Josh Harrellson…excuse me… Jorts has shown many faces this season on the basketball court. I don’t mean inconsistency in his play, like the North Carolina game (4 points, 5 fouls) vs. the Louisville game (23 points, 14 rebounds.) I mean inconsistency in his facial hair, like the North Carolina game (beard) vs. the Louisville game (clean-shaven.)
In order for Jorts to max out his potential for the rest of the season and lead this team to a NCAA Championship, he needs to know what look is best. So as a favor to Jorts, and as a way for all of us to know what to expect when he takes the court, I went back and looked at Jorts’ facial hair in each game this season to find a correlation between shaving and scoring.
Boston U — 6-7 FG, 12 points, 11 rebounds
Coppin State — 4-5 FG, 10 points, 4 rebounds
Louisville — 10-12 FG, 23 points, 14 rebounds
North Carolina — 2-2 FG, 4 points, 7 rebounds
Notre Dame — 0-2 FG, 0 points, 9 rebounds
Oklahoma – 1-3 FG, 2 points, 3 rebounds
Washington – 4-6 FG, 9 points, 14 rebounds
UConn – 0-1 FG, 0 points, 6 rebounds
E Tenn St — 1-2 FG, 2 points, 7 rebounds
Portland — 3-4 FG, 6 points, 12 rebounds
Indiana — 5-9 FG, 14 points, 12 rebounds
MVSU — 2-4 FG, 4 points, 12 rebounds
Winthrop — 1-3 FG, 2 points, 10 rebounds
Game Averages By Facial Hair
No Beard – 15 points, 9.7 rebounds
Beard – 2 points, 8 rebounds
Goatee – 3.7 points, 4.3 rebounds
Chinstrap – 5.6 points, 10.6 rebounds
The numbers don’t lie. Facial hair is detrimental to Jorts’ on-court production. Although he is averaging almost one more rebound per game with the chinstrap, Jorts is a double-double player when he uses the Norelco in his pre-game routine.
Kentucky tips off with Penn in three hours. Jorts, if you’re reading this, you’d be crazy to run onto that court with anything but a silky smooth face.
No more beards!
** It’s hard to differentiate between bearded games and chinstrap games because the neck was up shaved to the jawline in both styles. In the North Carolina and Notre Dame games, Jorts let the hair grow farther up the cheek so I labeled those as beards as opposed to chinstraps (less than 2.5” width.)