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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Cinco de Starters-o: Florida Gators

Luckily, for me, I was unable to see UK’s latest, ahem, unfortunate incident, as I was ensconced in the clutches of an Oscar Wilde play. It was for school. I’m not soft or nothing. Here’s an example of the dialogue:

“Dalliance, my lord? And in the king’s manor! Sir, you musn’t. It isn’t proper!”

“Why? ‘Tis no secret the king has dallied all of his propers!”

It goes on like that. If it wasn’t the many nuances of 19th century British political humor that got my juices flowing, it was probably the adrenaline rush I got every ten minutes when my phone vibrated with another snarky text update from Broseph. The illumination of my phone was probably enough to vex Bloomington high society enough, but my slightly audible string of obscenities upon reading the final score got a couple of glares. Still, there was no softer embrace than that of the warm clutches provided by homosexual (bisexual? weird sexual? Socratic sexual?) theater.

I tell you all this for no real reason, other than the fact that a) it’s me and no one will read it, and b) I’ve been sitting on the Wilde fake dialogue for awhile, and I really wanted to use it. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to show ‘how much more life has to offer’ or anything. Trust me, it doesn’t. This is all you’ve got.

Hey, Florida’s been sucking lately! They, like us, have lost three straight, and they previously lost to Georgia. This game had been described as a play-in as recently as last week; now, as Lunardi said in the live blog, it’s a play-in “for Monday’s bracket.” And you know he had a smug look on his face when he typed that!

Ironically, the last time we played the Gators we were in the midst of a three-game losing streak. Coincidence? Good lord, I hope so.

Annoying white kids:

#21 Dan Werner, 6’8”, F, Junior

2008-09 Stats: 8.8 ppg, 4.5 rpg

If you recall, Werner was the guy who’s three could’ve really hurt us late, but it went all the way down and came out, Wesley Person circa 1993 style. He’s been struggling, though he has had 10 point showings in both of his last two. He’s only shot 38 free throws this season, and none in the last six games. That seems really bad for a forward; perhaps he should try banging down low, rather than nancying around the perimeter.

#25 Chandler Parsons, 6’9”, F, Sophomore

2008-09 Stats: 9.9 ppg, 5.7 rpg

Speaking of “nancying around the perimeter,” Parsons is as streaky as ever. Since his seven three outburst against Vandy ten games ago, he’s only once made more than one in a game. Furthermore, Chandler is starting to sprout those disgusting chin pubes and he’s looking more and more like Mike Miller every day. Looking like, not playing like.

#23 Alex Tyus, 6’8”, F, Sophomore

2008-09 Stats: 12.4 ppg, 6 rpg

And now, the happiest big man in the SEC! Tyus has been pretty tough in the post for the Gators, though in the loss to UT he only had 6 points and 6 boards. Question that I should probably be answering in my own in the post: Who gets their rebounds?

#15 Walter Hodge, 6’0”, G, Senior

2008-09 Stats: 8.7 ppg, 2.3 apg

Hodge, expert of the “hands up elbow stomp oh my oh my god are you ok? oh my god I totally didn’t see your 6’11” body laying there oh my god,” will be seeking vindication this afternoon. His scoring has been up recently, and he had 20 in the loss Wednesday to MSU, but only 4 in the loss to UT. OK, this time I guarantee it, he will make a three in the corner that will make me want to cry.

#33 Nick Calathes, 6’6”, G, Sophomore

2008-09 Stats: 18.2 ppg, 6.4 apg

Calathes has been catching some negative press (gasp!) of late, after Donovan called for him to be more of a team player. He didn’t play in the last 2:30 (Calathes, not Donovan. Donovan never plays) in the loss to MSU, I guess because he was being selfish. He only scored 11, though he dropped 33 on UK last time, so yeah, Nick, pass the damn ball. The ‘Cats really, really had trouble guarding him, so hopefully we’ve got some sort of plan to keep him in check today (fingers crossed!).

Key Reserves:

Erving Walker, G, Freshman: Solid shooter off the bench. Still scoring in bunches, though wildly inconsistent.

Kenny Kadji, C, Freshman: Last three game point totals: 2, 1, 0. If this were an IQ Test, we’d be right to assume that he will somehow score a point for UK today.

Ray Shipman, G, Freshman: They’re young.

The game will be played at 2 on CBS…or whenever the UConn/Pitt slugfest ends, which may be like 3…You can watch online here…Also, if my calculations are correct, a win today will give the ‘Cats a 3 seed, which means their games Thursday (and Friday?!) will be played at night, rather than 1 p.m. both days, which is the case if they’re the 4 seed, and do you guys wanna see how many commas I can use, because this is starting to look like that Absalom! Absalom! sentence, but it’s cool, I’m almost done, well, I guess this can be it, but, well, since we’re talking Faulkner, Caddy smells like trees, right, Benjy, and what the hell are you talking about?

Article written by Evan Hilbert