Last year before the UL game, I constructed my very first screenplay on tips to beat UL fans in an argument about football. In basketball, it is pretty simple. You say 7 national championships and move on with your day. In football, it can sometimes be more difficult with UK’s iffy football history. But, when actually looking at the facts, you will find that it is actually quite easy to refute just about anything a UL fan would bring up.
So, here now is BTI’s First Screenplay Revised, entitled “HOW TO BREAKDOWN AN IDIOT”.
UL FAN (DRUNK): WE’RE GONNA KILL YOU ALL ON SATURDAY. IF YOU ALL HADN’T PLAYED FOOTBALL SO MUCH LONGER THAN US, WE WOULD HAVE SO MUCH MORE HISTORY THAN YOU.
UK Response: So it’s our fault that we were able to find 22 guys that wanted to come to UK before you all could. And by the way, since UL began playing football in 1912, they have won 439 games. In that same time frame, Kentucky has won 469 games. And we’ve done it in a tougher conference.
UL FAN: TOUGHER CONFERENCE? SHEESH, GIVE ME A BREAK. YOU HAVE OLE MISS AND VANDERBILT IN YOUR CONFERENCE. VANDERBILT IS THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE COUNTRY.
UK Fan: That’s true, they were especially funny when they beat UCONN last weekend. Wasn’t UCONN your conference champion last year? I’m sure that was just hilarious to Big East fans. So is Syracuse. And Rugers. Well, and frankly, you. At least you have Florida International to carry your conference flag. And by carry, I mean they stole it from your stadium last week.
UL FAN: YEAH, BUT WE HAVE DOMINATED THE RIVALRY WITH YOU.
UK Response: Actually, Kentucky leads the all-time rivalry 14-9. And Louisville did not score against Kentucky in the first 6 games.
UL FAN: OK, YOU GOT ME THERE. BUT IF JOHNNY UNITAS, OUR GOLDEN BOY, HAD EVER GOTTEN TO PLAY AGAINST KENTUCKY, YOU BETTER BELIEVE WE WOULD HAVE SCORED.
UK Response: Yeah, you know that guy you made a statue of in your pizza pit? He actually had a career record of 12-19 as your starting quarterback. Billy Jack Haskins had a better record at Kentucky. That’s right, I said it. Johnny Unitas was your Billy Jack Haskins.
UL FAN: I DON’T MUCH APPRECIATE YOUR FACTS AND FIGURES. LET ME THROW ANOTHER ONE OUT AT YOU: WE’VE BEEN TO A BCS BOWL. AND WON IT.
UK Response: Wow, really? I don’t remember that. Neither does anybody else because it was the 2nd lowest TV ratings games in BCS bowl history. Let me throw this back at you: Kentucky has been to TWO BCS Bowls, the 1950 Orange Bowl and the 1951 Sugar Bowl. We also won one of those.
UL FAN: SO WHAT? BACK THEN, THOSE BOWLS WERE NOT WERE THEY ARE NOW?
UK Response: 1951, we beat #1 Oklahoma. The national champion that year.
UL FAN: WHY DON’T WE LOOK AT THE MODERN ERA? HOW MANY BOWLS HAVE YOU BEEN TO SINCE 1998? BECAUSE WE HAVE BEEN TO TEN.
UK Response: Wow! Ten Bowls. That’s impressive. We’ve only been to seven. You all must have trophies littered all through the UL Trailer Park.
UL FAN: UMMMMMM…..WE’VE ONLY ACTUALLY WON 4 OF THOSE GAMES.
UK Response (Snickering): Four wins in 13 years? Hell, our program has 3 wins in the last 5 years. It’s not that difficult. You all must have played a murderer’s row of bowl opponents. Let me check my records here: Marshall, Boise State, Colorado State, Marshall again, Miami (OH), Southern Miss. Dude, none of those teams even play in a BCS conference.
UL FAN (WIMPERING): YOU ARE REALLY STARTING THE PISS ME OFF. I’M GONNA GIVE YOU 15 SECONDS TO WALK AWAY BEFORE I STAB YOU, DEMAR DORSEY STYLE.
UK Response: 15 seconds? Seriously? That’s what you’re gonna give me?