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Blogger Contest Round Two: Louisville Hate

diehardcardsfan

TERRY SETTLES

A Fool And His Team Shall Never Part

As you enter Jefferson County, Kentucky you are greeted by signs introducing you to “The Best College Sports Town In America”. This clever little title was self-appointed by the University of Louisville marketing machine in the early 2000’s. Now realistically, no one outside of Shelbyville and Shepherdsville actually believes Louisville is the epicenter of college sports. That title is usually acknowledged as Austin TX, Madison WI or Tallahassee FL. But as most Kentucky fans know, our little Cardinals friends have a bit of an inferiority complex.

When the campaign first launched, most Kentucky fans scoffed and began to list off reasons that dear old Lexington was far superior. But maybe the Louisville folks were right–but not for the reasons they first thought. Where else do you find the largest fan bases of two all-time top 15 college basketball programs? Travel throughout the city and you are just as likely to see as many UK stickers, plates and flags as you are those of the Red Scourge. Add to the fact that Success Chooser Ricky Three Stacks now leads the lesser program of the two and is butting heads with old nemesis, John Calipari, and you have the makings of a great sports town. The hiring of Calipari and the return of Kentucky as THE place to be on the college landscape has done much to temper the disdain over R3S’s mutinous heel turn. Rather than a traitor who twists the truth, he is viewed as a laughingstock, desperate for attention, but only on his terms.

The typical Louisville fan himself is a sociology project. There are two categories of the male Uvel fan:

1) The Professor: This version watches the game through his fingerprint-smudged 70’s era eyeglasses, unsure why the players are bouncing the ball when the laws of inertia show that running in a straight line gets a subject to their desired destination with acceleration and alacrity. Or something like that. Science kicked my butt. The Professor attends games in his 1969 Missouri Valley Conference tetherball runners-up sweatshirt, stroking his Chuck Noland beard and filling out his lesson plan on a Book Nook between sips of Earl Grey. The Professor is doing his doctorate thesis on the Cootiefication of the American Woman.

2) The Diehard: The diehard has attended “EVERY game since 2008” and has never left a home football game before halftime (unless he ran out of beer money or Papa John’s paged him to come in early to work). The Diehard has correctly spelled C-A-R-D-S a school record 36 consecutive times. The beverage of choice for The Diehard is Bud “By Gawd” Light. Craft beers like “that highbrow Bud Select stuff is for the suite folks, not us REAL fans”. He can put away a good seven B”BG”Ls without having a restraining order issued to him. As is the style these days, The Diehard has a tattoo, but his shows his allegiance to his CARDSSSSSSSS. His tattoo is an Old English “L” stenciled on his forehead because he can’t remember which way to hold his fingers when everybody does that retarded “L Yes” sign.

Our Louisville little brethren do come in handy at times. They can recite every Kentucky sports history win/loss record, high school recruit, violation, national television appearance,etc. If you can’t get to Jon Scott’s UK website, ask your UofL neighbor. His UK obsession is an App for that.

And so friends, the moral is to avoid arguing with your Louisville friends. As that famous UK alumnus Abe Lincoln said “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.” Be polite and allow the Card to be the one to remove the doubt.

eww

BRETT ROWE

April 22, 2010

I recently came across this journal entry while perusing the internet. It comes straight from the secret dossier of Tom Jurich, the Athletic Director for the University of Louisville. I believe it gives us all a great amount of insight into the, ahem, mind of an Athletic Director. Enjoy.

April 22, 2010

Dear Diary,

236 lbs. (after trip to Del Frisco’s) alcohol units 12 (not including the shots of Maker’s I took before dinner) 1 can of Skoal Wintergreen, calories 6,184.

1 order Shrimp Remoulade
1 ½ cups of Lobster Bisque (I finished the rest of Terrilynn’s)
1 Spinach Salad w/ Hot Bacon Dressing (Actually, I just ate the dressing)
Chateaubriand for Two
2 orders Potato Au Gratin
4 Chicken Fingers (Hey, the kids weren’t going to finish all of them!!!)
3 Pieces of New York Style Cheese Cake (I asked the waiter to add a layer of caramel on each piece, just like I always do)

Hey there Diary, it’s me Tommy again. Oh Diary, sometimes I feel like you’re the only one who understands me. The only one who can really listen to my problems and help me sort through the messes I find myself in. Without you I never would have been able to get rid of that big BULLY Kragthorpe (Or as our British nanny Mrs. Featherbottom likes to call him, Slagthorpe) last November. But now, I think me and my main man, my best buddy, Ricky have gotten ourselves into a pickle we may not be able to get out of anytime soon.

I’ve been telling you about this youngster Marcus Teague for quite some time now. Ricky P. and I had been SOOO excited about him joining our SUPER COOL Cardinal Basketball Team next year. Like I told you before, he was going to be the teams Luke Skywalker who would be able to bring our school back to national notoriety. Well, that was the plan until that Taint Face down in Lexington decided to steal him away from Ricky and me. OMG, what a dweeb that Calipari is; he thinks he is so cool with his roster of 5 Star recruits and army of supportive followers.

Those cooks down in Lexington have no idea what lays around the corner for them. Well, that’s what Ricky keeps telling me at least. Sometimes, I’m not so sure what to think of Ricky’s comments anymore. OH GOLLY, I mean we are still BFFs and we are by far the best bud’s in the history of THE UNIVERSE, but it’s getting harder to follow Ricky’s Master Plan. I mean when I first got Ricky Poo (He hates it when I call him that BTW), to join me in Louisville, he had dreams of National Championships and Pasta Orgies. We were like Han Solo and Chewbacca, but know the media looks at us like we are Anakiin Skywalker and Chancellor Palpatine. BUT I DON’T WANT TO GET SET ON FIRE BY LAVA!!! OMG, Best Movie Ever. LOL.

Anyhoo, I still trust Ricky’s decisions, even after he went around town with that succubus. He really was acting like such a clamburgler during that time. It even got so bad that Terrilynn wouldn’t let me go over to his house to play COD2 for weeks after it happened. Worse yet, I can’t even get a table at Porcini’s anymore without some yellowbelly asking me if I have protection. Well, I am covered by All State if that’s what you mean weirdo.

Oh Diary, I just wish that there was a way to go back in time to easier days. Remember, back in 2007, when everything in my life was going so well. I mean JEEZ LOUISE, I was named the number one bestest Athletic Director in the entire galaxy that year for GOSH SAKES. But no buddy talks about that know, they just remind me how we are Second to The University of Kentucky in Sloppiness, or something like that. I’m not sure if I heard that right, but I know that I try to dress extra nice when I’m on campus. Here check out this pic I just uploaded to my Facebook page.

Pretty neat huh?? So, you’d think that I would be on top of the world right? WRONG!!! But Granny Jurich always told me to keep my head up, keep my nose clean, and keep my pants on at dinner and good things would happen for me. So that’s what I’m gonna keep doing.

I mean next year can’t be much worse than 2009 can it? Heck, I’ve even got a super cool idea to have Peyton Siva become the new John Wall. We are even working on a dance number for him called the Siva Shuffle. It’s a combination of Salsa Dancing and the Jitterbug. It’s going to be the bees knees.

Oh Diary, I’m so glad I get to come to you everyday and discuss my feelings. Life is so DOG-ON tough now that Calipari is in Kentucky and I don’t know when things will be back to normal for us here in Louisville. But, I’ve got my buddy Ricky P. at my side and with a friend like Ricky what could go wrong?

XOXO,
Tommy

ADAM REEVES

card-radio rew

COREY NICHOLS

Louisville, Louisville, right. I’ll get there in a second, I promise. First though, I’d like to start out this article by playing a little game called “Guess My Cousin”, wherein you readers will have to guess which of the fellows featured in a KSR post is my mom’s sister’s son. Some of you may remember an article posted on June 20 (here) that had a couple pictures. One of the pictures contains my cousin. Think of it as like a “Where’s Waldo” with fewer candy-striped shirts and just as much false sense of accomplishment. Are you ready to play? I know I am. Go ahead and click the link above and guess which fella is my cousin; I’ll allow a second for rumination.

Have you guessed it yet?

Okay, it’s hard, I know. Tell you what, I’ll give you a small hint. He’s white, and his first name starts with the letter “E”.

If you said “Eminem”, sadly, you’re mistaken. Sadly for you; not for me. I don’t want any part of that gene pool. The correct answer is “Eric”, and to answer your inevitable questions, the stains are a result of delicious cheese fries. Really… really delicious cheese fries.

So congratulations if you guessed it correctly, and if you didn’t, then I’ll tell you what I tell my sixth graders: Next time, don’t try so hard in front of everybody if you don’t know for sure. It makes you look stupid, you know.

We’ll go from that game into a different one, and I promise this one is topical. I’d like to use this game to illustrate why I don’t hate the University of Louisville (gasp!), but instead appreciate and am thankful for them. This new game is something that everybody wants to play (and win), but few people can corral the courage to ever even put the board out on the table. No, not Scattergories. What did I tell you about guessing when you don’t know? Shut up and let me finish. I’m talking about the only game that makes you more terrified of the opposite sex than seeing Eartha Kitt wake up from a nightmare; the only game that’s played under bleachers instead of on tables, after dessert but before dinner; the game that made Squints a poolside legend to eight of his friends and one hot-as-summer lifeguard named Golden Opportunity. And no, it’s not baseball. I’m talking, of course, of that thing simply called:

Game.

Game is something most don’t have, and try to replace with something else they think will make them attractive to women. (Like a Blogger Contest. So far, no luck.) But those that do have Game know this: to play well, you need a wingman. Granted, some wingmen are cool and give you the affectation of social acceptance that is necessary to convey to your target. They help you demonstrate higher value, and are vital for good openers (“Hey, I wonder if you could help us. My friend here needs some feminine advice about blah blah blah…”). That’s not the type of wingman I’m thinking about, though.

I said that I wanted to use this Game to illustrate why I appreciate Louisville, and that’s still true. Here, let me use an analogy. Ladies, I’m talking to you here. Have you ever noticed that you feel more confident when you’re out with your ugly friend(s)? You think we don’t notice that with every group of four beautiful women, somebody somehow snuck in my old Phys Ed teacher? You couldn’t find just one more good one for my friend Cliff? Really? (In a related note, sorry about that, Cliff. Next time you get first dibs, promise.) Allow me to speculate: You keep that friend around, girls, to make you feel prettier. Nothing wrong with that; I understand. Guys use our ugly friends for our own advantage sometimes, too. (In a related note, sorry about that, Cliff. Next time you get first dibs, promise.) Every chain has at least one busted link. Some may be real, real busted. But compared to that link, hey, look how shiny all those OTHER links look! Your ugly friend makes you go from 6.5 to 7, just by hanging around you and looking kind of uncomfortable trying to look not awkward. It’s a universal social dynamic: your group has an ugly friend. If it doesn’t… well… you may not want to start asking too many questions.

Your group has that ugly friend because it NEEDS it. It wouldn’t be complete without it. It makes you look so much better just by being awful. All you have to do is stay near it and be yourself. Voila! Instant Hotness (or Instant Less Ugliness, depending). Just keep letting the ugly friend tag along, throw them a few scraps, and enjoy how much better you look by comparison. I promise you you’ll appreciate it when it’s Game time.

So thank you, Louisville, for being our ugly friend. You know I mean it.

Boom, roasted.

MY TAKE: Well start with this….all of you guys really went creative here and I do appreciate that. Part of what we are looking for on this site is for writing that is interesting and creative….not just the regurgitation of news. And you guys all went for it here so I appreciate that. Now I thought Adam Reeves did a great job with this one, not just because you used the KSR reference, but because the writing was crisp and the premise great. You easily win this round from me. The other three left me hanging a bit, but they each had some promise. I will probably go with Terry Settles second. I didnt think the piece was great and you could have done a lot more with compartmentalizing Louisville fans, but it made me laugh a couple of times and was generally well written. I guess I will go with Corey Nichols third, but its close. I like the idea of saying why you dont hate Louisville and giving a backhanded compliment, but the execution was a bit off. It is fine to have little diversions in a piece, but they need to have some connection to what you are writing and that really didnt happen here. I liked your first round piece and think you have potential, but this wasnt really that great. So I guess we have to eliminate Brett Rowe, which is too bad because I really liked your first piece as well. However, the Jurich angle just didnt work. I love the idea of getting into the mind of Jurich, but it really wasnt all that funny and you kind of missed the possibility of good comedy (which the premise set up well) with some over the top stuff. Maybe the most clever idea of all, but the execution was off. So Adam, Terry and Corey move on and we thank Brett for his participation.

Down to 15….we will get to ten and then you guys become involved.

Article written by Matt Jones