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Breaking Down Jorts’ Production

Josh Harrellson…excuse me… Jorts has shown many faces this season on the basketball court.  I don’t mean inconsistency in his play, like the North Carolina game (4 points, 5 fouls) vs. the Louisville game (23 points, 14 rebounds.)  I mean inconsistency in his facial hair, like the North Carolina game (beard) vs. the Louisville game (clean-shaven.)

In order for Jorts to max out his potential for the rest of the season and lead this team to a NCAA Championship, he needs to know what look is best.  So as a favor to Jorts, and as a way for all of us to know what to expect when he takes the court, I went back and looked at Jorts’ facial hair in each game this season to find a correlation between shaving and scoring.

——————————————————–

jorts

No Beard

Boston U — 6-7 FG, 12 points, 11 rebounds
Coppin State — 4-5 FG, 10 points, 4 rebounds
Louisville — 10-12 FG, 23 points, 14 rebounds

beard2

Beard**

North Carolina — 2-2 FG, 4 points, 7 rebounds
Notre Dame — 0-2 FG, 0 points, 9 rebounds

beard3

Goatee

Oklahoma – 1-3 FG, 2 points, 3 rebounds
Washington – 4-6 FG, 9 points, 14 rebounds
UConn – 0-1 FG, 0 points, 6 rebounds

beard4

Chinstrap

E Tenn St — 1-2 FG, 2 points, 7 rebounds
Portland —  3-4 FG, 6 points, 12 rebounds
Indiana — 5-9 FG, 14 points, 12 rebounds
MVSU — 2-4 FG, 4 points, 12 rebounds
Winthrop — 1-3 FG, 2 points, 10 rebounds

——————————————————–

Game Averages By Facial Hair

No Beard – 15 points, 9.7 rebounds
Beard – 2 points, 8 rebounds
Goatee 3.7 points, 4.3 rebounds
Chinstrap – 5.6 points, 10.6 rebounds

Analysis

The numbers don’t lie.  Facial hair is detrimental to Jorts’ on-court production.  Although he is averaging almost one more rebound per game with the chinstrap, Jorts is a double-double player when he uses the Norelco in his pre-game routine.

Kentucky tips off with Penn in three hours.  Jorts, if you’re reading this, you’d be crazy to run onto that court with anything but a silky smooth face.

No more beards!

** It’s hard to differentiate between bearded games and chinstrap games because the neck was up shaved to the jawline in both styles.  In the North Carolina and Notre Dame games, Jorts let the hair grow farther up the cheek so I labeled those as beards as opposed to chinstraps (less than 2.5” width.)

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

55 Comments for Breaking Down Jorts’ Production



  1. Big D
    4:03 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    I’m gonna shave.



  2. Wes Henderson
    4:03 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    i think jorts did the beard because he missed me in the Ezone



  3. Jorts
    4:04 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    WTF is wrong with you?



  4. Silence DoGood
    4:05 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    Warning — open the following link at your own risk.



  5. Silence DoGood
    4:05 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink


  6. RidgeRunner
    4:06 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    I think there was nose hairs exposed on the Canadian Exibition trip. Checking footage now & will get back to everyone. Stay tuned…



  7. Champ
    4:06 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    hahaha awesome post



  8. Tyler Durden
    4:08 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    Will someone with ESPNU please stream the game online and post a link? I’m sure 2,000 of us would appreciate it.



  9. UKFanCincy
    4:10 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    8– http://www.wix.com/w1ldc4ts/funchester

    He always has the game on.

    Your welcome!



  10. nassau65
    4:10 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    clean shaven, yes i mean “baby’s butt” smooth. go get’em Jorts!



  11. SexnNursinHomes
    4:10 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    hahahaha-classic Drew

    I think Jorts should get a Yuko Systems done. If you are reading this Jorts, get a Yuko Systems. The girls will love it!



  12. nassau65
    4:11 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    9. back to your chicken bucket hat please.



  13. jwild
    4:11 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    lol – well done



  14. nassau65
    4:13 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    Drew, can’t you get Loserville (PENN) ip address and just put him out of his misery?



  15. Bruce Pearl/Jesus
    4:14 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    Where is that Louisville poster at?



  16. RidgeRunner
    4:15 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    He has one hell of a FG pct no matter how he looks.

    Yes, awesome post, Drew!



  17. Paul Crewe's Bookie
    4:16 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    WTH?? Did BTI steal Drew’s login or something?



  18. Funny Stuff
    4:18 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    This post was funny, I don’t care what anybody else thinks.



  19. RidgeRunner
    4:19 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    My favorite part though is this attention-to-detail by you…

    quote>In the North Carolina and Notre Dame games, Jorts let the hair grow farther up the cheek so I labeled those as beards as opposed to chinstraps (less than 2.5” width.)<unquote

    No detail too small for Drew..That really made m laugh out loud! Fun Stuff!



  20. KentuckyRoots
    4:20 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    I grew out facial hair over the long weekend. Debated keeping it coming it to work today. I shaved it off and am KILLING it in the office today. Josh, take my lead and learn that facial hair provides no benefit. I’m even anticipating a hummer from the wife tonight for the smooth face-piece…



  21. bucketheads just eat the skins
    4:22 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    wheres ricks vd



  22. Mark's BIL
    4:25 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    What’s with the Indiana game outlier?



  23. catinhat
    4:25 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    21 – I think she might think the smooth face might have a better application. If you know what I mean. I’m just saying. I mean, she likes my smooth face, said your beard scratched her thighs.



  24. RidgeRunner
    4:26 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    22…shhhhh – He’s napping now. k?



  25. BPsycho
    4:27 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    lol^



  26. RidgeRunner
    4:27 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    24..bada bada bada BOOM! Whoa!



  27. Jorts
    4:29 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    I don’t want to even know what Drew is doing with this autographed pictures I gave him…



  28. Hot UK Girl (Matt fan)
    4:34 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    Thanks, Drew! I’ve been saying this for weeks. I am so glad you provided the data to back me up!



  29. nassau65
    4:35 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    22. the internet must be down in Taylorsville. we can hope.



  30. The Hoff
    4:36 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    #9….Is that you Louisville?



  31. Jason
    4:37 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    Gillette, the best UK can get.



  32. Gogh Big Bleu
    4:37 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    THIS is why KSR rules and there is no close second.



  33. catfandan
    4:41 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    What would Enes wear on his face? I say we free him and find out.



  34. ricksVD
    4:46 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    it burns when I pee…



  35. nassau65
    4:47 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    35. Hi Dennis! we wondered what happened to ya.



  36. Yo
    4:48 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    sh!t. A week ago there were numerous Tard fans on here running the big mouth. Now gone (or posing as DUKE and PENN fans). So sad. Please come back, we do own you.



  37. LindaS
    4:48 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    I prefer the clean shaven Josh. That’s just one woman’s opinion.



  38. Catfan
    4:48 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    Enes who??????



  39. CatFanStuckInIN
    4:54 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    Shave, Jorts! Shave!!!



  40. CatFanStuckInIN
    4:56 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    Only on KSR would you find this type of in depth look and coverage into the world of all that is UK. I love it! Keep up the ridiculous manner stuff!



  41. catinhat
    4:57 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    The correlation to his smooth face is SPURIOUS (for you math nerds).

    The REAL correlation is to what they do with his facial hair.

    “The Essence of Jorts”

    You see, in the pregames rituals prior to Josh’s big games, Josh did indeed shave.

    BUT THEN they took the shaven stubble, and placed it in an incense altar. Stacey Poole and Jarrod Polson then partook in certain “rituals” upon the top of said altar, while the smoke from Josh’s burning fuzz wafted through the altar grates and curled itself around their entwined bodies.

    Meanwhile the rest of the team gather closely with towels draped over their heads like hoods, and use the hoods to capture the smoke and inhale deeply.

    Thus, the Essence of Jorts is INFUSED into the rest of the team, who then go to the court and give him the precise playing environment he needs in which he can truly shine.

    So you see, it’s not that he shaves. It is the Essence of Jorts that is derived from the shaven fuzz.



  42. Mark's BIL
    4:59 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    42…WTF???



  43. JackB
    5:03 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    As a bearded man since my last year of law school, I am saddened by this study, but the numbers don’t lie. Not all men can carry a beard and perform. The raised expectations can be a burden to some.



  44. ricksVD
    5:03 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    It hurts when I pee



  45. cdc_uky
    5:07 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    I 2nd the WTF? …just wow…



  46. fish
    5:14 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    42- i’ll have some of what ur having



  47. Kentucky fans
    5:34 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    Jorts needs to be Soft as babys Ass….Uh..wait?

  48. The chinstrap is not far from being a line beard.

  49. The chinstrap isn’t far from being a line-beard.

  50. Sorry for the multiple comments! They seemed to be not loading and/or being deleted at first.



  51. Crow
    5:59 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    Solid work by Wookie-Brow.



  52. TX Cat
    6:48 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    33 – couldn’t agree more – Awesome post.



  53. matt jones
    9:30 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    i have never cared for calipari’s coaching tactics and don’t care for the way he runs a program. it is well known in recruiting circles calipari does not run a clean program. print the info mod



  54. They feed us lies
    10:47 pm January 3, 2011 Permalink

    54 – who cares what you think bucket head.



  55. bigbill992001
    12:41 am January 4, 2011 Permalink

    What was really weird about Josh’s 23 & 14 game was that he never got a board after the 11:20 mark of the 2nd half.