As you can see by Kige’s beautiful costume, it is Christmas time! All across the country, and in some cases the world, people are circled around their Christmas trees, opening presents and enjoying the holiday spirit. For some, this means reading the Nativity story….for some, it means assembling the gifts brought by Kige Claus….and for some, it means trying to ignore the alcoholic relative sitting in the corner. Whatever is your tradition, we all know, it is the joy of Christmas!
The Kentucky basketball family however cannot be forgotten this Christmas. Thus we at Kentucky Sports Radio now proudly bring you the Official Christmas Gift Package for UK Basketball 2007-2008:
Billy Gillispie: What do you get the man that has everything and a house the size of Rick Pitino’s ego? Well after watching the past 10 games, it is clear that what he truly covets is very simple….a big man to go down low. While some would suggest that we might try to get a big man of the Bowie, Mashburn or even Eric Daniels varieties, we here at Kentucky Sports Radio are quite frugal. Kentucky now could use big men that are on the bargain aisle at your local target. Thus under Billy Clyde’s tree, right next to a new Kentucky belt buckle will be a wrapped up Jules Camara….it is perfect for any coach heading into SEC play.
Ramel Bradley: “Ra-Smoove” has had an up and down season so far, to match his up and down career at Kentucky. But no matter how much Bradley might frustrate you, he also has that sly rebel look that in the end makes you want to cheer him on. Being from Brooklyn, Ramel misses home a great deal. Thus we will get him a Brooklyn Dodgers baseball cap which can help him support his hometown and which he can surely wear a bit askew so as to fit in with the boys. Oh yes in addition, in order to keep Ramel and “smooth” in the same sentence, we will get Bradley his very own Restraining Order in Fayette Circuit Court to keep Jonathan Webb and his musical stylings away from him at all times. Ramel cant overcome another “Stand Up” like performance….
Joe Crawford: It is very likely that Joe does not even know its Christmas, as his head has been down dribbling towards the basket for the last three days. Thus it will be a grand surprise when we give Joe C a new wig to allow him to cover up his terrible bald head. Joe, we all make mistakes in life that we need to overcome. There was the time UK recruited Nate Knight, Bill Keightley put the pink sock in with the away uniforms and the Turkey Hunter insisted that Jay Leno was funny. All turned their life around and moved on….and so can you. Just please no more shaved heads….yours makes Powder’s head look stylish.
Jodie Meeks: A doctor…who can make you healthy….like now….no I am serious Jodie….now….get healthy….just do it.
Michael Porter: The man from Modesto who went out and got married prior to the season, thus ensuring that he cannot enjoy the fruits of his UK labor deserves a break from all the criticism that he takes. Thus we will give him his own Jai Lucas, who can start and put Porter back in the role to which he is more accustomed, a scrappy back up who comes in and runs the point and shoots three pointers. The stress goes off of Michael’s shoulders and we all get to have little Jai to use as a pet.
Perry Stevenson: Perry’s gift is a new box of coat hangers for his dormitory. As anyone who has seen Perry play can surely attest, the fact that he keeps his coat hanger in his uniform while he plays, while helping his posture, surely makes him a bit uncomfortable. Because he sweats all over them during the contest, the coat hangers may need to be replaced in the new year.
Jared Carter: Sometimes the best gift is the one that makes the man the most happy. And for two years now, we have continually given Jared O Charley’s coupons. Every year he uses them up by February and has all the artichoke dip and fresh yeast rolls that a man could ever want. Why mess with perfection?
Mark Krebs This is a man desperately in need of anger management classes. We all heard the tale of a man who terrorized the UK cafeteria by walking around and calling its patrons “girls” and terrifying all who came in his path. UK simply cannot continue to have such a force gliding through its campus unprotected. Krebs must be stopped…..now.
Patrick Patterson: Patrick is in desperate need of a new vile of holy water. Prior to the season, Alex Legion’s mother told the press that she put holy water in Patrick and Alex’s shoes every day to make sure they would be blessed. Well now Patrick doesnt have a roommate (which may be good), but also is severely lacking in holy water, making his shoes dry, but less blessed. We will fix that this Christmas season and make sure that Patrick receives the blessings he so richly deserves.
Morakinyo Williams: Rogaine….early detection and prevention is the key.
Dusty Mills. For a kid of Dusty’s age, he is desperately in need of parental supervision. It has been rumored that Dusty’s parents got on a plane over the Christmas holidays and forgot him, thus leaving him home alone. If he is not careful, Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci will come into the neighborhood and wackiness could ensue. Dusty’s parents, if you are reading this, please return immediately.
Ramon Harris: Finally, for the man who is the farthest from his real home, we give 24 hours of daylight. While such an occurrence might screw up the sleeping patterns of Razor’s opponents, he will find it to be perfect, thus making sure that he can utilize his “no dribble” game to its highest capacity. Few know that in Alaska, dribbling is not required and you are given points for having good lateral quickness….while this scoring feature cannot be implemented in the lower 48, the blinding light of sun at 4 am can give him “the Razor’s Edge.”
So there you go….AJ Stewart and Mark Coury get nothing because they are both Jewish. Dwight Perry still hasnt thanked us for his gift last year (a name on the back of his jersey), so he too gets nothing. And AJ Schenerbencerkexernckjeckerbekrecbe has yet to be actually confirmed to exist so we did not want to waste our money at this time.
We wish all of you a Merry Christmas from Kentucky Sports Radio!