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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Cinco de Starters-o: Mississippi State Bulldogs

In the spirit of being a let’s-pretend-like-the-bad-things-that-happened-didn’t-happen fan, I say we pretend like last week didn’t happen. We can sit here all day bitchin’ and moanin’ about who should be doing what to whom (for the record, I don’t think a single person bitched or moaned about that), but that would be detrimental to the cause. I guess what I’m trying to say in the most convoluted way possible is that you can’t un-ring the bell, so to speak. We lost some games, but so did Florida. It’s a new season, let’s start it off on the right foot (or in Jodie’s case, two feet. Announcers always bring that up). Who’s with me?!?!

(A word about the video. Yeah, it’s that lame Animal House speech that is probably a bit overused. For that reason, I wasn’t going to use it. However, in this version, there’s a really creepy and random mascot super-imposed into the scene. You can’t beat that.)

Anyway, back to my lecture about how much more composed and better I am than all of you (thankfully, none of you really know me). We start anew tonight against MSU, and next Tuesday-tors we’s got the Gators (that’s some pretty righteous internal rhyme, if I do say so myself). It’s a big ol’ week, and I’ll be damned if we’re going to act like a bunch of nancies, whining about this and that, arguing with each other, and embarrassing Bryan the Intern. Get your act together, for chrissakes. The conference season is not yet half over. Jeez. For the “best fans in the world,” we’re sure acting like a bunch of dills.

Cats, your Dawgs:

#32 Jarvis Varnado, 6’9”, F/C, Junior

2008-09 Stats: 12.7 ppg, 9.7 rpg

Everyone’s least-favorite shirt-grabbin’ shot-blocker (Clifford Rozier notwithstanding) hails from Brownsville, TN, better known as the home of Tony Delk. According to the Charlie McAlexander commentary on my “Clawing to the Top” VHS (circa 1993), Delk used to launch jump shots over trees. Later, high school defenders replaced those trees (that might be verbatim. I watched that video a lot. I had few friends.). So, Varnado’s tall. Oh, and why is it Var-nar-doh? Shouldn’t it be Var-na-doh? Am I the only one who says Var-nar-doh?

#2 Ravern Johnson, 6’7”, G/F, Sophomore

2008-09 Stats: 12.8 ppg, 3.5 rpg

Is anyone else getting a serious Blazing Saddles vibe right now? There has to be a Ravern Johnson in that movies, yes? Lemme check…nope. Dammit. There was a Reverend Johnson. That’s close. OK, jeez, focus Evan. Uh, Ravern’s averaged 20.5 over his last two. He also loves playing against Bluegrass-affiliated squads, as he dropped his career high of 26 against WKU.

#3 Dee Bost, 6’2”, G, Freshman

2008-09 Stats: 9.8 ppg, 4.8 apg

Bost enters MSU as a freshman after leading Hargrave Military Academy to a 29-0 record in his only year of prep school. Question: does everyone go there for prep school? Who do they play? Either way, if this guy’s nickname isn’t Deebo, then we’re dealing with a bunch of zeroes. Bost had 17 in a win at Arkansas, and 18 in a loss to Texas Tech.

#22 Barry Stewart, 6’2”, G, Junior

2008-09 Stats: 10.5 ppg, 3.3 rpg

Stewart is actually the top returning scorer for the Bulldogs, who lost the likes of…that tall guy and the little Hansbrough. And…others, I suppose. Oh wait, and Jamont Gordon. And that Rhodes fella. So I guess I shouldn’t make fun of him, huh? Anyway, Stewart’s struggled scoring this year, and he’s shooting only 6-24 from three in his last four.

#25 Phil Turner, 6’3”, G, Sophomore

2008-09 Stats: 7.6 ppg, 3.6 apg

Is it just me, or does “Phil Turner” sound made up? If they trot out a slightly-disguised Daryl Wilson, I’m going to be very upset. No less, Turner is a solid outside shooter in his own right, and he’s picked up his scoring of late. Here’s an interesting story about Phil. Look, he doesn’t like showing his hands. Leave him alone about it.

Key Reserves:

Kodi Augustus, F, Sophomore: Apparently, his parents read the same baby naming book as Mackenzi Adams’.

Twany Beckham, G, Freshman: Not that key, but hey, he’s played in Rupp before.

Game’s at 7 p.m. on Raycom…Enjoy it on ESPN360 or at Yahoo!, if the stupid city you live in refuses to show one single freakin’ UK game, despite the fact that it’s about 90 miles from KY…it sucks here…please make it better, UK

Article written by Evan Hilbert