What a turnout!
Tonight the Hartford Hawks come to town riding high on a 7-game losing streak, including a loss to something called a Quinnipiac. Let’s be honest, this game is nothing more than a tune-up for the Cats as they prep for Louisville on Saturday. And, after checking out their roster, I’m fairly certain that at least 90% of the guys on the team come from some type of fraternity farm system. Hartford’s only claim to fame is that it is the alma mater of a one Vin Baker, the 8th pick in the 1993 NBA Draft. Baker was a 4-time NBA All Star and won two gold medals at the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney in Men’s Basketball and Beer Pong. The 6’11” Baker would dwarf the tallest player on this year’s edition of Hartford basketball, a 6’9″ center named Genesis. Too bad he’s only seen action in 2 games. He’s really a sight to behold. On to your starters-
#24 Joe Zeglinski, 6’o”, G, Junior
Joe also has a twin brother on the team, the 5’11” Zach. Crispin Brothers potential: Nil. Joe leads the team in scoring at 15.6ppg and shooting a blistering 38% from the field. This kid appears to be the best player to come to Hartford since Vin Baker. No, seriously. That’s what we’re dealing with here, people.
#23 Morgan Sabia, 6’4″, F, Junior
Sabia enters tonight’s game with 12 and 5 averages. And that’s really a picture of him. I didn’t go to a Turkish male model website and pull this picture. Coming to Lexington serves a dual purpose for Sabia, as he’ll use the time to scout out Knoxville for an important music festival in March.
#11 Andres Torres, 5’10”, G, Junior
Torres, or as they call him in Hartford the “Puerto Rican Papi”, has season averages of 8 points and 3 rebounds. He also leads the team with 5.4 assists per game. When I typed in “Puerto Rican basketball players” into Google, I found out that Carmelo Anthony is half Puerto Rican. I didn’t know that. Anyway, not much to say about Torres. I’m sure Coach O likes him, though.
#1 Milton Burton, 6’5″, G/F, Junior
When I think of this guy matching up against PPatt, I giggle a little. Though Pat shouldn’t regard this kid lightly, as he was once Region XIV All Conference Honorable Mention during his days at Panola College. No, I’m not kidding. It just got real. Burton is also a future member of Bill Simmons’ Reggie Cleveland All-Stars.
#25 Anthony Minor, 6’5″, F, Junior
And the man in the middle, #25, AN-THO-NY MI-NOR!!! Wait, what? He’s 6’5″? How’s he supposed to guard the nearly-7ft. DeMarcus Cousins? He probably a great rebounder, right? I mean, Chuck (both Hayes and Barkley) were great rebounders despite being no more than 6’5″ each. What? His career high is 7 rebounds and he averages 2.6? I don’t know what to tell you. Well, I do know that he’s majoring in Insurance. I’m sure he’ll make a Good Neighbor.
You’ve seen the starters. If you can fathom it, the bench is even worse. Who scheduled this team, anyway? Nothing to worry about. Cats in a rout 103-54. Go Cats!