Where have I been the last 2 days (my first consecutive missed days in 2 years, a Cal Ripken-esque streak):
a) Matt and I were in contract negotiations to raise my salary from $4.00 to $275,000. We settled on $8.00.
b) When Beisner found out I was getting a raise, he then tried to persuade me to PURCHASE his unborn son. Settlement has not been reached in that negotiation.
c) Fake Gimel was debating shaving his mustache as it is “too 1980’s”. Luckily, I talked him away from the razor.
d) I had a minor surgery to remove a cyst. And despite the calls from many of you to also give me a brain transplant, the doctor felt my public option health insurance would not cover such a procedure. THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL STATEMENT. Remember: I am a member of the BTI Political Party.
Anyway, through the pain, I will begin writing again. Thanks to all 3 of you who wished me well. It reminded me a lot The Office episode where Michael burns his foot on a Foreman grill and then declares that he is handicapped. That’s how I feel.
Erin Andrews alleged stalker has been arrestedand it turns out he’s a 48-year-old man from Chicago. Boy, Chicago people are really struggling right now. The president isn’t doing so well, the city didn’t get the Olympics, the Cubs and White Sox are both not going to the playoffs, and hockey has started again, which is torture for all of us.
A new book is coming out that alleges that Ted Williams severed head has been struck a few timesby a wrench at the facility where it is frozen. Ummm….I really don’t know if it is appropriate to make a joke here, but we can all admit we had a small giggle in our dark souls. The penalty for these fools should be each of them gets one strike in the head from a member of the Williams family.
Oh fat people, how you make me laugh.