Dateline Pearlingrad——-It has now been two days since former coach, and now Commandante, Bruce Pearl wrested power away from the Knoxville City Council and Mayor Bill Haslam in an clever, if ill-advised, scheme to prevent the Kentucky Wildcats from coming into Thompson-Stalin Arena fully armed. Following the coup, Czar Pearl (he just changed it) formally declared Pearlingrad (nee’ Knoxville)to be an independent country and as such, requires passports from the many tourists who wish to see the Wigsphere and the Old Gray Cemetery (though it “ain’t what it used to be, ain’t what it used to be”). This has led to the rather peculiar possibility that the incoming Kentucky Wildcats will be without Messrs. Jodie Meeks and Patrick Patterson due to their lack of U.S. passports.
Viceroy Pearl (yep, changed again) declared in the text of his Military Statement:
“You know, Kentucky is the best of the best and we have a great deal of respect for them. This is a rivalry game for us and we of course, would like to play Kentucky when they’re at their full strength, but rules are rules. If we don’t require passports, then who knows what kind of terrorist might come into our country? I didn’t know Jodie Meeks and Patrick Patterson didn’t have passports and to imply that I was so afraid of the beatdown that I and my team would receive at their hands that I would betray my country by staging this coup is preposterous. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to review a request to upgrade our Party Barge-dominated Navy from 80 hp Evinrudes to 120’s and attend a committee meeting to discuss the commissioning of a Scooter McFadgon statue. I also have to think about who to appoint to Pearliament.
When asked for comment about the events that were being described in the Knoxville newspaper, Jodie Meeks said, “Newspaper? I haven’t seen one of those in months. All coach lets us do is play basketball and occasionally sleep in 45 minute intervals. Whatever happened with the election. I’m guessing Fred Thompson won, right?”
The Wildcats plight will now legally be left in the hands of Jared Carter, Ramon Harris, Kevin Galloway, Dwight Perry and Matt Scherbenske. Each of these players currently has a US passport and, thus, can travel to Pearlingrad. Carter and Harris traveled to Africa this summer past, Kevin Galloway toured with Oasis in the late ‘90s, Scherbenske’s dog is a German Shepherd, and Dwight Perry maintains a summer residence in Tuscany.
When asked how he would prepare his “team” for the Tennessee game, Gillispie replied,
“Well, I don’t really care what Sweaty Mcmanboobs tries to do because I will win this game and I will not compromise my style or discipline. In fact, Dwight only went 104% in practice yesterday, so he won’t start. Doesn’t matter to me that we’ll start with only four players–you’ve got to learn to go hard every day!” Now get out of my face, I can hear Perry Stevenson jumping an inch shorter than I know he can! “
The situation looks grim both for Tennessee’s chances at victory and the former Knoxville’s chance at democracy. Sultan Pearl has maintained that he will hand power back over to the government once adequate progress has been made on uncovering the cell phone numbers of every female undergrad at UT, but one wonders if he has acquired a taste for power (and bacon) and will relinquish control.
In Pearl’s final presser before tonight’s game, he waxed philosophic about the entire situation,
“Look, for a long time we’ve been a program that was fledgling and we just needed to have some attention thrown our way so that recruits would start paying notice to us. I figured if a little light treason was all that stood in the way of me and televisions cameras, well then, hey, it’s a small price to pay. Now turn that camera off you American pig-dog.”