Part two of pure unadulterated roasting love:
This is embarrassing, but this whole time I thought I’d been dealing with the Matt Jones who played receiver for Arkansas and then for the Jaguars. It made sense to me, anyway. Matt is goofy and acts sort of, you know, strung out. My mistake. … OK, OK, but seriously, folks. I knew who he was. I knew he was a serious journalist with impeccable ethics. Which means I kind of thought I’d been conversing all these years with Marc Maggard.
Bryan the Intern
Some famous Matt Jones quotes:
“You will win a KSR shirt if you answer this trivia question correct”
“I could win the World Series of Poker without a single good hand”
“Yes, I will kiss you Karen Sypher”
“Yes, I will kiss you Billy Gillispie”
“I could have played basketball at Transy”
“I think soccer is the sport of kings”
And what do all these quotes have in common: LIES, FALSEHOODS, DECEIT
So hot women of KSR, when you see Matt Jones out at the bar tonight and
he tells you he is turning 31, just keep that mind.
The Fake Gimel Martinez
I’ve only been at the site for a year, and I have learned that Matt Jones is a mystery wrapped in an enigma packaged in the Springfield Mystery Spot. During this time I’ve been privileged to speak with, be screamed at and woken up by Mister Jones. Yet with all my interactions with him, my inquisitive brain has several questions that yet remain unanswered regarding the bossman:
1) Why is he so viciously opposed to playing videogames? Did a childhood friend beat him one too many times at Double Dribble? Was he inappropriately touched by a relative who was dressed up like Sonic the Hedgehog? Did his family buy him a Neo-Geo? There has to be a good reason.
2) Why does Matt have so much affection for beauty pageants? Doesn’t he know that by overly focusing on beauty queens, single girls think that he only finds overly-glamorized and well-trained women attractive? When he retires from the blog in 2* years, will he end up transitioning into a little miss pageant emcee for the Kentuckiana area? Can he sing?
3) Is Turkey Hunter a real person, or is TH one of Matt’s alter-egos he uses to make excessively crude jokes on the blog and for use during his visits to gentlemen’s clubs on Dixie Highway? (I’m not judging him if TH is a pseudonym. That would be hypocritical.)
4) How much did he offer Oscar Combs for the hat? It would go perfect with the white-shirt buttons-unbuttoned-all-the-way-to-the-miller-lite-belly look.
The Drew Franklin
Ah, Matt Jones. What a sick, sick, man. I have followed KSR for years and been a big fan of Matt’s work, but it wasn’t until recently that I came to know the real Matt Jones. It all started when he called me up, asking me to join the staff. The offer sounded great but I just didn’t understand why Matt wanted a modeling portfolio from me before I began writing. At first I thought, well, maybe he just needs to see what I look like, but… why would he want 10 separate photos with full frontal nudity? I was hesitant at first, but then finally gave in and put on the “I Love Matt Jones” screen printed tanktop he mailed me along with the webcam and began shooting. Looking back, I must say, that was an odd request but I’m glad that I gave in and did it. I’m grateful for the opportunity Matt gave me and I’ve enjoyed my short stint at KSR thus far. Tonight, I will raise my glass (of bottom shelf liquor because Matt doesn’t pay me) to Matt Jones – the 31 year old, single, lonely, extremely creepy, sad excuse of a journalist. Happy Birthday Matt, may your future be full of success, as you pimp the rest of us writers out like a group of hookers working a corner.
So this is the part of the roast where I (Fake Gimel) say that Matt is absolutely awesome for letting us poke fun at him and his haircut every day. His gift for gab and passion towards Kentucky sports has driven this blog to heights that even he thought were absurd. Matt deserves the best birthday beer for providing a Kentucky fan site that can break real sporting news, comment seriously on journalistic/social trends, and make all manners of tasteful (& tasteless), ridiculous and occasionally nerdy jokes.