, wearing purple as only he can and singing two songs while bringing down the house. Notwithstanding a certain karaoke singer in Nashville, Tennessee named Kevin Gordon who may be better, Prince is the most entertaining singer I can think of. To think there once was a time where folks debated who was cooler, he or Michael Jackson….I guess we know who won.

3. Clay Aiken made a triumphant return to the stage, surprising a loser guy from casting who wanted to be Clay Aiken by singing “Somewhere out There” to him, while the guy freaked out. Watching this (and seeing his bizarre haircut), I wondered how many people in middle America are still allowing themselves the fantasy that Clay is not gay…..come on people accept it…..even Anderson Cooper keeps it under cover better.

2. They continued the terrible tradition of making all the idols come out and sing group medleys of bad pop songs while having fake smiles on their face and dancing in poorly contstructed chorus lines. Normally I hate these, but I found them all entertaining this year because it was impossible to stop looking at the size of Mandisa. Now I am not one to comment on people’s weight gratuitously but Mandisa is the most disproportionate woman I have ever seen. From the waist up, she is built a bit like Oprah, pre-marathon (and yes, my training is going well, thank you). But from the waist down, she looks like she is about to give birth to the Undertaker…..as he is built today. She is bizarrely huge and her decision to wear skin-tight black pants (although it may be impossible for her to find pants that arent skin tight) doesnt really help. It was like a train wreck, albeit one with a good voice.

1. But of course the highlight of the night was the crowning of the American Idol, Taylor Hicks….actually scratch that, the highlight was watching David Hasselhoff (who for some unexplained reason was in the crowd) wiping away a TEAR when Taylor was picked. Yes you read that right, the man CRIED when Taylor’s name was called on national television. Now this has been an odd time for David recently….in large part due to the fact that his name has made the rounds due to the fact that Dirk Nowitski sings his songs while at the free throw line. But crying on American Idol is completely unacceptable. I admit that I shed a tear when Ruben won….but I was not nearly as famous as David and only have half as much chest hair. We expect more from you David….we really do.

So there it was….a great night and one that I will remember for at least the next few days. Hope you enjoyed it and that it was as special for you as it was for Mr. Baywatch.

Article written by Matt Jones